To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

Before lockdown I did the main share of the caring for the boys because DH was in work but he always made time to play with them after tea and the her involved with bath and bed time. Now he's working from home he has become a lot more involved and yes it's been nice to have more help around the house.
I understand people don't mean if I'm a negative way it's more the overall view of fathers and mothers roles that I find annoying. I can bet my DH has never been told he's lucky that I put the kids to bed.

And I will have wine shortly so I'll get over it quickly 😂

YANBU.

My relationship is like yours, but as one member of partnership who both work full-time in professional careers I would accept no less. Compared with the complaints I often hear about how little fathers do admittedly I count my blessings, but it does seem to me that the bar has been set ridiculously low elsewhere.

My DH was amazed that a colleague of his does all the holiday packing for her husband. The idea wouldn't even have occurred to him. We both do our own laundry and ironing - DC's is done by whoever happens to pick it up first and this job is fairly evenly spread. Parenting in our house is a two-person job. Why on earth some women think a man needs to be 'looked after' as though he's one of the kids beats the hell out of me.

They're grown adults. They can look after themselves (not to mention their own children), and Wife Work can go fuck itself up the bum. My own personal take, of course.

YANBU

Posters are right that in many cases the people saying it genuinely mean well and genuinely believe you are lucky because their own experience is so different.

That makes it so much worse though, not better!

It shows we have so much further to go than people claim, before men and women are equal, before gender stereotypes are removed, before women are expected without thinking to do almost all the unpaid caring in society as well as earning a salary, and simultaniously disadvantaged in the workplace because that expectation means that they are expected to take time off and be uncommitted employees, and have to work twice as hard and be twice as good as men to prove themselves in the paid workplace.

The fact people say these things without thinking is far worse than the occassional person saying them as a dig, because when people say the same things without thinking it means that way of thinking is deeply and widely embedded in society and harder to dig out than bindweed.

So YANBU

OP, I would always turn around and say: “I’m not lucky I just chose to procreate with a man who takes HIS responsibilities seriously. I am assuming by your comment, you didn’t?“ Turn it back to other people every time, make them wonder why they have it so wrong. I promise you won’t feel annoyed after that.

I have experienced this too with my DH, who is incredibly hands on, and in many ways the better parent. And I answer rather acerbically that they are, after all, his children. Tends to shut the conversation down very quickly. And I don't care if it makes anyone feel uncomfortable, people peddling this crap in this day and age, however well meaning, is continuing to hold women back.

YABVVU to forget the wine. How can either of you possibly function without wine when you have children to look after?

YANBU- my DH and I work full time frontline jobs. We both try to half everything 50:50 and he is happy to do this too. The kids on the other hand are less convinced. If we are both at home even if I've just got in from a 10hr shift and DH has been home all day the DC's will gravitate towards me for EVERYTHING!!!
But people in general express shock when I tell them that DH pulls his weight at home.

My DH is the same as yours OP. I half understand your frustration, because it should just be a given that your kids' dad is involved in their basic care and in supporting you. But unfortunately, that isn't the norm, so on the other hand I regularly feel lucky that my own DH isn't a total twat who expects me to just to it all and for him to 'babysit' occasionally.

I honestly feel like it's my duty to say something in return, in case that person thinks she should be grateful for s tiny bit her husband does, I want to chnage that perception. Also, I can't seem to be able to hold back said reply 😁

I have adult DC, have been a single parent for many years, and even when we were together, he was (still is) a useless 'father'.

My youngish neighbours have a dear little 18 month old. The dad is bloody amazing, and I quite often say "isn't he good with him" though in my head I'm saying "you're so lucky".

I had zero help, never a lie in, no night feeding, never around to do anything.

What you're lucky with OP, is a decent man who assumes and acknowledges his responsibility in parenthood.

Like PP have said, those who say those things most probably come from different experiences.

Incredibly irritating and yet another example of sexist attitudes. They're his children too. When do people ever express amazement that a woman is 'babysitting' her own children?

And sometimes it's my mum or a friend that need setting straight, it does not stop me 😁

This might be a generational thing. By the standards of when my son was small, you are fortunate. His dad never, ever as much as changed a nappy. To be fair, 45 years ago nobody, including me, expected him to.

It’s very positive and healthy that men do their share now but it’s a relatively recent development and a lot of women my age, who did absolutely everything, will consider you lucky.

Not going into details about what your husband is doing with the children at any given time may stop further conversation. Simply say "They're with there dad" or " Mr. H is sorting them out"

Yanbu at all

YANBU at all.

This is every day sexism, and I am sad that my sons will grow up hearing other people’s views that anything a man does around the house is unusual rather than the norm.

A father ‘babysitting’ the children particularly annoys me.

I don’t care if this reflects that individual’s life (eg father of own children useless), the fact that they don’t see their own experiences as being unusual, but the father pulling his weight is the one that’s unusual, reflects society as a whole, and people don’t have high enough expectations of men in the first place.

It is very sad to think that in even now, mothers are seen as lucky to have a husband who is capable of looking after his own children all by himself. YANBU.

YANBU. My response would be 'They're his children and he does his share of looking after them.' with no mitigating smile or apologetic tone or anything. This shit continues not just because (some) men don't want to pull their weight; attitudes and comments like this perpetuate it and allow it to carry on. I think we all have our own part to play in chipping away at it.

the fact that they don’t see their own experiences as being unusual, but the father pulling his weight is the one that’s unusual

It might be unusual now (from what I see on around me it’s still not that unusual) but it was the norm in the recent past. The world wasn’t invented a couple of years ago.

YANBU but a sad reflection that the societal expectations of what constitutes a “good father” is depressingly low.

Some People's expectations for what men should do in terms of parenting or housework is shockingly low. Personally I don't know any man (thankfully) who doesn't pull his weight. If course I know there are lots as I see it in my work. I know several of men who took extended paternity, reduced hours to do childcare, do bedtime, cooks, takes kids to parties etc- all normal stuff. But in all those instances both parents also work outside the home and I think it makes a difference. Dh had a job interview recently and asked the female interviewer whether they had a flexible working policy. He said her face dropped and she asked what did he mean. He said he'd like to drop his dc at school occasionally (and make up time later) and she said can your dw not do that 😳. He told her his dw is a doctor and earns way above his pay grade and occasionally works early shifts. Put him right off the job. I wonder if the response would've been the same had a woman candidate asked that?

You're lucky in that you haven't procreate with a scum bag.

My "D"P cant even cook our daughter some pasta- he doesnt know how . Yet he bags me for another child, wants to choose what religion our daughter follows or have some control over what hairstyles she can have. I just can't have kids with a lazy, weed smoking, useless piece of irresponsible shit.

YANBU, at all. And is does absolutely matter that people (women!) are still saying this to you, because it reinforces the societal expectations that women do everything unless they luck out and get a husband who 'helps'.

I recognise and value the fact that DH is a good partner and father and views child raising as his responsibility as much as mine. But I refuse to be grateful for it, and would expect equal recognition in return from him.

Urgh! The ones that are lucky are your children for having two good parents

YANBU.

But you could just smile and say "Yes, I know". You'll feel much better!
Because sadly, compared to some people, you are