To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I think you and dh need to step back and let dsd decide. My mil was a a bit 'i dont want to be grandma or nana i want to be granny etc' it pisssd us off tbh as it our child. We compromised but she still wasnt happy with what we decided

No they really don't need to let dsd decide! Why should she decide what OP gets called?

I don't think YABU.

Seems perfectly reasonable to be Grandad and 'Sarah' or what ever.

Baby can still love Grandad and Sarah; Sarah can make sure baby is included and loved in the family, she's just gets known as Sarah, cos she's grandad's wife, and nanny is mummy's mummy.

Seems fine to me.

I called my step-Gran by her first name. I still thought of her as one of my grandparents, and she thought of us as family. After my Grandpa died we all did our best to look after her, so a name isn't important, the relationship is.

DD's Grandma was a widow and has remarried. DD calls him by his first name too. I don't think it is rude or rejecting to wish this to happen.

@cologne4711

Don't worry, with an attitude like that your SD will make sure you don't get the privilege of being called nan

Is it a privilege? "Nan" makes you sounds about 93. The OP says she is 40. I'd not want to be a "nan" either - step or real. OP you can just be called by your name, surely?

And why so many nasty remarks?

Because she's a stepparent, of course. They can't do right for doing wrong on here.

I also called my step grandmother by her first name, even though I didn’t have any living grandmothers. I don’t think my parents would have wanted me to call her “Nan” etc, and I didn’t care or notice - it was just normal!

I wonder if the responses would be the same if the OP said my daughter has had children and they call my ex husband's wife nan, I'm their nan surely she can be called by her name?

I think being called by your name would be sensible, sensitive to your husbands ex wife and less confusing for the children. Not sure why some posters on here seem to have a problem with stepmothers but once you see it you can't not see it.

I get it. I hate my step mum and it winds me up every time someone called her my sons grandma. Maybe she won’t want you to be a grandparent! Just have an honest convo and come up with a name for the kids to call you that you’re comfortable with.

YANBU. I would not want to be call Nan either. I see nothing around in you wanted to be called by your first name. I have friends who's kids call them by their first names, maybe they didn't want to be mum or dad either. So what? They still are their mum and dad just as you'll still be a step-nan.

Don't make a fuss because she's your SD though. Just say you just want to be called Notanan and start it right from the beginning.

Seems reasonable to me OP. I don't think you should be called something you don't like. It doesn't affect how involved you are with the new baby.

My sister is in this situation, married a man with grown up kids (some of whom are older than her). All the grandchildren call her by her name. Nana/Grandma is reserved for the maternal grandmother.

There isn't a 'wrong' way to do it, some step grandparents will have special names and some won't.

That's really sad. I hope (and assume) you aren't close to your step daughter?
My step mum is Nana to my kids. Her own son probably won't have his own for a while but she was just as keen to be a grandparent to my children as my own mum, dad, step dad and in laws were. It's brilliant for my children to have so many grandparents. We feel lucky to have such a supportive extended family.

I'm nearly 40 myself and I think you need to grow up tbh. I hope your SD isn't upset by your behaviour and I don't blame your DH for being pissed off with you. You shouldn't thought about this eventuality when you married him if it cramps your style that much.

Btw my bio grandmother decided she was too young to be called anything but her name when I was born (1st GC)

By the time my cousins and my half brother were born she decided she was ready but they all copied me as kids do and insisted on calling her by her name like me.

She never was a "Gran, Nana, Nan" or whatever and she was gutted. Be careful what you wish for.

Why are so many people offended by this? Go by whichever moniker you like OP. Ypu don't obvioulsy HAVE to do what ypur husband days, on any matter, or agree with him.

I think it would have been tactful though and made your life easier to not protest before it's even come up, it gives he impression you aren't pleased or are even disgusted by what is generally supposed to be happy news. For your DP it probably just seems like you're making a point about being very separate to 'his' children. It's all a bit over the top and unnecessary.

I've been with DP 15 years and have no desire to marry, he has nieces and nephews that I have known since birth. They just call me 'auntie' - they obviously understand it's technically not the case but I'm in that role for them so I don't begrudge them it and certainly cba to argue or make children feel alienated.

Drogonssmile you are entitled to think what you like, of course, but why would you hope the OP is not close to her DSD?

I really think the OP is perfectly grown up, she's expressing her feelings. I think that is a very valid thing to do.

Next time you get the "Nan" comment from your DH, just tell him, "I'm pleased for you and thrilled about the baby, but you're getting really tedious with this Nana nonsense and I'm bored now!"

As for all the PPs suggesting you're jealous/nasty/cold/unnatural or that there are rules to be followed about what you're called, just ignore that nonsense, too.

You are who you say you are. There are enough people trying to dictate how we 'woman' and judging every breath we take without MN joining in.

Good grief some people are really laying it on thick!
She is not their grandmother...there IS a grandmother who might like the title...and OP doesn't want to be called 'nan'. (A fairly silly name for a grandmother anyway)..

What's the problem? I am not normally on the side of step-parents but this is totes ridiculous

@LST evil step grandmother? Seriously? 😂😂😂😂😂😂 oh wait 😂😂😂😂😂😂

My DM’s parents are divorced and my DF’s parents are divorced and I call my GP’s new partners my grandparents (they all were married before I was born). My kids call my step parents nanny and grandad 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you sound awful and really mean.
Surely you've known your SD since they were teens and they're part of your family, why would you want to treat them as less than. How would you feel if your children were treat as less than like you are treating them.

DH's mum has decided that despite the multiple grandchildren her husband has (and the fact that they call her granny) our baby is her first grandchild and will use a different name for her than the others do. It's already causing resentment and issues between her and her DH and between me, DH and his step siblings. I hate it and I know it will only get worse once the baby is here.

The baby will call you whatever it ends up calling you, taking a lead from the parents, so if DSD refers to you as name, the baby will too surely? (Not when a newborn obviously, you know what I mean). Family members often end up with random nicknames or mispronunciations, I don't see why you have to be nan.

It's an overused phrase, but you have a DH problem. This is coming from him, not DSD, he's calling you nan because you've said you don't want to be called that, and that's not ok. For what it's worth my DBro's DW is quite a bit older than him, and her nieces are around his age, leading to him becoming a great uncle before he was 30! We make fun of calling him great uncle but the difference is, he thinks it's funny too - you've told your partner its not funny and you don't like it, and he's still doing it. That's the issue.

So it's ok to call her your step daughter but don't want to be a Nan to your SD child? That is mean.

Isit because you only want to be Nan to your biological children's child.

The age thing doesn't matter either my mum was a nan at 38. Must admit she did ask to be called Aunty at first but she was joking 🙃

Even within families people might be called something different by different biological grandchildren.

For example my son called MIL nana but there's a bit of an age gap to the other grandchildren and everyone else calls her nanny.

@iwilltaketwoplease

So it's ok to call her your step daughter but don't want to be a Nan to your SD child? That is mean.

Isit because you only want to be Nan to your biological children's child.

The age thing doesn't matter either my mum was a nan at 38. Must admit she did ask to be called Aunty at first but she was joking 🙃

OP has said that yes, she only wants the grandmother title to her bio children.

EverdeRose I am really sorry there are resentment issues in your family but your mum has every right to think this child is special to her because they are her first grandchild. Her step grandchildren may well be loved and cared for and all the rest of it but her husbands kids are not her kids and so I can't really see why you are upset with her.

And the personal cruel comments to the OP are just not on. Those calling her names must realize how ridiculous they sound.