To expect partner to drive

[Londonermummy]

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

If family life involves driving then he should learn to drive, hes not a single man living in the city anymore, if course he should learn to drive

I think that OP openly admitting she can’t see very well isn’t advisable on Mumsnet and part of me hopes this isn’t real.
And on another matter - @theonlywayisapple I think you’re missing the point, this isn’t about the odd lift or family stuff (if it’s real).

Do people realise it’s not compulsory to drive? Infact in a lot of cases people accepting they aren’t a driver is much better than pushing on because it’s the done thing.

There are many reasons why people don’t drive or why they stop driving. It doesn’t make them a bad person or mean they don’t care about their family.

Yanbu I’m wanting him to drive but YABU I’m not being a confident driver. If you have bad eyesight and make silly mistakes and are nervous in the road you perhaps should take an additional driving course as it’s not safe for you or other road users. I mean that kindly OP.

Stop driving, you're not fit to do so anyway. Then if he cares about having a car he'll have to learn. Or maybe he won't - neither DH nor I drive and we get around just fine. It's really not essential unless you live in an isolated rural area.

I already wear glasses. I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

I wouldn't jump immediately to leaving him over this, but I'd put a lot of pressure on him to learn soon. Even to the point of nagging.

If you're not a safe driver, focus on that as a reason why he must find the time to learn now. Refuse to drive, whenever possible. You don't feel safe driving, you're too tired to drive today, etc.

If you make it enough of a pain for him, he'll be motivated to learn.

Sirzy, non drivers seem happy to accept lifts though

And drivers are quite able to say “no” if they don’t want to give a lift. That isn’t compulsory either. Many non drivers I know are more than happy to make their own way to places

I'd say the MS is a good reason why your partner should be learning to drive because I assume your condition will deteriorate over time and prevent you from driving altogether.

In the meantime it's obligatory to inform DVLA if you have MS and they can arrange for you to have an assessment to determine if you're safe to drive.

I sort of see both sides of this. I do not drive, but (until lockdown!) I have never needed too. We live on the outskirts of London and public transport links are great. I prefer online shopping to actually going to the supermarket and think public transport is better for the environment. DP does drive, and whilst we would never have bought a car, we were given one, which was great. It is useful but not necessary and I would never ever pressure him to drive me anywhere. When using the car is an option I will always give him other options first.

So in my opinion, YABU for wanting your partner to drive, but YANBU for wanting him to stop expecting you to drive him round.

To all the bitters who say "non drivers are perfectly happy to accept lifts though"...

Should my mates have got me to set up a standing order to take into account every time they gave me a lift when I didn't drive in my 20s?

Or perhaps they knew I bought more drinks when out to say thank you, helped one set up his website,etc etc?

There's so much more in terms of relationship transactions than driving.

I think people who moan about giving lifts on here do it because it's one of the few areas in their life where they can identify transaction going on in their friendship/relationship, and so they use it as a power chip etc. So sad. Why not look at all the good things someone brings into your life instead?

The sentence "careless mistakes" implies you can't be bothered to try to drive properly.

Poor coordination and blurry vision makes you a liability.

Sounds like YOU are the one who should be concentrating on some driving lessons.

You make "careless mistakes" with your 2-year old in the car? Yikes.

You need to sort your own driving out, before you badger him any more.

Driving is an important life skill, especially if you have kids. There are fair reasons why someone wouldn't have learned, but if you have a family and your partner has MS, those reasons had better be bloody good and it doesn't sound as though his are.

I'd be frustrated too, OP. And quite angry. It's not fair to deliberately burden one person with all the driving for no fair reason.

You appear a bit touchy about your non driving time gin daddy. Not everything is about money or superiority. You could be projecting there.

I am more than happy to give lifts to friends and family and I don't have a spreadsheet where I record transactions and expect that every favour is accounted for But my experience many years back of being friends with non drivers was not positive. They would come up with ideas of days out, nights out, and expect collected from their front door and dropped back there. I had one friend who used to ask me to pick her up and she lived 30 miles away from me, and was incredibly offended when told that it wasn't convenient. I have never, in almost 30 years of driving, had a non driver offer to contribute to the cost of petrol or to pay for my cinema ticket or part of my dinner or whatever. And when I have suggested splitting costs I've been accused of trying to profit and told I was going anyway so why should they. Obviously after being taken for a mug, I stopped doing it and I am no longer friends with any of these people.

If I am going somewhere and I offer a lift to a non driver, I'm not keeping a tally, it is a genuine offer. But that's very different from a non driver arranging all sorts of socialising and just expecting me to pick up the expense and inconvenience of driving them there. No matter how much fun they are to have a chat with, that's not enhancing my life to the extent that I'm effectively willing to pay for their company.

Or perhaps they knew I bought more drinks when out to say thank you

That's not much use to the person driving, since they can't drink the drinks. When people are on soft drinks they tend to stop at one.

OP, you need to develop a car free lifestyle.

Many families manage without a car or being able to drive.

You knew your DH didn’t drive, you could never have guaranteed that he would pass and plenty of people just do not want to.

But he needs to be honest and straightforward with you if that is the case.

However, if driving is a symptom of other dissatisfactions, look at the cause, not this symptom.

But to LTB just because he doesn’t drive has no logic. As a single mum you still won’t have another driver in the family

@ShebaShimmyShake

Driving is an important life skill, especially if you have kids. There are fair reasons why someone wouldn't have learned, but if you have a family and your partner has MS, those reasons had better be bloody good and it doesn't sound as though his are.

I'd be frustrated too, OP. And quite angry. It's not fair to deliberately burden one person with all the driving for no fair reason.

This 100%

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel as this was what it was like with my ex, although we didn't have kids. He'd expect me to go to work 3 hours early so I could take him to work too!

He was so stubborn and refused to learn to drive. Funnily enough after we broke up (not because of the driving) he ended up having lessons! He was due to do his test the week lockdown was announced so hasn't done it yet!

Perhaps you could just try and get better at saying no to him when he asks for lifts places? Only drive where you want or need to go. If he asks for a favour just say you can't do it or don't want to. Be firm with him that you are not going to drive him everywhere anymore and he'll have to start using public transport.
If he doesn't like or want to do that then he will have to learn to drive.

My husband hates driving and gets claustrophobic when he does. He's driven me to hospital when I was in labour after months of refresher lessons. That's it. Is it annoying? Yes. I let it go because he's great otherwise and I knew it was the case when I met him. But he isn't allowed to dictate how what or where I drive and if he complains he's reminded about the bus (but he doesn't!).

Although having read in more detail (sorry blurred vision). You have a medical condition which affects your vision ... you need a DVLA assessment and in the meantime shouldn't be driving.

Alternatively Barnard Castle is open.

DH has never been behind the wheel of a car and it doesn’t bother me at all. I drive, I pay for my car and I prefer to be the one driving so I’m in control. If your DP doesn’t want to drive, you can’t force him.

More pressing though, is your horrifying disregard for your safety, the safety of your family and everyone else you endanger when you get in a car. If your MS is affecting your eyesight you shouldn’t be anywhere bloody near a car.

I don't see why you're mad at him for not wanting to drive when you only want him to learn do you don't have to.

If you make lots of mistakes you need to get more lessons yourself.