To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

@FirstTimeMummyDS88 People are twats. If it happens again, say “yeah he’s great, and it works out perfectly between us, probably because he’s my brother”. They’ll shut up then.

YANBU. I totally get this. Yes there are dads out there who are lot less hands on and are lazy shits, but no one goes on about how lucky a dad is if his wife washed his pants, cleaned the toilet & fed the kids. It’s just expected from a mum. Men get praised when they do it.

Please dont forget the dads/mums who come home from work with splits in their hands from working out doors in the cold and wet seven days a week, my DH has never come in and started doing laundry or hoovering, I wouldnt expect him to, doesnt mean hes a shit dad, I wouldnt trade one of my home with the kids days for one of his working days. Maybe dont judge a man or woman on how much house work they do.

My husband is also very good and yes, in theory men SHOULD be pulling their weight, particularly as most households require 2 incomes to function but sadly our reality is not the reality for many.

The fact is we ARE spoilt with our OH. We made a good choice and put the boundary lines down and they accepted them but far too many men are lazy entitled gits.

People are just saying regular nice things to you. Don't over react, and say you are sick of it. They probably hear so many stories about dumb ass Fathers, so it's nice to hear of nicer things.

YANBU and you are right to say it’s nothing you should have to feel grateful for that a Dad should share the childcare etc. But I have been guilty of saying things like that to friends mainly out of my own frustration that I can’t seem to encourage my husband to do much to help with the kids despite the fact I also work (4 days to his 5 but I do all the school runs, meals washing etc). I’ve tried talking to him but it’s like a bloody brick wall. And actually I find it pretty depressing that he doesn’t seem to want to do it. So I would see it that either they are like me and wish things were different or they are of a generation where Dads were not expected to do much and to “have” the kids for a few hours so you could get your hair done or something was a massive treat!

I find it slightly irritating when my mum says I'm so lucky my husband does so much with the kids and around the house because it infers I should be doing it all myself. I let it blow over my head as I know it's a generation thing with her (she's 80) also, she didn't have that sort of balance when we were kids. Go get wine while your husband very kindly babysits for you 😜🙈

I find this attitude just so depressing - are so many man really so shit that it’s worth commenting on when one of them isn’t?!

There’s also lots of ‘little‘ things out there that signal this attitude is still acceptable. My personal bugbear is when cafes, restaurants etc have a baby change in the ladies toilets but not in the men’s. Would anyone think of having one in the men’s but the ladies? No of course they wouldn’t, so why is the reverse seen as acceptable?

YANBU. As a father, that sort of attitude infuriates me. In my experience it’s generally women that say that sort of thing. My friends and I just get on with being the best dads we can, whilst quietly seething inside about being told we’re great to be babysitting our own children. 😡

My (chauvinist) neighbour is forever telling me how lucky I am because DH cooks (DH enjoys cooking and does v little other stuff around the house, including clearing up after said cooking)
I respond to neighbour how lucky DH is to have me to sort everything else out! That usually ends that conversation quite quickly!

To be honest I really don’t understand why you’re all getting so angry about this. People say it for a reason. Up until quite recently very few men did anything domestic, there are still a lot of men who don’t. Why on earth can’t you just accept that people who say this haven’t had the same experience as you?

I’d have loved my son’s dad to have been an equal parent but he wasn’t. I’m deeply envious. I expect a lot of women of my vintage are.

I’ve not read the whole post sorry! But u have to remember that dads taking an active role in the childcare is still quite a recent thing. It wasn’t long ago that dads weren’t in the labour room!! It takes time for things to change.

Urgh! I am with you 100%. My children are 17 & 14 and I’m sad that you are still experiencing this kind of rubbish!
I went back to work with DD was 3 months & was made to feel like the most cruel Mum in the world!
Thought things may have changed.

Its a weird attitude to me because my own DDad did an equal share of the childrearing with my mum. He worked 6 till 4pm, then got home took mum to her night shift and cooked us dinner and did some chores then bathed and bedtime. There were 4 of us so we were pretty much left to our own devices to entertain ourselves, and this was the 80s so parents didn't really play with us or help with homework. But it is alien to me that a father wouldn't take care of the basic necessities.
But I'm always a bit disgusted by the man and sad for the woman, when I see her cooking and cleaning for a man even before marriage and kids and being proud that she is a homemaker.

I agree with @ToastyCrumpet, it just shows the low expectations some people have of their children's fathers. People think my DH is a saint because he does 50% of the chores around the house. I know it will be the same when our baby arrives but I plan to correct anyone that thinks by DH is 'babysitting' or 'helping me out'.

Yanbu at all. But you do sound quite lucky in tenge routine that the kids of that age seem to be in!

Of course you're not being unreasonable. They're his kids too...he should be mucking in, but try not to take it to heart and just be a bit smug that your husband does more than some!

YANBU My parents often say this about my dh. He only has to pick up a tea towel and I’m lucky! I’m lucky he doesn’t gamble, lucky he’s not a big drinker etc... drives me nuts.... need to say something to them! I’m not great at standing up for myself.

You are lucky in a way, my ex husband done nothing with our son even whilst I was recovering from emergency c-section. And my partner whom we live with does nothing with him either sadly

Of course YANBU.... the more people treat the father doing his bit as something to be thankful for, the more it is normalising the feckless layabout. I would definitely put them straight.

It was references to DH 'babysitting' that drove me mad... no-one ever referred to me as 'babysitting' my own children! (Ref pp!)

Very annoying OP, YADNBU.

Another bugbear.... "Ooooh, you have trained him well!!!" when he can put a plate in the dishwasher. Aurgh!!!!!

@FirstTimeMummyDS88

Whenever my husband says I’m too hard on him and that I should every now and then say to him - you’re doing well, thank you.

I turn around and say, sorry but am I your mother!? Are you 7 years old!? I don’t get a thanks every time I do something for our children so why should he.

He says he works really hard, and he does. But I said I’m happy to work just as hard if I had a wife doing everything for me too!

In fact I do work just as hard.....except society does not see it as work. I have to fit my career around family, and he wonders why he has gotten so much further with his career.

I said I would be just as good if I had a wife and not a husband.....and that if he raises this issue one more time. Then I’ll divorce him and find myself a wife. So I can be the successful professional I’m aiming to be too.

He actually got the point. Which is great. This lockdown has made him see how much there is to be done when it comes to looking after children. Rant over. Hahah.

I get this comment from my neighbour / mum friends each time my DH gets the washing in (about once in 2 months) or cooks dinner!

I have a helpful partner who is a better house husband than I'll ever be a housewife.
I don't think I could marry someone who is a complete and utter lazy arse re the home anyway I'm a bit too much of a feminist for that.
"Lucky" isn't really the word to use ...but I think it comes from a well meant place (or lack of conversation skills!) . I don't pay that much attention sometimes, I just say "yes" and move on ...nod and smile and do wtf u like anyway x

YANBU ...it’s casual sexism.
I do try to gently correct people when they come out with it. It’s crap 💩