To expect partner to drive

[Londonermummy]

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, we have 1 child together who is nearly 2 years old.
His driving (or lack of) is really causing a lot of arguments between us lately to the point where our relationship is being affected.
When I first met my partner I was surprised but not overly concerned to find out he couldn’t drive and had no licence. When I asked him about it he always said that because he had always lived in city’s he didn’t ever feel the need to learn to drive.

After discussing it he agreed that it was about time he learnt and so applied for a provisional licence.
Since getting his provisional licence 6 years ago he has not booked 1 lesson.
There was always one excuse after another for why he couldn’t learn( he was out of work for a couple of years so couldn’t afford it and now with his new job he says he has no time, and now the coronavirus has obviously given him another reason to delay learning).

Its very frustrating being the only driver as I’m a nervous driver as it is as I tend to make a lot of careless mistakes when driving (possibly because of my bad eyesight).

My partner is constantly pressuring me to drive in situations where we need it, he even tried to pressure me to drive a van (which I definitely wasn’t comfortable with) because he wanted to move some heavy stuff across town.

It’s very frustrating that it feels he has no interest in learning to drive but at the same time pressures me to drive. I think part of the problem was growing up his mother did everything for him and was basically a taxi service for him. I think she liked that he didn’t drive when he lived at home because it made him rely on her (which she loves)

A lot of the time it feel as though I’m in a relationship with a child not a man (for many other reasons as well which I won’t go into) and the lack of driving has become more of a problem since having a child.

I hate being the only one that can drive and have to do all the driving for things such as trips etc.

The fact that he won’t even agree a timescale as to when he plans to learn etc, he just says the same excuse that he’s too busy with work to learn to drive at the moment (but yet he has time for his hobbies on the weekend)

Not sure what to do in this situation. Is it ott to consider breaking up over this? AIBU?

Thanks

YABVU to be driving. Have you reported your condition to the DVLA? If not, you’re breaking the law and invalidating your car insurance.

www.gov.uk/multiple-sclerosis-and-driving

My mother once said “I never trust a man who doesn’t drive”. She’s a bit old school though.

OP this isn’t about driving, it’s about unequal division of responsibilities. He’s not pulling his weight and treating you like a mom taxi. Yet another man child.
You have been given enough advice re you MS already.
Good luck.

This thread has made me so angry. Of course OP isn’t going to give up driving; she has been wilfully endangering other people for god knows how long and will not stop doing that’s convenient for her. What the fuck though. I can’t believe how many people who aren’t fit to drive are actually driving around. This is beyond dangerous.

Is this a joke?

I wouldn’t have dated a man who couldn’t drive. It would have e annoyed me even in my early twenties to always have to do ALL of the driving. I can’t even imagine how annoying that would be now with kids too!! No thanks!!

It sounds like neither of you should be driving. Someone forced to drive is going to be no safer than someone who can’t see the road properly!

@Londonermummy

I have MS which affects my eyes (blurry vision) and sometimes my coordination even when wearing glasses

I'm sorry, but it is illegal to drive if your eyes are of that standard. That's prob why you are making mistakes and is another reason why he should learn to drive. If your coordination is affected that is an other medical issue. I assume DVLA are not aware yet?

I actually think he is being much more sensible by realising driving isn’t right for him and not driving than you are by driving when you know it’s not safe to.

Presumably you live in London? Lots of Opticians there, and many are open for testing in emergencies ATM .No one should be driving if their eyesight is not 100% with or without glasses FFS!

@LizB62A

Tell him it's setting a bad example for your child, to see one parent doing all the driving and the other always being driven around.

Don’t be stupid

I don’t get this obsession Mumsnet has with driving and I’m a driver. Not everyone can drive. The OP certainly should be giving up her license. Why have people driving when they don’t want to? That makes for terrible drivers on the road.

@DilemmaDame

It's a deal breaker for me, I'd never date an adult that can't drive. Think of all the holiday options that are closed off to you unless you're prepared to taxi them around Nope.

Agree with everyone above that you should say you don't want to drive until you sort out your health issues and feel safer on the road.

If you love someone, it’s not ‘taxi then around’ Jesus, some of you sound like you don’t even like your partners.

Out of your whole post the eyesight thing really leapt our at me op - and I can see I'm not the only one.

See your optician before you get behind the wheel again!

My DH ALWAYS wants to drive UNLESS we are going out to meet friends at a restaurant etc [back in the day!] when he expected us to take turns so he could sometimes have a drink.

He didn't always win that one.

I would find it really annoying and selfish if I was in your position. I would resent having to do all the driving too. Not sure what the solution is, other than to refuse to drive whenever you don’t want to.

If your eyesight is so bad that you get blurry vision then you need to stop driving immediately!! It is dangerous and you could end up killing someone.

You cannot make your partner want to learn to drive, not everyone does. It sounds as though he really doesn't want to and you just keep pressurising him.

I have driven for many years and really enjoy it. But not everyone does. I know many people who don't drive.

If you love someone, it’s not ‘taxi then around’ Jesus, some of you sound like you don’t even like your partners.

I love, and like, my husband very much. But that doesn't mean I'm his skivvy. Just as I expect not to have to do all the washing, cooking and cleaning, I expect not to have to do all the driving.

If we lived in London with public transport it would be different. But we don't. We live somewhere that it would be almost impossible to even have a job if you can't drive. I'm not taking that level of responsibility for another perfectly capable adult.

I lived in a city with good public transport and never bothered to learn to drive. Moved to a rural idyll and got a driving licence. I know lots of folk who don't drive who live in cities. Lots of people who do have a licence and just use a city car club car for their annual pilgrimage to Ikea.

Get off the road until your eyesight is sorted out! Last year, I was hit by a driver whose insurance refused to pay out and it was a nightmare for me, but I'd imagine it was far worse for him. My insurance company sought to recover costs from him personally... this was a really minor collision with nobody injured and it came to around £20k. If he'd injured or killed someone, it doesn't bear thinking about. Stop driving now, whether your partner wants to drive or not - a car and a licence are a privilege not a right.

YANBU. My DH is the same, despite me being able to teach him he won’t do it.
Just stop giving him lifts. Make him walk.

Next you'll be saying you have a labrador and a white stick. This post surely isn't genuine

Of course he doesn't want to learn to drive, he doesn't need to. You need to let him deal with negative consequences for not driving. Don't drive him anywhere unless you are going too. You have to be firm and say no, if you give in he will never learn.

FFS - if you make mistakes because you have bad eyesight stop driving immediately and get it checked out. You drive with your child in the car? What are you thinking?