To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

@Italiangreyhound
Can't you see how between the children and grandchildren it would cause resentment. The name is the just the start of it.
It's the gifts our child has received that the other grandchildren didn't.
It's offering to provide childcare for our child but not the others.

Being happy that it's a baby from 'her' side this time is reasonable. Spending years being a decent granny to so many children then deciding that she can suddenly do so much better for our child has caused a lot of issues between everyone.

Her step children feel like their kids have been pushed out, they feel it's unfair and they're right. We're now stuck feeling really awkward about every gift and offer she makes as we don't know how to approach it with DHs step siblings who were close to.

Surely it's the same as with children, you should treat them the same.

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

OP should be known as whatever she wants.

My husband had a step-father. To our children he was always Uncle Name. To his own grandchildren he was Grandad.

Similarly, my MIL was Granny, but to her husband's grandchildren she was Auntie Name.

My son asked me what I wanted to be called when his daughter was born. I picked a very unusual version of what kids would normally call their Grandma. I love it

People always go on on these threads about who's choice it is what to be called. It's mum's choice, it's SDs choice, it's OPs choice.

Personally, I would allow the baby/child to choose what to call me. Perhaps start by referring to you as your name but I certainly wouldn't be correcting them if they started calling me Nan, I think that is too far.

I don't think YABU OP to start with OP and I think some of the responses have been very dramatic, as if you've said you want nothing to do with this child when really that isn't the case at all, it's just about the name. However as I said, if the child wanted to call me Nan, I couldn't correct them and say 'no I'm not I'm FreeFrom'. That seems unnecessarily cruel, I think you'd have to suck it up if they started called you Nan/Granny whatever, themselves.

If my stepdad would've said this to my mum I'd have been absolutely mortified. My children call my stepdad grandad and always will.

@EverdeRose yes I can. You make a good point. But perhaps in some ways, relevant to the OP it's good for the OP to read this and understand how it can foster bad feeling later on.

It wouldn't be my choice to treat step grandchildren differently but do the step grandchildren also have another grandmother who gives gifts and offers childcare? Personally, I want things to always be fair etc. But if your step siblings children have another granny who cares for them and not for your child maybe they are not losing out so much? If they only have your mum then yes I can really see how it would hurt.

But I can see how it is hard for you, Maybe you can talk to her.

Sorry your husband's step siblings.

@EverdeRose, many posters have pointed out that if OP is called Nan, the biological parents might resent it. To be honest, I think that's more likely that the DSD or the eventual grandchild resenting her being called by her name.

Step-parenting is filled with possible mis-steps. What the SGM is called is full of pitfalls, but the OP has as much right to state her preference as anyone else involved. Her DH is being unreasonable.

I think it’s a shame that when all the grandkids are older, you will happily be nana to some of them and not others. That’s so nasty.

If your stepchildren have embraced your children as family do the same and embrace their child with love.

[quote Italiangreyhound]**@EverdeRose* yes I can. You make a good point. But perhaps in some ways, relevant to the OP it's good for the OP* to read this and understand how it can foster bad feeling later on.

It wouldn't be my choice to treat step grandchildren differently but do the step grandchildren also have another grandmother who gives gifts and offers childcare? Personally, I want things to always be fair etc. But if your step siblings children have another granny who cares for them and not for your child maybe they are not losing out so much? If they only have your mum then yes I can really see how it would hurt.

But I can see how it is hard for you, Maybe you can talk to her.[/quote]
Yes they have 4 grandparents

So mum dad (hubby) of Step daughter

Mum dad is her partner

Op said if no grandparents /NaN then she would be called it but there are 2 nans /granny

Personally, I would allow the baby/child to choose what to call me. Perhaps start by referring to you as your name but I certainly wouldn't be correcting them if they started calling me Nan, I think that is too far.

@FreeFromDinoMeat have you actually met a child who is learning to talk? They learn what to call things by repeating what they are told. The adults say “here’s Nana” “ say hello to Nana” etc etc . They learn the names long before they understand the relationships (my 3 year old doesn’t reliably remember when questioned that Granny is Daddy’s Mummy) but they only parrot what other people say to them.

My only problem with the OP not wanting to be called by a typical grandmother's name is not that she doesn't want the 'ageist' perception of it, but that she wants to be called the derivative of it when HER daughters are old enough to have children, because then it will apparently be "special", so although she will like her SD's baby, it won't be "special" to her - imo that is what is sounding horrible, not what she might or not want to be called.

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

Personally, I would allow the baby/child to choose what to call me. Perhaps start by referring to you as your name but I certainly wouldn't be correcting them if they started calling me Nan, I think that is too far.

@FreeFromDinoMeat have you actually met a child who is learning to talk? They learn what to call things by repeating what they are told. The adults say “here’s Nana” “ say hello to Nana” etc etc . They learn the names long before they understand the relationships (my 3 year old doesn’t reliably remember when questioned that Granny is Daddy’s Mummy) but they only parrot what other people say to them.

Which is why I said start referring to yourself as your own name to begin with... But don't correct them if they themselves move on to Nan or whatever.

Gosh my dad’s (much younger) wife is great with my DC, they love her and she them, but yes I imagine it will be different when her own children have DC! I definitely don’t begrudge her that ‘special’ relationship with her grandchildren.

Haven't RTFT but I don't think it's nice to feel that way at all. My mum is remarried and my stepdad is grandad to my son, I'd have hated him to not want to be. My dad knew from the beginning my stepdad would also be grandad. I told him myself it's what I wanted.

I haven’t read the full thread and I also realise the thread is a few days old so OP might not be checking back anymore. Yes, OP, you should be able to be called what you want but it’s coming across as that your SD isn’t good enough.

I’m a step-daughter. My dad married my step-mum when I was 6. She’s been in my life a long time, I’m close with my mum and so obviously don’t call her mum. Growing up, I felt like add-on to my dad’s new family. Both dad and step-mum would introduce me as dad’s daughter from his first marriage. I couldn’t just be his daughter, they had to add that caveat. Make sure all their friends knew I wasn’t a regular, normal part of their family. I wasn’t a full time member. I don’t refer to my siblings as my half-siblings even though they are but I don’t have the same relationship with my siblings that they have with each other. I still feel like an add-on to my dad’s family. I hope that when we have kids, my step-mum will choose to be called nan/gran/grandma and I’d be really hurt if she didn’t. Especially if she openly acknowledges this:

I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children).

It would just make me feel like an outsider all over again. Like I’m not a part of their family, like I’m not a part of my dad’s family. I’m already aware that if my siblings have children, my dad and step-mum will have that built in closeness to them. My step-mum not using nan/gran/grandma is going to add to that feeling. It would hurt our relationship, not to a point where I cut contact but it would cause me to withdraw further from my dad and therefore affecting my dad’s relationship with any kids I have.

Your SD might not have felt as left out growing up, she might have felt like she wasn’t an add on but there’s no way of knowing for sure. You might think she didn’t feel like that but she wouldn’t have told you if she did, I’m sure my dad and step mum thought their words were innocent but they weren’t that way to me. I haven’t told my dad and step mum about how I feel. Even if directly asked, I would lie and say I didn’t feel like that. If your daughter has ever felt left out of your little family with your DH and your daughters, the you will potentially damage your relationship.