Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to drive

165 replies

Londonermummy · 14/06/2020 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

OP posts:
SquidwardTennisballs · 14/06/2020 21:16

I can understand the frustration but before you badger him about learning to drive I think you need to look at your ability to drive if you make “careless mistakes” and have “bad eyesight”

Maybe you should consider lessons or perhaps glasses Hmm

2pinkginsplease · 14/06/2020 21:16

IF he doesn’t want to learn to drive then that’s his prerogative, he shouldn’t be pressured into doing something he doesn’t want to. Same as you, if you don’t want to drive a van then don’t do it. You should work on your own driving and build up your confidence.

I never learned to drive at 17 and took me till I was 26 when i had a toddler and was pregnant with my second child to learn to drive. However that as my choice, before that dh used to drive everywhere.

isabellerossignol · 14/06/2020 21:16

When we first got together my now husband couldn't drive. After a while I got fed up with driving us everywhere and I realised that I couldn't continue to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't pulling their weight. He did learn, and never looked back. It would have been completely different if he was unable to for health reasons, but when it was just because he couldn't be bothered, and knew that it meant he could always have a drink if we went out somehwere and I would have to drive home, it became a dealbreaker for me.

Chickychoccyegg · 14/06/2020 21:17

well he certainly shouldn't be pressuring you into driving when you're not comfortable, or when you don't want to thats out of order, but if he doesn't want to learn to drive then he doesn't have to, you can't make him learn if he doesn't want to , and that doesn't make him a child

pinktaxi · 14/06/2020 21:19

He shouldn't be pressurised, but equally you are not his taxi service. If he want to go somewhere and needs a lift, then tell him to learn to drive. He's getting his cake and eating it currently

Leaannb · 14/06/2020 21:26

Stop driving him anywhere. Make him take responsibility for where he wants to go and what he wants to do

OceanOrchid · 14/06/2020 21:44

If you are careless and have bad eyesight you shouldn’t be driving! Every time you get behind a wheel you are in charge of a potentially lethal machine. Get your eyes tested, then take a driving course yourself.

MitziK · 14/06/2020 21:46

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight)

Stop bitching about him and get your fucking eyesight sorted out before you get behind the wheel again.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 14/06/2020 21:47

Christ.

You’re an absolute idiot if you let your useless partner peer pressure you into driving when you’re a bad driver. You regularly make careless mistakes and have bad eyesight? You shouldn’t be driving. You could kill someone.

& yes, this is a valid reason to leave him.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/06/2020 21:48

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

Glad I'm not the only one to find this somewhat alarming. I think that, if you were a fully confident and competent driver, I'd understand a little more your frustration at somebody who was too anxious to make that break and start learning what, to you, might seem like an everyday simple task; but as it is, it sounds like you're almost as anxious as he is yourself - it's just that he's one side of the 'too anxious to drive' line and you just scrape in on the other side.

annabel85 · 14/06/2020 21:49

What's the problem? Less cars on the road the better.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/06/2020 21:52

you are not his taxi service. If he want to go somewhere and needs a lift, then tell him to learn to drive. He's getting his cake and eating it currently

Maybe, but not necessarily. Marriage/LTR is about give and take. If one person is expected to do everything whilst the other does nothing (assuming no serious disabilities or other factors rendering them unable to), the relationship isn't going to last - at least not happily; but we don't know whether or not he does lots of other things for them both that she hates or finds difficult.

LizB62A · 14/06/2020 21:52

Tell him it's setting a bad example for your child, to see one parent doing all the driving and the other always being driven around.

Moominmammaatsea · 14/06/2020 21:56

And here I am thinking that Dominic Cummings was the only idiot in the country to admit to driving with vision difficulties. Now there’s another lunatic for me to be avoiding on the roads when I’m driving my children around.

GabriellaMontez · 14/06/2020 21:57

Yanbu to leave him over this of you cant agree to a plan for the future.

Yabu to drive with poor eyesight.

Dont let him pressure you to do a single journey you dont want to. If he diesnt like it he knows what to do.

backseatcookers · 14/06/2020 21:59

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight)

Really fucking irritating hearing stuff like this now I'm disabled including epilepsy due to brain trauma from a car accident.

Your carelessness could take away someone's health or life, or that of you and your loved ones.

Reassess your priorities and stop putting other people at risk.

Ironically while I'm not allowed to drive anymore now due to my epilepsy (that was caused by someone else's carelessness when driving) they're probably back on the roads.

Grow up. Care more. Don't drive if you can't drive safely.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/06/2020 22:00

Incidentally, driving a van shouldn't be something that a competent driver would flee from. Yes, it's slightly daunting the first time, and you don't go haring straight off, but if a car driver is too terrified to ever contemplate doing it, I would question how fit they are to be on the roads full-stop.

A Transit/VW Transporter-size van is barely any bigger in terms of road footprint than a family estate car - it's just squared off at the sides and higher (which actually gives you a much better view of the road). Nobody's asking you to go from your Fiesta straight into an articulated 44-tonner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2020 22:01

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

Is this a joke? You have bad eyesight, make careless mistakes and drive a toddler around while doing so?

YABU to be on the roads if you’re not safe.
YABU to expect him to drive if he really doesn’t want to. Two reluctant drivers seems more dangerous than one.
YABU to things you don’t feel comfortable doing because he bullies you.
YABU to stay with a man child, irrespective of his lack of a licence. It’ll drive you bitter and angry and it’s a bad example to set to your child.

Blimey. There’s a lot of unreasonableness here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2020 22:03

Tell him it's setting a bad example for your child, to see one parent doing all the driving and the other always being driven around.

The fuck?

2bazookas · 14/06/2020 22:03

are you sure he hasn't been banned from driving for DUI, lost his license and knows he won't get insurance?

Giespeace · 14/06/2020 22:04

The phrase “why have a dog and bark yourself” springs to mind.
My DH has a licence but just refuses to drive. I’ve come to accept this. The pay off is that I don’t cook.
Any similar deal you could come to so that you don’t feel like he’s taking the piss?

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 14/06/2020 22:05

If he doesn't want to drive, he doesn't want to drive. Do not pressure him or attempt to bully him.

Equally, he shouldn't be pressuring you to do things like drive a van when you're not comfortable. You both have your boundaries and what you're comfortable and not comfortable with.

If I was him, I would use public transport, especially as you live in London. He shouldn't be taking advantage of you as a taxi service. But then again, if I was you, I couldn't help but pick him up and drive him around sometimes, on nights out for example, to make sure he's safe.

Original poster
Londonermummy · 14/06/2020 22:05

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/06/2020 22:06

Stop driving him everywhere! My now DH didn’t drive when we first moved in together, we both took the Tube to work but he learnt ASAP, because there was no way I was going to (or he wanted me to) do all the driving to visit our respective parents (4 and 5 hours away from us).

Cherrysoup · 14/06/2020 22:07

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Then tbh, I’m not sure you should be driving.

Swipe left for the next trending thread