To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

At age 40 (just a little younger than me) I can understand you not wanting to be be a grandparent yet. However, usually the upset is when a step parent isn't being recognised by given a grandparent name so this is weird you are upset you are!

If you feel this strongly I would focus on your age, just be clear that at 40 and your oldest being only 10 you really don't feel comfortable being called gran/nan or anything else. Please don't tell your step daughter you won't think of any children being a grandchild until your own children have them as that would be very hurtful.

Does your Sd even want you to be call nan? I wouldn’t to be honest.

@Angelonia Me and dh have been together for 15 years so SD was 10 and the boys were 7..

Just part of marrying an older man with older children surely? Why be upset with more babies to love? It sounds lovely,enrage it and squeeze all the extra joy you can out of the situation. Being a Nan will be special this time and the extra special when2 if the time comes for your own grandchildren too.

Not necessarily U. But not very nice.

I understand. I’m sure you’ll act in a grandparent capacity but you don’t need to be called a Nan. I think your DH should stop going on about it and accept it. Mine would go on and on and on about it too. I’d just say I’m happy to be called HRN etc.

I'm quite shocked the op is being called a dick here. Feel free to call me one too.
I was also in your position 12 years ago, I was 35. My SD has loving parents and also loving step parents.
I will become a grandparent when our children have children. I also considered my SD mother in this decision. She is the grandparent not me.
Its worked out great for everyone.
I don't think you are a dick, I completely get where you are coming from. I hope it all works out for you.

How do you feel about your daughters being Aunties and being called Aunty?

Your husband is excited and will make a massive fuss of this baby, rightly so.

I hope you’re not going to be peevish and jealous about it because that will spoil it for him.

Or, you could think about the fact that your DH is excited that his daughter is having a baby, yet you are determined to piss on his chips.

52 isn't young to be a grandparent - the average age to become a grandparent is 49.

Insisting repeatedly "well it's not really my grandchild" sounds petty and like you're jealous of his excitement. Can't you just change the subject - he says you'll be a nan and instead of "no I won't" say something about him being a granddad, or how exciting it is, or how she will be a great mum, or you wonder about names, etc... move the conversation away? Just try to be, I dunno, nice about it?

Are you talking about just the name 'nan'? In that case yanbu. My dads wife is 'debbie' to my dc but shes still a part of their life.

my exh remarried and my grandchildren call us nana issey and nanna her name and between the two couples we have nine children some steps and one half brother but non of my children or hers call each other step brother or sister they call each other brothers and sisters that's what you get with blended families and the child will probably call you nanna your name any way that's what children do if your husband is grandad you will be nan

I get that biologically you're not their grandmother.
But fucking hell what a miserable twat you sound. My DS16 has 2 nannies that aren't even related in anyway shape or form. Nanny Annie is an old family friend and Nannie Beach is my very much ex's mother!

I've not once said I won't love the baby! I'm looking forward to having a baby in the family because the last one was my youngest. I love babies and will cuddle and babysit at anytime but I just don't want to be "Nan"!! Jesus fucking Christ I didn't think that made me a monster!!

If you were saying no because you didn’t want to step on SD mums toes I would get it but the way your coming across it that she isn’t your family so your nothing to the baby.

Wow, you sound horrible!

YABU and rather horrid. Give your head a wobble. You can’t choose when your DH is family and when he isn’t.
You are a step grandmother, like it or not and it would be nasty to expect the child to call you anything else.
Talk about ruining it all for your DH too. Spiteful.

My DD has 4 grandma’s- 2 step, my DM and MIL. That’s entirely normal these days.

If I was your dh I'd be bloody horrified by your spoilt, petulant hijacking of his daughter's news.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If SD is close to her mum then her mum might not want you to be known as nanny either. I have a friend in the same situation and her partners grandkids call her by her first name because she's not their nan. I think if there wasn't a nan in the picture then you might think differently?

Maybe be a bit less harsh about it?

My husbands step mother is a granny to my baby, and my step grandad was much more of a grandad than my biological grandad ever was.
I think you are being a bit ridiculous with this, app hat if the baby calls you granny once it’s able to speak? Are you going to tell it no, you need to call me by my name?

I think the phrase it’s not what you say it’s the way you say it is very appropriate here ! Read back what you wrote and imagine you husband said that to you.

I'm with you op. It's your partner who's unreasonable, in my view

I wouldn't say 52 was a young Grand parent. .
You knew his family weren't blood, so It's a bit shitty to be pulling the old.
Bloods thicker than water chestnut. I'm afraid your D H comes as a package and if you don't like it you're in the wrong marriage.

Better to think of a nan type name you would like to be called. There are loads of cool ones on the internet. This isn’t that important TBH - it’s far more interesting and exciting that there’s a new baby on the way.

YANBU OP.