To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

My stepmum (who is absolutely lovely) was adamant she would not be a grandmother to my baby when I first fell pregnant. She was not being malicious at Salk but was keen to keep the dynamic as it always has been (I'm her husbands daughter with my own mum etc).

I did not mind this at all and we discussed that my baby would call her by her name etc.

Within ten minutes of meeting my newborn she was referring to herself as "Grandma hername" and him as her grandson and she has ever since.

My children had nothing taken away from their relationship with their biological grandmother (sadly deceased now so I am extra glad for the "extra" grandma) and I don't believe it will change the dynamic when my much younger half sister (stepmums daughter) has her own children.

My point is - wait and see how you feel when the baby is here, you may surprise yourself, babies are a blessing and the more loving family the have around them the better.

Not sure why some people are being so horrible to OP. My partner has grandchildren and I'm not their Nan , they have actual grandparents. I'm his partner and they call me by my name. If any of his grandchildren wanted to call me Nan and his children didn't mind , I wouldn't mind, but as I say they've got actual grandparents.

You don’t sound very loving OP. Embrace this out of love for your DH. When you married him you became step mother to his children, age is irrelevant.

I agree with you. Might be nice to have a nickname though, rather than Nan (which I hate by the way) or Grandma.....maybe a playful form of your name (friend has a step parent and they call he Chichi as it links to her name but is less formal).

I think you are 100% right,

When I read threads like this I am always so relieved I ended up with amazing step-parents. YABU.

I agree with Ladyflumpalot - wait and see. Just brush over anyone asking you about the Nan thing - don't make a big deal of it, just brush over it and say how you're so excited for them, can't wait to meet the baby, blah blah blah.

Don't piss on their bonfire whatever you do - it's a happy time, don't make it a shit one.

i think you are 100% right too. and its respectful to ask the SD what she wants kids to call you, as you do not want to step on others toes.

I'd suggest some names too.

I am not Auntie X to my nephew, he just calls me by my name. Which is the same as my sister uses to not odd at all. I assume as SD doesn't call you mum, but your name, then this would follow.

your husband is being an idiot anyway, even if you were say her mum, you generally find out what the other mum is being called and work out a non clashing version. (with priority usually (no idea why) her mum, his mum, any step parents last.

I read it as OP not wanting to be CALLED nan rather than she doesn't want to act like one. She's said she's excited for a baby in the family.

I don't think you deserve all this vitriol, OP.

Well you probably should have factored that in when you got with someone with much older kids!!!! It was always a possibility

Why would the possibility of your future partner wanting you to be Nan to his grandchildren factor into a major decision like that? Can you imagine anyone refusing to marry someone they loved in case this might happen?

How would you feel if they completely left you out and just referred to you as ‘Sarah’? Or whatever your first name is? Some people would Feel left out over that.

OP has said that is what she wants, so I imagine she'd be delighted

@BashStreetKid

Because this is exactly what has happened. She’s married someone with older kids and low behold one is them is pregnant. So if it’s going to upset her that much, yes she should have thought about it.... because here we are. Also her DH was always going to be grandad. So when they’re out and about and the child shouts “Hey grandad”, people will assume she’s the grandma anyway.

Yes clearly she would be delighted but not everyone would feel like that. Some people would feel a bit left out in the sense not part of the family.

The mother of the baby probably couldn’t do right for doing wrong. In all honestly they probably don’t want her to be known as Nan but they’ll feel bad for not including her. Ironic as she doesn’t want to be included.

Jesus Christ. The absolute crazy overreactions on here.

OP, it’s fine to not want to be called nan, which is what we’re talking about here. I’ve seen loads of posts saying ‘I’m not ready to be a grandma - can I be glam-ma instead?’ or similar. Because she’s a step mum she just has to suck it up because it’s ‘not nice’? Fuck. That.

Plenty of parents and grandparents are called by their first names or another made up word, OP can use one of those.

‘You don’t sound very loving’
‘You sound horrible’
‘Hmm..this can't be real?
If it is, then you aren't a very nice person tbh’
‘Tbh I think you sound horrid’
‘You're being a bit of a twat, it's just a name and I think you should look at it from the child's point of view in future years’

^^just a sample of the nasty comments levelled at OP because at the ripe old age of 40 she doesn’t want to be known as a nanna. Rude, uncalled for, and patently untrue.

Also - the child’s POV is nonexistent at the moment as it’s not born, and children grow up ALL THE TIME in blended families where they don’t call their step-parent mum or dad - so why this should be different I don’t know.

And also it’s about what the child wants/needs. Different if she’s got with him even the child was 8 of course it would be OTT calling her grandma etc but when the baby will grow with her around then it makes it easier not having to say “well this is Sarah and she’s not your biological nana so we don’t use that name”

I sort of see where you're coming from. Like your SD doesn't call you "Mum" so why should her children call you "Nan"?

However, my Nan was my Mum's step mum and I always called her "Nan". She was as important to me and as much loved as my actual Nan. She'd been married to my Grandad long before I was born and I don't think I ever considered calling her anything other than "Nan".... because she was my Nan. However she never had children of her own so perhaps it was the only chance for her to be called that which might have played a part.

Either way, I think you should do whatever makes you comfortable. I doubt the baby will love you any less.

I’m with you OP, and if that makes me nasty too, so be it!

If I was your SD’s mother I think I’d be unhappy with you being the nan too! She isn’t your daughter. That’s not to say you don’t love her or won’t love her baby, but as a simple matter of fact, you’re not the nan!

Quite agree with you. I think your DH is just teasing you, but just ignore. If the DSD refers to you as nan then say you don't like it and just call me .....

DSC were not brought up by you so they are more like friends than your children.

Don't worry, with an attitude like that your SD will make sure you don't get the privilege of being called nan

Is it a privilege? "Nan" makes you sounds about 93. The OP says she is 40. I'd not want to be a "nan" either - step or real. OP you can just be called by your name, surely?

And why so many nasty remarks?

Are you just purposefully being difficult because I can’t see the issue really. Is it because you so young and you associate nan with someone older? Would you prefer grandma? Or ? I don’t get it but maybe tell them to call you by your first name if it bothers you that much.

OP, my DSD1 had her DS at 17. There is only 2 years between her DS and my DD. Despite me being in her life since she was 4 and being close enough that I am the first person she comes to with any problems, I told her from the start that her mother was granny and I would be known by my name. The main reason for that was because XW would have caused endless problems for her if I was called granny, but I also felt the same as you. We're still very close and my SGC (she has 2 and another on the way) call me by my name without any issues. DH occasionally pulls the granny card but is soon corrected. I love my DSDs and have been in their lives for a long time, my family treat them the same as they do my DC. If all parties are satisfied then fine, but your wishes shouldn't be dismissed as not caring enough for your SC.

If you don't want to be known as nan then that's that. I would imagine your dh is excited and wants to share his excitment as he sees you both as this baby grandparents. Fwiw I had a the best "grandad". He was my nans 2nd husband but the only grandfather I knew and I was very blessed. I've even named one of my children after him.

Wait until theirbaby is a toddler and calls you nanny then you can say I am not a nanny my name is notanan.

How does your step daughter feel? What would she like you to be known as? Would she be hurt and feel rejected if you insist on only being Nan to your biological grandchildren? Don't you think that this is just storing up resentment for any grandchildren your daughters may give you? Kids pick up on differences in treatment no matter how small. What about the relationship between your daughters and their sister? It's about a whole lot more than a name to my mind.

Wait until theirbaby is a toddler and calls you nanny then you can say I am not a nanny my name is notanan

I couldn’t help but laugh at this post 😂

REEDSHOES Laugh in a good way I hope

I was in that situation, I was delighted to be Nanny Handbag.

I have 3 DC by 1st h and Monteith 2nd although he has helped me bring my 2nd 2 DC up. 2 adult sons still live at home, eldest is saving for deposit. All DC call DH by his surname, as I and his friends do. On father's day both sons at home buy him card and gift as well as card and gift for biological dad. Dd does not, she only buys for biological dad. Dd has 2 DC so I am nanny followed by Christian name. DH is surname. Biological dad is called grandad. Everyone fine about this.

When dgs was unwell and could not go to nursery my dh went down for 2 days to look after him, I did 2 days and biological dad did 1 day until child better.

When baby arrives all will love it and names do not matter. Don't spoil this exciting time for your DH though.

I think you are being absolutely horrible and should be delighted that your going to be a nan. It's an honour. If I was your step daughter I would be very upset if I knew you felt that way