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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect partner to drive

165 replies

Londonermummy · 14/06/2020 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

OP posts:

SoloMummy · 15/06/2020 16:59

I think that yabu to expect him to drive, in the same way he's unreasonable to expect you to drive when uncomfortable. The fact you feel that way should make you more aware of his probable feelings towards driving.

He wasn't driving when you met. By all accounts only agreed he would because you have put a lot of pressure on him.

Being in a relationship means you work to your strengths. You can drive so drive for the family.

However, if you're blaming eye sight for your poor driving and concentration, then you shouldn't be driving at all and should report this to dvla to decide whether you're fit to drive. Don't use your driving incompetence as an excuse why he should take over!

iklboo · 15/06/2020 17:09

Tell him it's setting a bad example for your child, to see one parent doing all the driving and the other always being driven around.

I must be a terrible mother then. I can't drive for medical reasons but maybe I should take it up so I'm not setting DS a bad example.

ComeBy · 15/06/2020 19:05

Tell him it's setting a bad example for your child, to see one parent doing all the driving and the other always being driven around.

Haha. My teens are declining to learn to drive because they think society needs to do less driving. They are travelling everywhere by bike and public transport.

3rdNamechange · 15/06/2020 19:44

Tell him you need to stop driving for health reasons. If he still wants a car , he can learn to drive. However , it sounds like he just doesn't want to , otherwise he would have done it by now. He may take several goes to pass his test , and it's quite expensive now.

DilemmaDame · 16/06/2020 04:34

@theonlywayisapple and @GinDaddyRedux

I don't go on holidays where I board a plane get on a transfer coach and stay in one place (apart from when I ski!) I like to pack up the tent, bikes, beach chairs and hit the road. Or fly into Cape Town and drive the garden route, or drive the great ocean road. Fuck me if I'm the sole driver on a two week holiday, always being the one staying sober at lunch and always watching the road and not the scenery. No way.

I'll admit I (probably) wouldn't date a man or a woman who didn't drive. I do find it odd when healthy adults don't. Many of my friends don't currently own cars (we also went a year without) but they can all drive. I know it's a bit mean but it just seems so parochial not to!

DilemmaDame · 16/06/2020 04:39

@isabellerossignol agree 100%, my boyfriend does things I can't or not good at and vice versa (I do the tax returns, he does the pensions and investments, I cook, he does the dishes - I could go on!) but they're things that can be done from the comfort of your own house! Not one person always schlepping out to pick up from the airport at 2am or sit in traffic doing the school run twice a day while the other 'would love to help, sorry, but I don't drive'

Ahhh it makes me ragey inside lol I just couldn't. Some of you are VERY patient with your other halves.

Merlotmum85 · 16/06/2020 05:57

Realistically though, if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't drive you are not going to point them in the direction of the bus stop every time you go out somewhere. No, you'll end up doing all the driving, every single time. It gets tiring, you can never have a drink and creates an imbalance. I like to be able to share the responsibility a bit, so it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Wannabegreenfingers · 16/06/2020 06:39

I'll get moaned at for this, but it would be a deal breaker for me. Not driving due to an illness is one thing, but choosing not to as an adult and expecting your partner/friends/family to is pretty shitty.

I do believe driving is a life skill. It must effect job choices - I couldnt effectively do my job without driving, where you live and where you go?!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/06/2020 06:52

Have you notified the DVLA that you have MS?

GinDaddyRedux · 16/06/2020 06:53

Hmm @DilemmaDame I think you as the word "parochial" differently to me.

I would say it's narrow in outlook to think everyone should have a driving licence sitting there unused, even if they don't have a car, just in case they meet someone like Dilemma who wants to have a drink a few times on holiday and needs driving home.

J.K Rowling, Robbie Williams, Katie Beckinsale, Ricky Gervais.. are they all "parochial"?

I think they've most likely experienced things you can only imagine, and stayed in places you can only dream of. I highly doubt their partners rejected them because they couldn't take on a leg of a fly-drive holiday.

I think your requirements are fine if that's what you want, but personally I would happily date a person who didn't drive, because it's highly likely they bring hundreds of other things to the table which means I wouldn't be worrying about having a few glasses at dinner and who drives back

DilemmaDame · 16/06/2020 07:03

You are wrong @GinDaddy I don't like to have a drink a few times on holiday I like to drink A LOT on holiday 😂

No driving license = no fun times with DilemmaDame. Where would we even have sex?!

Jimdandy · 16/06/2020 07:10

I think yabu. I just would never date someone who didn’t drive in the first place. To me it’s just something you do when you turn 17 if you’re not a deadbeat. But you say he didn’t even work for a few years so he sounds like one anyway.

As he didn’t drive when you met him, then it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to learn because you said so.

brainstories568 · 16/06/2020 07:16

I had similar other than that I can drive but I'm not allowed to for medical reasons (epilepsy) - we live in zone 6 and had a baby. I'd waited for over 11 years for my now husband to book driving lessons and he puts things off he doesn't want to do/thinks he will fail at, so in the end I just booked him some for his birthday and told him an hour or so before meaning he didn't have time to get worked up about it. Could you try that?? He passed first time in December and we were planning to get a car when the new registration plates came out in March but Covid scuppered those plans, and now he's saying he doesn't want to buy a car because he hasn't driven for ages... tbh, if I were still able to drive this wouldn't be an issue at all. It'd just be slightly annoying, but I like driving and am good at it so why would I force him to do something he doesn't want to do?

I'm also concerned about what you've said regarding your health. Either you're fine to be on the road or you're not... You can't be half hearted about something this serious. Perhaps a chat with your specialist is in order?

CupoTeap · 16/06/2020 07:26

Should you be driving op? Pleas get yourself checked out properly and make sure you are safe to drive.

WingingIt101 · 16/06/2020 07:46

Putting to one side the issue that you should possibly not be driving yourself as that's been dealt with plenty by other responses I had a friend in a similar boat (albeit she was confident and very capable behind the wheel) where her oh refused to learn.

She got to the point where she charged him per trip he took in her car like a taxi and on occasions where she didn't want to drive (eg they were going to meet people for dinner etc) she would say "I've driven the last x number of times so it's your turn to get us there and back" knowing full well he couldn't do it and therefore had to arrange and pay for a cab and/or a hotel if it were far enough. Sounds petty but it worked. Within 6 months he had a driving licence.

tara66 · 16/06/2020 07:48

Can you not take public transport or Uber - when Virus has passed? Sounds like neither of you should drive. It's cheaper than a car anyway.

2007Millie · 16/06/2020 07:49

You lost all my sympathy when you said you drive with poor eyesight.

WinnieWonder · 16/06/2020 07:49

I voted YANBU.
I dont drive myself because i cant afford it and i live near bus routes. but i am not pressurising somebody else to drive me anywhere.

I cant believe he wanted you to drive a van in the circumstances.

h2oh2o · 16/06/2020 07:54

This has got to be a wind up following the Cummings debacle.

Mimimayhem18 · 16/06/2020 08:06

I drive and I have had partners who don't drive, it has never been an issue so you would be unreasonable to end a relationship over it. However you appear to have an entitled CF who would happily let you chauffeur him around despite the distress it caused you, you would definitely not be unreasonable to get shot of him ASAP.
The eyesight issue really does need addressing and fast, if you cause an accident because of it NEITHER of you will be driving and one of you could be jailed or worse kill someone.

knittingaddict · 16/06/2020 08:06

I had two thoughts about the eye sight bit.

that's worrying.
yeh, right.

NoProbLlamaa · 16/06/2020 08:06

I personally find men who can’t drive a complete turn off.... 😂 not sure why!

However, if you have MS you shouldn’t be driving on days you don’t feel up to it! Your OH is extremely selfish for expecting you to drive under these circumstances. His attitude towards you and your health that is an issue. He sounds lazy and clearly doesn’t understand your condition.

BUT.... Don’t drive if you don’t feel up to it!! My mum has MS and often finds driving tiring. She would never in a million years get into the car if she was having a bad day. You are putting yourself and others in danger and that is worse that your OHs behaviour.

RibenaMonsoon · 16/06/2020 08:15

If he is used to his mum ferrying him around then you need to break that cycle.
Stop doing driving favors for him. Especially s bloody van.
If he doesn't like it? There's a solution, he learns to drive.
He can't have it both ways.

Pleasenodont · 16/06/2020 08:26

One of the reasons I left my exH was because he couldn’t drive. Not that he couldn’t drive despite making lots of effort to learn, he was like your DP and just made no effort whatsoever so I had to taxi him everywhere. It caused lots of resentment and was enough of a reason alone to end the marriage although there were other things at play.

I totally understand your frustration, especially given the fact he’s asking you to do things you’re not comfortable with to suit him. He needs to get his finger out of his arse.

Megatron · 16/06/2020 08:29

You definitely shouldn't be driving OP.

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