To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

@ArgumentativeAardvaark I wonder if it's a northern thing? Always Nanny here. Posh people use granny or grandma

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

Conversely, I had heard “nana” growing up but I had no idea that kids in the U.K. ever called their Grannies “Nanny”- I remember being in an English card shop once as a young teen and seeing all these cards “to Nanny” and thinking how posh the locals must all be to have Nannies employed to look after them 😂

I said something recently to someone about my Nannie. They said they didn't realise I was posh and had a Nannie growing up. They went really red when I said I meant Grandmother

[quote chubbyhotchoc]@ArgumentativeAardvaark I wonder if it's a northern thing? Always Nanny here. Posh people use granny or grandma [/quote]
Quite possibly, but it definitely didn’t make its way to the actual North of the U.K. (Took me years to get my head round some English people referring to themselves as “Northerners”- you’re all Down South to us!)

How would you feel if your DH said this about your children?

My grandmother married her second husband before I was born. He was a lovely chap and treated us like his own grandkids, however he was called his first name by us all. He never tried to replace our Grandad, a wonderful man, and my brother and I were lucky enough to have 5 grandparents.

I am an actual biological nan at 40! My husband is not biologically related to my grandchild but very much sees himself as grandad. I think I would be quite hurt if he didn’t. What will you introduce the baby as? Your grandchild? Will you treat the baby as you would a biological grandchild? If yes then you are a nan.
What you decide to be called by the baby doesn’t really matter. My daughter and her partner refer to me as a different non nan name when talking to the baby so I expect he will call me that too.
I think you should be happy that you have a good relationship with your stepchild and that they want you to play such an important role in their child’s life.
Congratulations to you and your family

Not rtft. But noticed some people have pulled their judgy pants up very high for this one.

Personally, I think it depends on the family, about its politics, its dynamics and relationships.

My mother in law died young. My father in law didn't remarry until his sons were well into their 20s. They didn't like their "stepmother" at first. Only in recent years have they got on ok. I came into the family shortly before my father in law met his second wife. My husband was of the opinion that our daughter's Nanny/Grandma/whatever was no longer with us. Our daughter calls her grandad's second wife by her first name. Her deceased grandmother is referred to as "Nanny (first name)". My mum is Nanna. My step-mum-in-law has her own grandchildren from a previous marriage, and they call her Nanny.

I completely agree with you OP, it’s the same as a step parent being referred to as Mammy or daddy, especially when the bio parent is on the scene. It doesn’t mean you will love the baby any less though.

It really depends on your relationship with your SD and whether you've actively been a step mother or your their dad's wife.

Circumstances are different for each family. The age you came into their lives makes a difference and there's a massive difference between a man who moves into the family home and becomes a step father and possibly seeing the step children more than their biological father does, to being married to someone who sees his children every other weekend.

You haven't mentioned whether you SD even wants to to be the baby's nan! There's every possibility she might not! I do think step mothers are quite often very different relationships to step fathers when they don't live in the home of the children.

I'm 37 and the thought of being a granny in a few years fills me with horror especially when my own child is so young. BUT , looking at the big picture here. Isnt is special that your dh wants you to be included on such a personal level? Means that he wants you to also have that special relationship with the baby? What do you really have to lose here?
The child will grow up loving you as a grandmother rather than grandpa wife.
I think you need to look ahead rather than right now.

Difficult of course but your children will be this baby’s aunt or uncle and your husband the granda so you will be the only one with no real affiliation to the child. No one is expecting you to take over from the child’s biological grandmother but would be nice to share your husbands excitement

My husband has a step dad who his mum married when my husband was an adult, so SD didn't raise him. He is still granddad to our children, always has been and our children love him to bits. They know that he's my husband's SD but he is absolutely 100% their granddad as far as they (and we) are concerned.

This is the risk you take when you hook up with a partner 12 years older than you, who already has kids!
You might end up as "granny" sooner than expected!

But in all honesty, who cares? I don't understand why you're in a tizz about this? A lovely new baby is about to arrive, and, assuming you're reasonably fond of the DSD, you'll forget all about this fuss.

You are making a huge unpleasant problem out of nothing. Get over yourself.

I've been watching this thread with interest. As I've said I was in this position and did not want to be nana to SD baby. It's all worked out well (my post is on p3 or 4).
I genuinely feel strongly the op has been called some horrible names.
Flip the situation if you are outraged at her decision.
Another woman is married to your husband (whether the split was amicable/OW/whatever circumstances), your first grandchild is on its way and she is going to be called nana/grandma by your first grandchild.
How does that feel now?
I'm genuinely sad the op has been called so many horrible names. From the word go.

One nice thing about this situation is that you are more likely to be in the child’s life for a long time as you are so young. My DS adores his grandparents but he is 3 and they are in their seventies and not in perfect health, chances are that they will only really be active grandparents for another 10 years max. That’s sad.

Step parents (esp stepmothers) always get a roasting on here OP no matter what you do. If you were insisting on being called Grandma, you would be called grossly insensitive to birth grandmother!

have a stepmum and we call her grandma in a different language - so my DD has a special name for her but it also makes clear that my mum and my dad are her biological grandparents. She is felt no less loved by any of her grandparents even if she called them 1, 2, 3 and 4. My stepmum is great with her as I am sure you will be to your stepdaughter's LO.

You absolutely have the right to be called what you want to be called. I'm assuming his kids didn't call you Mum so you you don't have to be Nan or Nanny either. I've got stepkids and I don't want to be Granny either - they'll have enough of those. I'll just be my name.

I have 4 grandchildren, my partner of 10 yrs is only grandad to the youngest. My other grandchildren refer to him by name. We didn’t get a choice, their parents decided I would be Nanna and he was “Ross”. I find it insulting that they don’t consider him a grandad.
Going to be fun when the youngest calls him grandad and the others want to know why........

I agree with FamBae.
Just as you have become your OH’s wife through marriage you’ve also become his children’s step mum and like it or not their children’s step grandmother. If your husband wants to call you nanny for the time being let him, he’s obviously looking forward to being a granddad - why spoil his pleasure in these early weeks of the pregnancy. I see where you are coming from when you say you will only be a nanny when your biological children have children, but when you married your husband his children became part of your family and in my view shouldn’t be treated any differently just because you didn’t birth them.
I haven’t read the whole thread but of course his daughter (and her biological mum, if still alive ) may have their own views about what you should be called when the baby arrives and no matter what your husband may think it’s them you should be taking your cue from when the child is born. So many children nowadays have more than 4 grandparents. In my own circle of friends whether they are biological ones or through marriage they all seem to be known as Nanny and Grandad first name.
.

Blatantly place marking.

I think it's awful that so many have expressed a "put up and shut up" attitude on here. Surely it's up to the OP to decide what she should be called not her OH or his children. She has the right to refuse to be called Nan, along with the right to have her decision respected, which her DH has not done. HE wants her to be "Nan" so therefore that's what she should be like it or not? Her wish not to be should just be ignored?

You’ve had some horrible replies on here OP.

What will you do if your SD says she wants you to be called Nan or nanny Or whatever, will you say “No I’m not nan, I’m Fi” or will you go along with it. If you do say that and she takes offence it could cause divisions in the family in the future. If you come round to the idea of being nan, and when the baby is born if she says “oh your not nan, your Fi” will you then be annoyed? Do you see what I mean, I might not be putting this across properly in words?

I say this as my friend has a step mum and she has been inner life sine she was 8, when my friend was pregnant she had mentioned she wanted her step mum to be called granny G (as in G for their surname), stepmom said she didn’t want to be known as granny anything she was just simply (her name), my friend wasn’t very happy with this and it did cause divisions in the family, the one I felt so sorry for was my friends dad and he ended up in the middle of it.

Your husband shouldn’t have kept on and on, but maybe his daughter has said something to him about you being nan and that’s what he’s calling you it?

I called my step grandfather “grandpa” and didn’t see the difference until I was older. He treated me like his “real” grandchildren & I loved him for it. It would have been so hurtful if he’d asked me to call him “Robert.” Your DH must be so embarrassed of your reaction, I hope his daughter never finds out or I doubt you’ll be seeing them.

My DSC have always just called me by my name so I wasn't really expecting to be nan when DSS's baby was born, nor did I particularly want to be, I would have been happy with my name. But DSS had other ideas, I've been his SM since he was 4 and we are very close so he's referred to me as Nan from the beginning and tbh now (baby is 8 months old) I wouldn't have it any other way.

My advice would be wait and see how you feel when the baby is actually here OP, I surprised myself because now I think being a nan is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I wouldn't want to be called anything else. I'm 45 btw if that makes any difference and have a DD who's 11 so my 'own' GC are a good way off and my situation is not so different from yours.

Think Yabu and I can see why you dh is upset.you are actually saying sd is not my family therefore I won't be a nan.
Have a rethink.how would you feel if it were the other way round?
Very sad attitude.