To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

OP - I think the best thing for you to do is have an actual conversation with your stepdaughter.

Tell her you are feeling weird about being referred to as grandma, absolutely not a reflection on your feelings for her or her father etc.

It will, more than likely be easily resolved in a chat. As long as you are kind and considerate in putting your concerns across there shouldn't be a problem.

As I said earlier, I had the exact same chat with my stepmum. She has been wonderful to me - has always been adamant that I am not her daughter but has treated me with love and respect (she offered to babysit my kids for my mums funeral if I didn't want them to go, then asked if she could be of any help with the running around etc).

smells to me like OPs DH is feeling the 'olds' at being a grandpa and wants to drag his much younger wife into the zone...ha ha resist, resist.

If the child's real grandmother came on here and said she wasn't happy about the ex's current partner claiming the right to be called Nan, people who attack OP would be falling over themselves to say how unreasonable the current partner was being.

Oh this in spades. The reality is OP is a step-parent who are hated by most MNers and can do absolutely nothing right. If posters think she should be called Nan by the new baby do they also think that the SD should call her Mum? Makes sense surely?

Just say that the new baby is going to call you by your first name, or perhaps some diminutive of your name, and stick to it. Pretty common in blended families.

. Or you could offer to be a godmother keeps every body "real" without causing any offence.

If there's not going to be a christening/godparents I'd just announce "I am baby's fairy godmother and it can call me Fairy."

Of course fairy godmothers can also adore babies and I'm betting that once you see it, your heart will melt.

@Notanan, If my stepmother, who married my father when I was 11, had decided that she just wanted to be first name to my children because she wasn’t actually going to be a grandmother until her biological children, my brothers, had children I would be extremely put out, And I’m not sure our relationship would ever be anything but civil after that.

By saying you don’t want to be a grandmother to your stepdaughter’s children, you are basically saying that she doesn’t rank in your life.

If Until now you have had an otherwise good relationship, it could ruin it.

Saying that someone isn't your daughter & that therefore you won't be their child's GM doesn't mean that you don't care about them though.

Also, Op's only 15yrs older than her SD, so perhaps doesn't feel a generation older iyswim.

I'm sure things will evolve naturally.

All the best, Op.

My stepdad was like this. He was 12 years younger than my mum so only 40 when I had my first child. He was adamant he was too young and that he didn't want to be called grandad. My mum explained that the title was recognition of his important role in the family and what he meant to me but he still wasn't interested. It was very hurtful as he had been in my life for 15 years (since I was 12) and I saw him in a father figure role. Eventually he was reluctantly called grandad but he later brought it up in marriage guidance with my mum that he didn't like that she forced him into that role. He also said he was made to feel like an outsider in the family, but couldn't see that that was his own doing 🙄

By contrast, my stepmum was delighted to be a granny (my mum was nanny - they chose their own names). She had been in my life for 11 years and was 47 when my first child was born but the age thing didn't bother her at all. She has thrown herself whole-heartedly into the role of granny. I'm so grateful for this as my husband does not have contact with his family and my own mum died last year at 57 😔 My stepmum is now the only granny that my children has and I count myself lucky to have her.

Just wanted to give you the perspective of how this might feel to your stepdaughter and say tread carefully as this could cause fractures in the family as a whole that can't be fixed.

Regarding your DH, I would diffuse the situation by saying "Why dont we wait and see what the baby decides to call us?" and brush off any further discussions in the same way.

My grandma on my mothers side was grandma to us all except my cousin who had speech delay and struggled with it so ended up calling her Nanar. So with the best will in the world, he could end up being something completely different to Grandad.

My MIL is remarried and our DC was her first 'real' GC, but she was nana to all 7 of her DH grandchildren and was over the moon to have that title. When we were having our DC people said things to her like 'first grand child" etc and she always said she's been a nana to DHs grandchildren for a long time but this is the first on her side. I think you could take a different grandparent name if it makes you feel old, since you're only 40 it's fairly young to be a grandparent, so maybe that is what's bothering you

Another one thinking OP has had a hard time. Clearly it's not something that should cause a rift so IMHO she should talk to her DH again and say 1. she is very excited about the baby 2. she is reluctant to be called Nan since her stepdaughter is close to his exwife who be naturally Nan or whatever as will her partner's mother 3. has he considered the fact his daughter might not want her stepmother to be Nan?

She is clearly delighted by the baby so I don't see why she suffered all the vitriol. In my family we rarely called anyone other than first names anyway.

When you marry someone with children you surely accept them as your own children. Therefore when they have children they become your grandchildren.
I find your attitude very strange and if I was your husband I would be very very hurt by this

I've never thought of DH's children as my own children and I don't think of his grandchildren as mine. The children are similar in age to me so it's never felt natural to think of them as my step children. When the grandchildren came along I made it clear I wanted to be called by my name and not nanny or similar and luckily DH was supportive.

I get what you are saying - you want nanny or granny to be used when your own kids are having kids

Can you have a special name instead

Or If want to be nanny to yours - be grandma or Granny sd baby

It’s not like they haven’t got 4 grandparents anyway

My fiancé has 3 older kids , he is now grandad. I’m blondes not nanny

His sons choice as nanny is his mum

As for people saying "you shouldn't have married a much older man with children then" it's not that simple always. Maybe he shouldn't have married someone so much younger than him. He should be able to understand his wife is at a different stage of her life and has a different relationship to his DC.

People fall in love, want to make a life with that person and logic goes out the window. You don't plan for every possible scenario and discuss them ahead of your full commitment to that person, things evolve.

i think you are being unreasonable and may feel a bit differently when the child is born. You dont have to be blood to be a fantastic grandparent and just because you are blood doesnt mean you will be a good role model either.

My parents are awful grandparents for example, but the man married to DHs mum always has and always will be grandad to all our kids and he is certainly the favourite!

My dad’s wife is excellent with my DC, they adore her and she them.
None of that is diminished by them calling her by her first name!

I think you and dh need to step back and let dsd decide. My mil was a a bit 'i dont want to be grandma or nana i want to be granny etc' it pisssd us off tbh as it our child. We compromised but she still wasnt happy with what we decided

@Waveysnail

I think you and dh need to step back and let dsd decide. My mil was a a bit 'i dont want to be grandma or nana i want to be granny etc' it pisssd us off tbh as it our child. We compromised but she still wasnt happy with what we decided

It's your MIL that has to be called that name. It might be your child, but your child won't give a damn who's called what. So how come you think it's your decision? I can't imagine deliberately calling someone a name they hate.

My daughter's MIL already has grandkids, so obviously what they call her will be what my granddaughter calls her. My daughter asked ME what I'd like to be called. She didn't dictate because it was her child, thank goodness.

I think you’re getting a bit of a bashing on here 😔

You get to say what you’re called. Labels are for jam jars and coat hooks. The child will doubtless mangle some words and invent a delightful version of your name for you anyway.

Meanwhile, keep mentioning your name whenever someone tries to impose a label. Unless they want you inventing your own silly name for their child and using it relentlessly against their wishes, they need to back off.

My DS and DiL asked me what I wanted to be called. That’s how it’s done!

The way I read this, is that it’s less about the name and more about not actually being the grandmother. She wants to be somebody of the child loves and who loves a child just not the grandmother. And that’s what I take offense to.

That she will only be a real grandmother once her own biological children have children. And the grandchildren will be treated differently.

Nan..maybe not.. evil stepgrandmother is probably a better title. No matter what you want to call yourself you will still be a step grandmother.

My step grandmother was always my nanny and my step grandfather was grandad. If it's not what you want can you think of something else they could call you? Grandad and might be a bit distancing for you?