To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

Doesn't matter what the dc calls you you will still be a (step) nan unless you divorce DH. So him and your friends are right. They'll stop saying it soon, it's just the novelty of the situation.

I dont think you in the wrong op but im in two minds too.

I have aways considered my dads partner my step mum even though they are not married. She has been more of a mother to me then my own biological mother at times! She is very much my sons nanny and he loves her to bits and he has dh's mum which he loves just as much. If you ask her she always says she has 5 grandchildren (4 from her children and my son).

My dad however is very much "i have 1 grandchild" (my son) he does love the others and plays and looks after them but to him my son is his proper grandchild. Despite the fact the others call him Grandad too 🤦‍♀️
I think now its a running joke but i know my step mum was upset because she considers everyone one big family.

I see his point to a degree i was really upset when my step siblings had kids way before me (not that much older) and he was called grandad from the get go i felt like it had taken away that from me. But now i have had my own i realise that it hasnt taken anything away and actually i love the fact that my dad has been included and always treated as part of the family.

You have every right to be called what you want to be called (obviously as long as your SD is happy) but if you are called nan or something like that it doesnt take anything away from your own kids when they have kids in the much distant future.

I am not mum nan or great nan to dhs family - I am Elinor. Works very well.

Some pretty horrible comments on here from pretty nasty minded people. Just sad some think it is ok to talk to s total stranger like this.

Not yet Read The Full Thread, but OP I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You are right, you will not be a Nan. I think what your DH is doing is rather insensitive to (his ex) SD's mother, who WILL be the Nan. I think it's quite disrespectful of him to forget SD has a mother who will be the Nan. You are right, and DH is being disrespectful almost trying to airbrush his daughter's mother out of the equation.

@Timekeeper1

Not yet Read The Full Thread, but OP I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You are right, you will not be a Nan. I think what your DH is doing is rather insensitive to (his ex) SD's mother, who WILL be the Nan. I think it's quite disrespectful of him to forget SD has a mother who will be the Nan. You are right, and DH is being disrespectful almost trying to airbrush his daughter's mother out of the equation.

Well not necessarily. It depends on what the child's parents want really doesn't it? What if they want her to be a grandparent?

My DH (72) has two grandchildren aged 6 and 4. They have a full complement of grandparents and they don't need me as a step granny. I have my own teenager from a previous relationship. To his grandkids I am known by my first name and my husband is known as Grandad XX. His ex wife is known as Granny and her wife is known by her first name. I always say the grandkids are my husband's and he's never taken offence. Perhaps your DH doesn't feel you're getting on board with the grandkids project... perhaps suggest what you can buy for the new arrival and show you're looking forward to the baby. I guess he's feeling frightened I mean he is only 52 ! (Im 57)

@notanan Regardless of what you end up neing called you are technically going to be a grandparent of sorts. Ot's probably daunting because it's not your daughter and it sounds to me like you're worried that you'll tread on your SD's Mum's toes if you take the same title. However, you will still be a Nan of sorts and I think when you meet that baby you'll let it call you anything! Fifi is cute, going to see Grandad and Fifi for the day - lovely.

Don't snap at people and say "I'm not going to be a Nan" it sounds like you don't want the child to exist - which clearly isn't the issue here.

When baby comes and yoi give them a pressie and a card, sign it from the name you want to be called - a pet name is easier though because baby will say your name best they can but it won't be perfect for a few years.

My Husband's Dad didn't want to be Grandpa really he was a bit nervous of the whole thing I think. Our DD calls him 'Papa' which she finds easy to say. Some people call their Dad's Papa, but it works for DD and she calls my DH 'Daddy' so, just do what works for you.

But you're being a little unreasonable being so negative - I think I get why, but it comes across way more negative then you're intending it to - to a point I feel the your DH is interpreting it as you not wanting to be a grandparent at all, which can only be hurtful. X

My mum was a grandmother at 44, it's not uncommon for people to become grandmothers in their 40s.

I think it's a shame you are letting your age vanity get in the way of your relationship with your DH's family, it should be a great honour to be invited in to be an honorary grandparent like that. Are you the type of step mother that expects everyone to centre around you and what you want?

When you marry someone with children you surely accept them as your own children. Therefore when they have children they become your grandchildren.
I find your attitude very strange and if I was your husband I would be very very hurt by this

My step dad was in his 40s when I had my first, has always grandad to my kids, and he was absolutely delighted by it! And my kids were never overly confused by the fact they had three grandads. Similarly I have called his mum granny since very early on in his relationship with my mum (I was a teenager when they met and he had several teen nieces and nephews that I was friends with if anybody needs context). I really do think you're splitting hairs, it's a name for a child to call you. Pick a different one than nan or nanny or nana if you want, but it seems harsh to continually point out that this child is not your "real" grandchild.

Out of interest, if your DH was widowed and their "real" nan wasn't still around would you feel different? I haven't RTFT yet so apologies if that has been answered, I'm about to go back and wade through all 19 pages.

I think a lot of posters are being a bit unfair. If notanan came on here saying that she WANTED to be known as nana by her SD’s new baby she would be shot down and told she had no right to expect that when her SD already has a mum and stepmothers have no rights 🙄
@notanan it might be worth having a quiet word with your SD and just explain that while you are looking forward to being a big part of baby’s life, you know he or she already has a full set of grandparents and you would prefer to be known by your own name.

Well you probably should have factored that in when you got with someone with much older kids!!!! It was always a possibility.

How would you feel if they completely left you out and just referred to you as ‘Sarah’? Or whatever your first name is? Some people would Feel left out over that.

Is your DH ex around? If so she’ll be nana so you could say that you’d feel more comfortable being called your own name if it bothers you that much

When you marry someone with children you surely accept them as your own children

By that reasoning, the children should call her 'mum'. Mumsnet would explode in a ball of righteous fury if a stepmother said she wanted to be "mum".

Why is the onus always on the step mum to be (or not be) whatever the husband/kids/ex wife want? Why does no one ever say to the husband that he married a younger woman, who is at a different life stage and to see it from her pov. Why does she have to adapt to his stage?
She is too young to be a nan since her children are 10 and 8.
What's important is that she is nice to her step children and their babies, that she views them as part of her family - she's under no obligation to think of them as literally the same as her own children.
Maybe men who bark on second families ought to be the ones giving it more thought and adapting their own attitudes.
If OP's husband was mine, he'd be under the patio by now. Being 'nan' is something that belongs to his ex wife and I agree with pp that he's trying to airbrush history and pretend like the kids don't actually have their own mother.

Well you probably should have factored that in when you got with someone with much older kids!!!! It was always a possibility

Why would the possibility of your future partner wanting you to be Nan to his grandchildren factor into a major decision like that? Can you imagine anyone refusing to marry someone they loved in case this might happen?

How would you feel if they completely left you out and just referred to you as ‘Sarah’? Or whatever your first name is? Some people would Feel left out over that.

OP has said that is what she wants, so I imagine she'd be delighted.

@ArgumentativeAardvaark

We, *@ShowOfHands* my ivf baby is most definitely related to me! Do you mean that the parents used donor eggs and/or sperm?

@ArgumentativeAardvark Obviously I didn't mean to imply that SIL's route to motherhood via ivf was the only way it could work! But, no, my nephews are not biologically related to me, DH or SIL.

embark, not bark ffs

What a pile on! This is when MN gets a bit ridiculous to me. I can't see the OP has been nasty or vile or mean. She has a different take on it to some and we're not even sure what the key person - the SD - thinks about this yet. There isn't one size fits all for family life.

What if the child calls our Nan (or some variation) off its own back? I never really knew what to refer to my SM as so I just didn't refer to her as anything. My DS started referring to her as Nana all on his own. She was delighted!

I'm with you OP. You're not their nan and your Husband needs to grow up.
The double standards of MN strikes again. If you had posted that your DH was insisting that your SC call you "mum" there would be outrage "how dare he!! You're not, and never will their mum, they have a mum and it's not you!!!" Yet here we are "of course you have to be called nan you're married to their dad so they are part of your life so treat them the same as your own!!!"

You're a step parent OP and this is MN...the 2 don't mix well.

My Husband's Dad didn't want to be Grandpa really he was a bit nervous of the whole thing I think. Our DD calls him 'Papa' which she finds easy to say. Some people call their Dad's Papa, but it works for DD and she calls my DH 'Daddy' so, just do what works for you.
@mamamemmmer “Papa” is a very very common name for Grandfathers in Scotland. Both of mine were Papa, I’d guess that probably 30-50% of families use that name as standard.

Conversely, I had heard “nana” growing up but I had no idea that kids in the U.K. ever called their Grannies “Nanny”- I remember being in an English card shop once as a young teen and seeing all these cards “to Nanny” and thinking how posh the locals must all be to have Nannies employed to look after them 😂

Your post is very sad, I was delighted when my SS referred to me in front of his children as Nan, I think you have a problem with the connotation that if you are referred to as Nan you must be elderly.