To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

That is cold. Really cold.

They’re upset with you because you’re rejecting their family and sidelining yourself.

The only person who really loses out is you. I think you should behave yourself and embrace their joy, you’ll only bring misery on yourself carrying on like this. All the stuff about wanting to be a nan for the first time to your own kids is a bit precious and also very far off. You’ll earn yourself a horrible reputation for being mean spirited.

@Megan2018 So you're telling me I don't get a choice in what the baby will call me? Why not? I don't want to be called Nan or Nanny or anything else, I just want to be called by my name!!

I’m not sure I see why the OP is being pulverised?! I wouldn’t want to be a man at 40, either?! She’s not saying she’s going to refuse to have anything to do with the baby, just that she doesn’t want to be called Nan!

YABU and quite nasty. Your attitude is awful and it seems like you only posted this for people to agree with you.

Nan. Not man.

@cheeseandbiscuitsplease Thank you! Finally someone who understands and doesn't think I should be banished from the family!!

@Brokenfurnitureandroses I am more than happy for my two to be Aunties and they are very excited. If you ask either one of them if they have Siblings they will say they have two sisters and two brothers.

My in laws are divorced and both remarried so we offered them the choice. Step mum in law is a ‘Nan’. Step Father in law goes by his name. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel like that. It’s your choice.

yabvu

But surely you knew when you became a 'stepmother' that your 'stepchildren' might have kids one day?! Or did you you expect them to be childless forever? Maybe don't take on other people's kids if you can't hack it long term.

Blimey... I think that you need to think long and hard.
You married an older man with adult children who are having children who will regard you as a grandparent. You should embrace this . Clearly you don’t feel old enough to be a grandparent but that’s what you’ll be.
Please don’t be mean ... you need to look at your husband’s grandchildren’s perspective.

It would be so nice if you just thought, who cares what I’m known as, as long as that baby knows I’m always there for them to support and love them!

I would be the same OP - different if DSD didn't have a mum and she wanted you to step in but l would be worried about treading on her toes. If my stepchild was to have a baby, l wouldn't consider myself to be a grandmother. Would still be excited about a new baby and treat it as family, of course, but wouldn't feel comfortable telling people l am a grandmother.

They can call you whatever you want them to call you but at the end of the day you are still a NAN. You are 40 years old with a man in his 50's with adult children AKA the world now and forever will see you as a Nan. It's just the demographic that you fall into.

It is showing that you don't understand that you are putting up a barrier between your husband's grandchild and yourself.

I never had a Grandad, they had both died before I was born. When I married Dh, he had a Grandad, when I met him I asked him what he wanted me to call him, when he said Grandad I felt really included into Dh's family.

You don't have to be a "nan" you can be a Grandma, Nonna, or another term of endearment rather than just your first name.

The point you are missing is that everyone can call you by your first name, your children will call you Mum/Mam whatever, and that makes you have a special place to those two people. Why would you not want some special term that denotes your place in the family?

I think this is fair enough. If you don't have a mothering role with sd it would be strange to b have a grand mother role. Can you just be aunty?

I’d speak to SD and DH. I think the 2 actual grandmas should get first pick of name. Her mum might want to be nan. There are plenty of alternative grandma names.

I can’t understand this at all. Most people would feel privileged to be called nan/nanny, I certainly would. I’m not surprised your DH is angry, it must feel like a rejection of his daughter and unborn grandchild

Wow there’s some really nasty posters on here tonight

I get it, you are a step grandmother, why should you be called Nan, Nanny for any other name denoting a grandparent. Just as a step mother the kids don’t call you mum, they have a mother, they call you by your name.

I don’t get why your husband is so upset about that, it doesn’t mean you won’t treat the kids as a grandparent would, or the same as your children’s grandchildren in due course, it’s just they will call you your name

Do you think part of it might be that you don’t consider yourself old enough to be a grandparent, especially as your own children are so young? Apologies if that sounds really patronising, I just wondered.

I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children).

I think this is a bit unreasonable. Everyone knows that you’re not actually going to be a biological grandparent regardless of what you’re called, but unless you divorce your husband you can’t escape being a step grandparent even if you do ask to be called by your first name. Has your step daughter said anything about what she would like you to be called? She might want you to be called by your first name and the crisis might be over!

Just ask them to call you by your name. No need to make such a song and dance about it.

A less dickish way to go about it would be to say "i'll be involved but the baby can call me by my name". I called my grandparents by their first names and we had a lovely relationship.

I mean, YABU a little. You are going to be a step-grandmother, as weird as you may find it.

What is it about nan that upsets you? Are you not close with your SD?

Me and my partner both have divorced parents who have remarried (except my dad). My son has 7 grandparents. As far as I know none of them have objections to being called grandparents, in fact the step parents were a little worried they wouldn't be included in the grandparent label.
And my mother is only 52. It's not that unusual to be a grandparent at that age.