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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to drive

165 replies

Londonermummy · 14/06/2020 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

OP posts:
istheresomethingishouldknow · 14/06/2020 22:11

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Does your GP know this? Does he know how it's affecting your driving? Because it certainly sounds like you shouldn't be driving. You're a danger to others!

Your DP is unreasonable as well for dumping it all on you and pressuring you to drive when you're not comfortable doing so.

vanillandhoney · 14/06/2020 22:13

I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be driving at all OP Hmm

Careless mistakes, bad eyesight and blurred vision and you think it's acceptable to get behind the wheel of a car and drive?

Are you taking the piss?

backseatcookers · 14/06/2020 22:13

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Then you are not safely driving. You should not be driving if you cannot do so safely.

You have a child in the car with you much of the time. Other people are impacted by your inability to drive safely - you say you make frequent driving errors.

That isn't ok! Why do you think it's ok?

legalseagull · 14/06/2020 22:17

Have you tried driving to Durham castle to test your eyesore OP?

It sounds like you shouldn't be driving and should speak to your GP to get their opinion on that! He'd soon learn if you couldn't drive him everywhere the lazy sod

C152H · 14/06/2020 22:17

I can imagine it is frustrating being the sole driver, especially if there are times when you are not a confident driver. However, he couldn't drive when you met him, so it's not as if this a new development. And even though he said he would learn (which he shouldn't have, if he had no intention of doing so), it can be frightening to try to learn this type of skill as an adult. Perhaps have a chat to see whether he does plan to learn, or his reasons have been delaying tactics, as he's hoping you'll forget about it?

If your DP doesn't want to/can't learn to drive, and you aren't confident / safe driving, then perhaps consider whether you really need a car at all? Do you live in a place with regular public transport? Is it cheaper to just higher a cab / van for the times you need it rather than pay for petrol, insurance, MOTs etc on your own car?

MitziK · 14/06/2020 22:18

@Londonermummy

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses
Then you need to surrender your licence permanently.

Because you are breaking the law every moment you are behind that wheel - and when your luck runs out and you kill some innocent because you can't fucking see, it will be entirely your fault.

'You must tell DVLA if you have a driving licence and:

you develop a ‘notifiable’ medical condition or disability

a condition or disability has got worse since you got your licence'

Pigeonfaces · 14/06/2020 22:19

Please don't carry on driving like this. You could take someone's life, destroy a family, cause terrible misery and suffering and loss. Blurry eyesight is not acceptable when driving. And to carry on when you know your sight is impaired is morally wrong.
Think how you love your own child - are you prepared to kill someone else's child on the road, due to your bad sight?
Obviously your partner should learn to drive & is being lazy & selfish. But the really frightening thing here is what you say about your own driving.

FlamedToACrisp · 14/06/2020 22:19

I remember when I learned to drive - I considered doing a course in car maintenance. Then I thought, "And after that, who would be the one peering under the bonnet on a rainy roadside trying to fix it every time there's a problem?" So I joined the AA instead.

Unfortunately, your DP has no incentive to learn to drive. Because if he can't drive, other people will drive him around.

In your position I would get my sight checked, and then (assuming it's safe to drive really) every so often, say "My sight's too blurry to drive today. We'll have to get a taxi/go by bus/cancel the trip. It'll be such a relief once you're driving."

Rosebel · 14/06/2020 22:21

This has to be a wind up. No one drives their toddler round if they regularly have blurry vision. Why would you?
If it's genuine really hope not then stop driving. Now. Either your partner learns or you walk/cycle /get the bus everywhere. You can't drive if you can't see.
I think my eyesight is okay but I'm overdue an eye test and I won't drive until I get my eye test. Surely that's the responsible thing to do.

TerrorWig · 14/06/2020 22:22

Wow. I...don't think you should be driving OP, and quite frankly I'm astonished that either of you accept you driving your toddler about.

FWIW, I'm a driver and DH is not. He also has grown up in cities and never felt the need to learn - it's really not a priority now either as we still live in a city. But I'm a good driver with no medical issues so the situation is different.

MostlyHappyMummy · 14/06/2020 22:24

His choice whether he learns to drive or not. But you shouldn’t have to drive him anywhere unless you’re going anyway, either.
Maybe time to put your foot down and stop letting him treat you like a taxi driver.
His response to you refusing to ferry him around should inform any future decisions about whether or not to leave

Moominmammaatsea · 14/06/2020 22:25

@Londonermummy, I write as the parent of a preteen who has recently - and very suddenly and unexpectedly - lost the majority of her sight. I hope I will not be considered as disablist in writing that if my 12-year-old already understands that she will never be able to drive, then you really ought to be taking more responsibility and being more accountable for the potentially disastrous effects of your poor decision making. It may not just be your own child you kill the next time you have an episode of sight loss behind the wheel, it could also be someone else’s.

Bluetonic41 · 14/06/2020 22:28

Is this a joke? Or a troll? Of course you shouldnt be fucking driving! You need to stop now before you kill someone. Absolutely disgusted that you are still driving. If this is true then shame on your family & friends for not reporting you AngryAngryAngry

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 14/06/2020 22:37

Why are you relying on your partner to learn to drive. You need practice to become more confident, you also need to go and get your eyesight checked because you can't afford to be making careless mistake while driving. You could drive a van of you tried.

Bluetonic41 · 14/06/2020 22:39

The OP has openly admitted she suffers with blurred vision! She should NOT be driving, why are people still commenting on how to manage the DH situation??!!

CandyLeBonBon · 14/06/2020 22:47

Are you Dominic Cummings?

Osirus · 14/06/2020 22:57

@Londonermummy

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses
Do the DVLA know? It sounds like you really should not be driving.
tenlittlecygnets · 14/06/2020 22:59

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

Wtf? You sound just as irresponsible as he does.

If you can't drive safely and need an eye test, ffs get one.
If you're careless anyway, ffs take an extended driving test.

I'd hate to be on the road with you, or to have my dc on the road with you being careless and myopic...

But yes your DJ sounds like a lazy fuckwit. If you've had lots of issues with him not doing things, I'd issue an ultimatum. He's meant to be an adult - he can drive.

Especially if you're dangerous and have poor eyesight...

user1471447863 · 14/06/2020 23:06

Hes an adult now, he has responsibilities and a family, he needs to grow up and do things he might not necessarily want to.
Stop being his taxi, don't be the one to go to the shops when things are needed, make him do his share.
Just not wanting to and expecting to be taken places is hugely different from being medically prevented from driving. Not acting to resolve it would be a deal breaker

NotIncandescentWithRage · 14/06/2020 23:07

I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight)

You’re taking the piss, right??

GinDaddyRedux · 14/06/2020 23:07

Some people are bizarre to me. "Realised my DP wasn't pulling his weight by not driving"... ok... so does that mean both partners should mirror each other in every activity that comprises a relationship?

Or does it mean that actually "pulling ones weight" is specific to driving and that a lot of MNers expect a man to drive?

Before I get flamed? I drive. But I didn't always. And I know my DW was fully aware that I would do one day. Funnily enough I contributed other major things which meant it wasn't unfairly "weighed up" that I somehow was not contributing

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/06/2020 23:07

My Mum suffered life changing injuries at the age of 23 because some idiot was driving when they shouldn't have been. OP, you really shouldn't be driving if you can't see properly.

backseatcookers · 14/06/2020 23:08

Just not wanting to and expecting to be taken places is hugely different from being medically prevented from driving. Not acting to resolve it would be a deal breaker

Based on Op's information she should be medically prevented from driving. And morally prevented tbh. Disgraceful.

If a partner insisted on driving (I know that isn't the case at all here as she even has the gall to say despite not being able to safely drive - and making the choice to put people at risk - she resents doing so!) I would split up with them due to their lack of responsibility.

tenlittlecygnets · 14/06/2020 23:10

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

Well, you should contact the DVLA and surrender your licence. You've been unbelievably selfish, continuing to drive, knowing you have ms.

You could kill another child.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 14/06/2020 23:13

I understand you can’t help your eyesight but what kind of moron gets behind the wheel admitting to making lots of ‘careless’ mistakes?!??
You are a DANGER to your child and everyone else, behind the wheel. Hand your licence in.