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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect partner to drive

165 replies

Londonermummy · 14/06/2020 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

OP posts:

Muppetry76 · 14/06/2020 23:13

Holy fuck op

I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

You are a danger behind the wheel. You need to stop driving if your ability to drive is ever compromised, especially as by your own admission you have blurry vision and poor coordination. YABVVVVVU. If I knew you irl I would report you to the dvla tomorrow morning.

theyoungandtherestless · 14/06/2020 23:16

Stop driving now and get a bus timetable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2020 23:19

I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Do you really think you should still be driving? Because I don't. I think you should be informing the DVLA of your issues.

www.gov.uk/driving-medical-conditions

FairyDogMother11 · 14/06/2020 23:20

Honestly I was originally going to comment about my DH not driving (he has an awful phobia and yes, has tried to deal with it, I have no issue with it as I love driving and the car is mine but each to their own) however I'm now here with absolute shock that someone would drive around knowing they're a danger to others.

I have a restricted license due to a notifiable condition and I have to jump through hoops every three years to renew - well not jump through hoops per se, but ensure my condition is well controlled. I paid a lot more my first year of insurance than my same aged friend with his almost identical car, too.
I could be a danger if I drove knowing my blood sugars were high or low, so I never would, ever. I could never forgive myself if I caused someone else to be injured or to die through something I could have prevented and I assumed that was normal!

Starbuggy · 14/06/2020 23:21

YABVVVVVU for driving when your vision is blurred and you make lots of careless mistakes. You’re going to end up killing someone.

You need to stop driving immediately before you start worrying about other people’s driving.

isabellerossignol · 14/06/2020 23:29

Some people are bizarre to me. "Realised my DP wasn't pulling his weight by not driving"... ok... so does that mean both partners should mirror each other in every activity that comprises a relationship?

Or does it mean that actually "pulling ones weight" is specific to driving and that a lot of MNers expect a man to drive?

It was me who said that my husband wasn't pulling his weight by not driving. It wasn't specific to being a man, if I were in a relationship with a woman I'd expect her to drive as well. We live in an area where even in the bigger towns there is next to no public transport. And none in the evenings. We were in our early 20s and socialised with other couples. If we wanted to go to the cinema, a restaurant or a pub it was an hour away and we car shared. We had a rota where each person took their turn. But I had to do his turn as well because he couldn't drive. He never had to be the designated driver on a night out, and I had to take two turns for everyone else's one turn, to compensate for him. I had to give him a lift to the station in the morning to get his train to work, then take myself to work, then come back and pick him up in the evening. I looked ahead and thought that I couldn't face the rest of my life with him if it involved being his chauffeur just because he couldn't be arsed to learn to drive.

isabellerossignol · 14/06/2020 23:32

I also wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't drive but expected me to be their chauffeur. I've been there and done that and won't make that mistake again.

Talksense · 14/06/2020 23:38

The irony in this post.

You don’t like driving and make careless mistakes and don’t like been pressured into driving but you’re pressuring your partner into driving.

I would have more sympathy if you posted that you hated having to be taxi driver to your partner constantly dropping him off at A/B/C and having to ferry the kids around but not because you admit being a nervous driver/not being able to see.

Get an eye test, maybe some more lessons and then get out of your comfort zone by driving on long trips to raise your confidence.

I don’t understand why only one partner drives (usually the man) when the family have enough money for the other to take lessons as relying on someone to get to hospital/school drop offs/day trips/extra-curricular activities/emergencies/going to see family (presuming that they don’t live in a city with good public transport).

fussychica · 14/06/2020 23:40

Well it sounds like you shouldn't be driving and he shouldn't be pressurizing you to do so. However, If he doesn't want to or hasn't got the confidence to learn to drive that's up to him. Living in London means the ability to drive is preferable rather than essential.

BayandBlonde · 14/06/2020 23:40

Him not driving is the least of your problems . Currently he isn't breaking any Laws, but you have the audacity to bitch about his reluctance to drive when it is you that is the liability! For christ sake if you can't consider others at least think about the safety of your child!

Is a car really necessary, are you out in the sticks with no public transport?

twentythreefourty · 14/06/2020 23:49

Mollycoddled boy that has gotten so comfortable from mummy being a doormat that he expects every person he meets in life to serve him the same. If you honestly see that he has no ambition or want to try 1% to better himself now he's got a child I'd breakup.

SerenDippitty · 14/06/2020 23:54

I thought it was against the law to drive if your eyesight does not come up to an accepted standard. You really should not drive until you can get your eyes tested. You could kill someone.

UnderCaffeinated · 15/06/2020 00:03

I think it's pretty essential at this point that your partner learn to drive if you need to have and use a car, because it definitely sounds as if you should not be.

Everyone has made the odd mistake when driving, no doubt about that. However it's ridiculously stupid for you to continue driving when you will freely state you have poor eyesight or blurry vision and make careless mistakes. You're not just endangering yourself and any passengers but other road users and pedestrians and that is very selfish of you. I understand it may be easier to drive than use public transport but you must be in a safe state to do so and it doesn't sound like you are. I think your insurers may also find this to be an issue should you have an accident.

peaches1991 · 15/06/2020 00:16

YANBU - I can't stand people who refuse to drive but like to have others drive them around. Two members of my family are like this, one will only drive short distances in her hometown and will get her children/husband to drive her anywhere further, the other has a licence and had a company car but gave it back and has others drive her around

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2020 00:20

I think it's pretty essential at this point that your partner learn to drive if you need to have and use a car, because it definitely sounds as if you should not be.

Absolutely this. He needs to understand quick smart that he either needs to learn to drive or you'll be a car-less household for the foreseeable long term. It's one thing to expect somebody to carry you when they are physically able to do so (however unfair they might feel it is to have to), but if he understands about your health conditions, he really cannot be expecting you to do the driving.

If I were you, I'd underline to him that you have been advised to surrender your licence on health grounds (no need to say the advice comes from MN - see your GP or call the DVLA to confirm if you really need to) and then tell him you're going to put your car up for sale.

If he accepts this, then go ahead and do it and you both manage without a car - and you no longer represent a danger to others and yourself and no longer feel aggrieved and anxious about having to drive. You might feel like it's a massive burden lifted from you.

If he says that he will learn to drive, stress how expensive it is to run a car and a tremendous waste if the car is not used and badger encourage him to book lessons. If he doesn't, tell him that, after 2 months of no action (COVID-allowing), the car is going up for sale - and do it.

You'd still be saving a fortune and have lots more money spare to spend on taxis when you really need them. It might be that he's willing to do without a car, but was nevertheless happy to make use of the situation whilst you had one there at hand.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 15/06/2020 00:26

OP your an accident waiting to happen i hope you are not on the roads near me.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2020 00:26

I thought it was against the law to drive if your eyesight does not come up to an accepted standard.

Indeed it is. It's shocking how many people don't notify the DVLA, though. I know somebody who told me she hasn't had her eyes tested for over 30 years, because "I can still see fine". I have no doubts that her eyes are still adequate, but how can she possibly know that her eyesight hasn't deteriorated at all in three decades? How many people are in her position but do know very well that their eyesight IS now very poor, but yet actively choose to ignore it to keep their licence? I can't understand how anybody would want to potentially go through life with adequate eyesight when, for the cost of an eye test every two or three years and a pair of basic glasses if needed, they could enjoy life with superb eyesight.

squeekums · 15/06/2020 00:37

I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight)

You shouldnt drive either.
I dont drive due to anxiety. I would not be safe on the road for myself or OTHERS
A license is NOT a right, its a privilege and your abusing that.

BUT he also shouldnt expect a lift everywhere, whenever he wants. He has made a valid choice but it does come with consequences.
Even now, i still choose to walk over asking DP to drive me. He offers every time cos he dont understand how i like walking but i never ask as my first point of call.

Only you can say if its worth leaving over. I dont think it is but he needs to stop seeing you as taxi, not only cos it isnt fair on you but you shouldnt be driving either

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/06/2020 00:41

You're pressuring him, and it sounds to me like you want him to drive because you don't want to.
It's time you sorted yourself and driving out first.

HisNibs · 15/06/2020 00:48

YANBU regarding him learning to drive. However YABVVU driving with defective eyesight and excusing careless mistakes for that reason. Stop driving immediately. What gives you the right to put everyone else at risk?

CherrySpritz · 15/06/2020 01:19

@Londonermummy

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Have you informed the DVLA of this?

DilemmaDame · 15/06/2020 02:45

It's a deal breaker for me, I'd never date an adult that can't drive. Think of all the holiday options that are closed off to you unless you're prepared to taxi them around Nope.

Agree with everyone above that you should say you don't want to drive until you sort out your health issues and feel safer on the road.

spaghettios · 15/06/2020 03:21

It is absolutely terrifying that there are people like you on the roads.

GinDaddyRedux · 15/06/2020 05:08

@DilemmaDame

It's strange to me the things people fixate on though. "Taxi him around all holiday" - it's just a weird way to perceive it because maybe he (the person you'd be dating in this scenario) could step up in a whole manner of other ways in your relationship.

I've been driving for years now, but before that I didn't. I dated a fair few women who didn't give a monkeys about the non-driving thing, and yep we went on holiday too. They just were open enough to see that there were other areas in which I could help out the team, and it wasn't just about sharing driving or whatever. Now that I drive, my DW hasn't said a thing about "it was tedious ferrying you around" etc.

It's just sad to me that this particular "skill" is so fixated on at times on here; men who don't drive are almost treated as emasculated eunuchs by some!

PhilCornwall1 · 15/06/2020 05:33

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

With all due respect, should you even be driving? Have you notified the DVLA? Because if you haven't, you should have:

If you have a driving licence, you have to tell the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) that you have been diagnosed with MS.They will assess your fitness to drive using the information you provide, and they may ask you to have a medical examination or a driving assessment.

I'd be concerned your insurance was invalid at this point.

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