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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a Nan

591 replies

Notanan · 15/06/2020 21:03

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

OP posts:
Lxx16 · 15/06/2020 21:27

My little boy has six grandparents. My mum and dad, my oh mum and step dad and his dad and step mum. I would have been devastated if either his step dad or step mum had said this! He has three grandads, two grandmas and a nanny. Maybe you need to consider your SD's feelings in this too ...

MindyStClaire · 15/06/2020 21:27

I don't understand why OP is getting such a tough time. I've seen countless threads on here from mothers to be not wanting their stepmothers to be called Granny or whatever. They feel that should be reserved for their own mum.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/06/2020 21:27

I'm with the OP and don't think she's being a dick. At 40, I wouldn't feel ready to be a nan. Lots of people are still having their own babies at 40 and the OP's kids are still young - she's not in that place yet.
Also if my husband kept calling me 'nan' when he knew it was pissing me off, I would consider it his own fault if I lost enthusiasm. OP is happy about the baby but the SD isn't her daughter and I can see why she doesn't feel like this is her grandchild.

Boomclaps · 15/06/2020 21:27

This

Buzzfrightyears

It would be so nice if you just thought, who cares what I’m known as, as long as that baby knows I’m always there for them to support and love them!

And this...
The point you are missing is that everyone can call you by your first name, your children will call you Mum/Mam whatever, and that makes you have a special place to those two people. Why would you not want some special term that denotes your place in the family?

My mums mum died when she was a little girl & my grandad met my grandma when mum was a teenager. My grandma had a baby from my first marriage & whilst she’s my mums step mum, she has always been my grandma, and she was younger than you are when I was born. And my mums Step sister has always just been a sister, no half/step nonsense in our family.
I love them all so much but I’m especially close to my grandma.
When my grandad died she was so scared she’d lose us and we were scared she wouldn’t want us. Turns out we were all being silly.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 15/06/2020 21:27

I'm presuming most people who are calling you fit to burn on here haven't been in this position. I rarely post but feel very strongly about this and how you have been treated on here. Cold? Cow? Selfish? Jealous? I'm sure you are none of these things, I certainly wasn't either.
The boy is now 12 and has called me by my first name from the word go. I'm not his nana/gran. It seems ridiculous to me you are being called out for something that's actually a fact! Am I loving and fun and always happy to see him? Yes. And this is what's important!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/06/2020 21:28

I do agree with pp though that you shouldn't keep saying you don't feel like it's your gc - it will just unnecessarily hurt your SD. Sometimes it's best to say nothing.

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2020 21:28

TO be fair to the OP I think her DP took the teasing of it a little bit too far and then when she reacted told her she was nasty

I assume her SD is quite happy with her Mum being the Nan and the OP having a role slightly different to that. If she wanted to be Nan and step on the other grandmothers toes she would be slaughtered as well.

OP you need a chat with your husband and tell him you are excited and happy and want to support him with his role as Grandad but not step on anyones toes.

And that you dont appreciate the constant teasing about it

Original poster
Notanan · 15/06/2020 21:29

I haven't said this in front of SD, I've said it to dh because he was saying it over and over again despite me telling him various excuses such as it's too early to discuss it, let's let SD decide etc.. Friends have been all "I can't believe you're going to be a Nan, ha ha ha" etc and I've told them that I won't be because I just want the baby to call me by my name.

If SD's Mum wasn't around then I would absolutely step up and let the baby call me Nan or Nanny or whatever but she is around and they are very close so I don't feel the need to be in that roll. Like I said I will be there and babysit and my kids will be aunties but I just don't want to be known as any kind of "grandparent name" just my own name will be fine. My name can be shortened think Fiona to Fi and that's absolutely fine!

OP posts:
HalfTermHalfTerm · 15/06/2020 21:29

He said I have to be a Nan because I am married to him and he is going to be a grandad.

I missed this. If this is actually what your husband said then he is being a bit dense. ‘Nan’ does not mean ‘married to grandad’.

MamaLion1319 · 15/06/2020 21:30

My actual mum became a nan in her mid 30s as did her mum. My mum loves telling people she's a nanny and see them tell her she doesn't look old enough! She isn't even an active grandparent. I'd be mortified if someone who'd spent that long as a part of my life felt so strongly about my NEWBORN BABY! Whether you want to be called Nan or not how you can feel so detached from a baby joining your family is beyond me. I hope your SD keeps you at arms length bless her. Idk what on earth you thought would happen when you married a man with older children. Imagine if someone treated your own dc and dg the way you are...

Justgivemesomepeace · 15/06/2020 21:31

I don't understand how you can think like this. I imagine that long term, if you manage to keep on good terms, there will be an underlying resentment at your attitude. Why cant you embrace the child, like any other of that generation into the family as a grandparent? You sound really cold.
My dds step grandad is just as much a grandad to her as her other grandad and I absolutely love him for it.They are my ex's parents and treat my ds, who is from another relationship exactly the same. They said when I had him that they are dds grandparents so they are ds's too. My dp's parents treat dd as a granddaughter. You cant have a blended family and pick which children are your grandchildren and which aren't based on DNA. They are all your family and you need to treat them the same or you are headed for a whole load of trouble in my opinion.

ExpectTheWorst · 15/06/2020 21:31

My MIL’s partner was most certainly never my dc’s grandparent. He was known by his name and his role was quite different to the actual grandparents.
OP I assume your DP’s dc don’t call you “mum” either, so why would their kids call you “nan”?
You are being perfectly reasonable OP.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/06/2020 21:31

A good friend of mine is a 40 year old Nan as her husband is older and has adult daughters.She loves it and doesnt feel any older.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2020 21:33

I’d be honoured. My step mum is granny to my step kids and my DD, she doesn’t have her own and it means the world to her. Her mum who has grandchildren and even two great grandchildren coming out of her ears also refers to my DD as her great grandchild and I think it’s really lovely. Family is what we’ve made it.

CherrySpritz · 15/06/2020 21:33

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. I understand completely. My ex-DP’s grandchildren called me Cherry. They already had four grandparents. And it wasn’t an age thing with me as I was a decade older than you at the time. Nobody had a problem with it at all.

Halloweenbabyy · 15/06/2020 21:34

Your a delight aren’t you.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 15/06/2020 21:34

It is also down to your SD. My FIL has a partner has been with a while however they dont live together (tried and didnt work out so well). When my LO is old enough to call her anything it will be her name or a nickname but it wont be nan or gran etc. Your SD may have an idea already.

Original poster
Notanan · 15/06/2020 21:34

@mamalion where have I said I feel detached from the baby? Nowhere that's where! I am over the moon that there will be a new baby and Christ after this year it will be lovely but I just don't want to be called Nan! I'm not going to ignore him/her when they arrive or leave the house when they visit, I just want to be called by my name!!!

OP posts:
DrDavidBanner · 15/06/2020 21:35

Its a bit rude of your partner, does the girl not have a mother of her own, surely she will be the nan and all the loely things that go with it. Why shuld you have to have anything to do with it?

SpringSpringTime · 15/06/2020 21:36

Are you sure your DH wasn’t (totally cackhandely) sounding you out? He was pushing it deliberately, perhaps he sensed discord.

This is definitely something that would be best talked about calmly. Sit him down and say the kind version of what you’ve said here. That you love DSD, you’re so excited about the baby, but being called nan doesn’t feel right to you with the other grandma in the mix. I’d leave saving being a nan for your own daughters out of it.

Your DH shouldn’t have kept teasing you btw. I suspect he was trying to force the issue, not great but then it’s all very emotional-he probably wants to know you’re going to be happy for him.

Wearywithteens · 15/06/2020 21:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ToothFairyNemesis · 15/06/2020 21:36

You are really nasty op, and why ask for opinions when you are going to ignore them? X

Casmama · 15/06/2020 21:36

I think the problem is you talking about it being special but this baby not special enough to count in your eyes - that seems massively insensitive and unnecessary.
I absolutely think you have the right to not be called nan but i think that is a battle you can fight nearer the time. Your dh is obviously a bit excited so stop being a kill joy and have a quiet word with your SD about what you would like to be called nearer the time.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/06/2020 21:36

I agree with you and chances are once the baby born your SD too may try to ensure there’s a differentiation between her mum and you.

ToothFairyNemesis · 15/06/2020 21:36

X because I was texting also!

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