To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I'm younger than you and in the exact same position in that my stepchildren has just become a parent.

My dh is a grandad and my dd is an auntie. My stepchild mother is remarried. So both of us will be nanny and grandad name.

I think it depends on your view of your family make up. I see it as the first grandchild of our family.

Just like if my an adult daughter has children they ll be grandchildren of our family ie our family unit.

We each had a child when we got married so for us this is the family we have created.

Clearly you dont think the same. I can see why it has upset your dh.

As you said your sd may not want you to be called any variation of nan etc, but if she does I would expect her to be very hurt that you reject that especially as you have been a part of her life for so many years.

I think it's a huge honour that my stepchild wants me to be called nanny and it's a sign that we have created a happy and close family for all our kids.

I completely get where you’re coming from; just because you don’t want to be called Nan doesn’t mean the baby isn’t special. Does your SD call you Mum? Does she call you by your name? The baby should follow that pattern. If it’s your name than the baby can call you that!

My friend became a step grandmother at the age of 30 and complained a bit at first about the title as she felt too young, but now she loves the children so much and is happy to be called "Nanny Claire".

When my friends started having babies they were determined to call me Auntie Brandora even though I wasn't technically a proper Auntie, so then they called me anti-Auntie for a bit and I got over myself. Who cares. It's about babies and love.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My dad’s wife is 43. She’s lovely, and is great with my children. They adore her. They call her by her name 🤷🏻‍♀️, and would find it weird if we called her ‘nan’ or ‘gran’ or anything like that. They’ve got their own grandparents, and she has her own 20 year old son and 14 year old daughter.

Are you my step mother? She’s insisted on this. It’s horrible seeing her grandchildren calling her nanny but my sister’s kids all having to call her by her name. She corrects them. She is a horrible person.

My friend's mum was widowed and remarried when my friend was fifteen. The kids called her step dad by his first name, like she and her sister did.

My older kids always called step grandparents by first names... my stepmother was a nightmare everytime i had a baby and we don't have a warm relationship...which has inturn lead to a fragmented relationship with my Dad.

My stepdad is an amazing Grandad to all the children and the children all took to calling him grandad without prompting.

I guess you like my stepmother do not consider his older children as part of your own family.
I know my own mother has struggled with my half sisters..

Instead of nan why dont you suggest you DH be pop's and to can be Lolly... and always have lollypops for the little one!

I think you’re saying you don’t want to be called “Nan”, not that you don’t want to play a role in your SD’s child’s life, right? If so, YANBU. You can choose to be called what you like. Personally I hate the word “Nan” or “Nanny” and would only want to be called “granny” or “grandma”. If my DH insisted I was to be called something else I’d be furious - who gave him the sole right to decide? I suggest you calm everyone down by explaining you can’t wait for the baby, you’re thrilled, you will obviously be like a grandparent as you are its grandfather’s wife, but you just don’t want to be called Nan or another diminutive as you feel too young to be a nan (I wouldn’t be too honest about your real reasons again - being only 40 seems enough of a reason to have a crisis about being a grandparent!).

Would you consider something like “Auntie Notanan” or similar, so your name is still involved?

There's two points here - what you are and what you are called. I think it's how you positioned it. Saying I don't want to be a Nan makes you sound nasty because that's your husbands kids - especially when you say I only want to be Nan to my own kids. Saying I don't want to be called Nan is completely different. I know lots of people who don't call grandparents by the traditional names. If you position it differently I think it sounds better and you still get what you want

I have a step mother who I met when I was 18 and i don’t have a bond with and I don’t want my kids calling her grandma

So I get your point. I think it’s fair for u to not be grandma. I don’t know why it’s nasty.

How’s ur relationship with ur SD?

My MIL was a Nan and she was my least favourite person so there was no way on this earth I was going to be a Nan.
Everyone told me I was to be Grandma and I didn’t like that either but couldn’t think of anything else I would like.
Anyway problem solved, the baby couldn’t say Grandma and named me Mama which I love.

@custardbear when we got together the children were 10 and 7 so I wasn't really thinking about the day they had children!

@CalmdownJanet yes to everything you have said! I probably was a bit harsh but after 3 solid weeks of "do you want a cup of tea Nanny", "You're going to be a Nan now so you should learn how to knit" I just got really pissed off!!

I'm 40 I don't feel like a grandparent especially when my kids are so young, I want to and will be involved but surely I can do that with my own name?

My baby’s step grandmother is known by granny then her first name. She doesn’t see me ( married to her stepson) having a baby as removing anything from the experience of her daughter having a baby and being a granny then.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My daughter has a child (who I think is adorable) but I don't define myself as a nan / grandma / whatever. DGC calls me by my name. As do my DCs.

I think the problem is that your husband is being a twat about it.

You don't want to tread on any toes.

Presumably if SD wants her mum to be something else though & you to be Nan then you'd be OK with that?

By that I mean not be called “grandma”.

I would tell your DH that it’s up to your step daughter to decide if she wants you to be called nan/nanny/granny etc as you’re not taking the place of her own mother.

I’d also mention to step DD that you’d like to be known by your own name/nickname.

I can see why people are getting offended at your post as your DH is really excited at becoming a first time grandparent and you’re pissing on his chips (as someone previously mentioned!). Just let him enjoy it, your DDs might not have kids for another 25-30 years.

If you don't want to be a nan =pick another name. My Mother chose Granny - I didn't question her. My sister wanted to be Auntie S-fine my brother just wanted to be S and not Uncle S so he's just S. Pick what ever name you like..........

Also legally you could have been a gran at 33 and a bit so don’t think it makes you seem old.

Don’t think 52 is particularly young to become a grandad?

Ok, I kind of get what you’re saying - I imagine your SD calls you by your name rather than “mum”, so why would you be “nan” to her children.... that’s what you mean?

The thing is, it comes across as you rejecting her from your immediate family. You may well feel she isn’t in your immediate family, I’m guessing she was already a teenager when you met her (based on the age gap). But it does come across a little cold if she’s basically offering to include you and your rejecting it.

My FIL remarried and had more children. My DH doesn’t call her his stepmother as he was already a teenager when they met so they just never had a relationship where she was in a parenting role. But my DD still calls her “grandma”. Ok, she’s young for a grandma, but my DD is 3 and doesn’t think anything of it. It’s the easiest way to convey to DD that we consider this woman family rather than friend (she calls our friends by their names)

@Notanan Did you insist on your stepchildren calling you Mum? If so I think you ABU. If they've always called you by your name then I don't.

OP doesn't seem to be saying that she won't welcome her husband's grandchild, just pointing out that she isn't the child's grandmother. Which she isn't.

I get you OP. My DH is older than me and has a DC who has children. I am not their nan, granny, whatever. I’m married to her dad. It is slightly different for us in that they (DH and his DD) are very low contact so I’ve never actually met her. I would have thought it may put his (your DH’s) ex-wife’s nose out of joint as well.

My DB married someone with a child; she calls him by his name, me ‘Chrissy’ (not aunty Chrissy) and my parents by their Christian names. My DBs biological DD calls me ‘aunty Chrissy’ and my parents ‘nan and grandad’. Bro’s DSD has her actual GPs who she calls ‘grandma and grandad’. Everyone is fine with this.

But yes I’d be annoyed at him going on and on about you rather than himself. Hope you can find a way to stop him. I know I’d end up offending him!

I understand OP and I don't think you're being a monster like some people are making out. Wanting to be called by your own name and not nan is hardly an awful thing.