To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

You’ve chosen a good man

Point is though that nobody will congratulate men if their wives do those really basic parenting things. It's so easy to be a good dad.

@Alsohuman

This might be a generational thing. By the standards of when my son was small, you are fortunate. His dad never, ever as much as changed a nappy. To be fair, 45 years ago nobody, including me, expected him to.

It’s very positive and healthy that men do their share now but it’s a relatively recent development and a lot of women my age, who did absolutely everything, will consider you lucky.

My experience was the same as yours Alsohuman my ex husband was a useless husband and father who never even went into the children’s schools for parents evenings. His view was that it was women’s work, but to be fair , that is how he was brought up, so had no role model to learn from. When we married I was very naive to think that I could change him. He was also very violent to myself and the children the results of which have been devastating for my DC. I blame myself daily for being so stupid. I do love to see Fathers being very hands on and my own son- in-law is an excellent father. I am pleased OP that your own husband is a decent man.

You are lucky. These people saying you are lucky are saying that is not their experience of parenting. Just because you believe (quite rightly) that a father is just as responsible for his children as the mother is, and would not stand for any less, you are still lucky that you have partnered up with a man who follows through on this. Check out the relationships board if you want to find out about how lucky you are.

My mil and fil had a pretty old fashioned but I guess normal for the time set up ie he worked she stayed home.

She tells this tale which she thinks shows her husband as being a generous man bit actually in my mind shows what a terrible father he was being (he actually was a great dad from what I can tell, just a typical dad of his generation).

Anyway, tale goes.... one sunday after making the sunday roast mil was trying to clean up, wash the dishes and look after the two dcs. She was getting stressed aa I think her dcs were messing around. She said to fil, you are going to have to look after the children or wash the dishes, I can't do both!. His response was to the next day go and but a dishwasher! He would rather spend hundreds of pounds on a dishwasher rather than look after his own children!

@IamAporcupine Not my Nigel! No way could he have turned out crap!

Honestly, I'd like to think my amazing skills and judgement are responsible but, yes, you are right, he could have turned out crap. I definitely felt I'd done my due diligence - not just measured in years, but in being clear about my expectations, hearing his, developing dialogue, and not being prepared to be with someone who wasn't open to that. But, you can't plan for every element of life (as most of us are finding out now).

I guess there is a bit of magical thinking involved - if only people with shit judgement and poor boundaries get lumbered with crap dads, we can feel clever and safe. But, really, people with shit judgement and poor boundaries often get lumbered with crap dads and so do a fair percentage of the rest of mothers.

I think they're really thinking of either themselves or someone they know who is ^^unlucky because their dp/dh is one of the lazy shits so many women talk about on MN!

Thank you, SleepingStandingUp. That's very sweet of you.

It is ridiculous that it's seemingly rare for dad's to get stuck in, but you are lucky! My dh never helped.

Ex and I were together for 13 years before we had DC. I thought he was a decent bloke and we shared all the household chores. But the moment I went onto maternity leave, he changed. He became an expert at avoiding his share of chores or parenting. I finally left after being with him for 30 years because he became abusive to us all. I can look back now and see the red flags I should have seen so long ago, but MN wasn't around then and I was naive.

So, no you can't predict how a man will be as a parent. Until it's too late and he is a parent.

YANBU - both parents are parents; neither can 'babysit' their own children.

On the other hand a lot of men still are less involved in parenting/housework than they should be because society tells them it's okay to opt out.

YANBU but I do think you’re lucky. I would say DH’s that do as much as yours as few & far between. My DH doesn’t do half as much as you mentioned, neither do the DHs of any of my friends. You’re lucky.

a lot of men still are less involved in parenting/housework than they should be because society tells them it's okay to opt out

THIS, applies to my DH

YANBU, but sadly it's the norm.

My DH is a brilliant dad, but he's not the best at certain elements eg the admin side, knowing when to apply for schools, planning and thinking of activities to do etc as he just doesn't have great organisational skills. I will also go the extra mile eg read a book if I feel like we need to address behaviour, whereas he will read about a page of the same book and give up, and would never suggest a book or article etc to me to read.

Yet when I have a bit of a whinge about being exhausted having the mental load on me, my friends "commiserate" with me with their own stories of their partners. Things like not knowing how to use the washing machine, never putting rubbish in the bin etc. My DH doesn't have a problem with those things as they are BASIC LIFE SKILLS and I'm not his mother to pick up after him.

So then I start questioning am I being over the top complaining every now and then when he's actually a million times better than most husbands and dads? Just because he pulls his weight with a lot of the chores and things like night time wake ups etc.

Words fail me.

YANBU, why are dads praised so much for doing the most basic things with their kids!

That said, I think it's mostly people making conversation and just say the first thing that enters their head.

YANBU! I hare how people’s expectations of fathers are so low. Oh you’re so lucky he doesn’t the cooking! He eats right?
We both work I do most of the parenting. The mental load and the housework. Ffs

Argh does the cooking!

On balance, I probably AM lucky.

DH and I knew each other 4 months when we moved in, engaged 2 months later and married a year after that. We'd been together 3 years when I got pregnant. There perhaps was insufficient time for due diligence and then DS came early and poorly, came home tube fed and on o2 and he's always done at least his fair share, had him whilst I go away more than the other way round, and then we had TWINS 😂😂😂😂
But then he's lucky too cos he def does not see dirt like I do and has never scrubbed our loo or fridge!

@Longdistance

Go back out to get wine, it’s essential.

My dh got up during the the night with dds when they were little the total of ✌🏼 times. He does stuff with them now they’re older and interesting 🤔

My ex didnt get up once, and said on the way out to the pub when ds was small I'll do more with him when hes more interesting. Ds is now 7 and he has seen him a total of 8 times this year (and that's being generous)

I went back to work when DS2 was 7 months. DH left his job to stay at home with the boys. Nobody ever told HIM he was lucky when I spent some time with my children. It's bloody silly, isn't it?

YANBU with how it is said to you... However, imagine you were the other person where the husband does nothing..... Far worse!

My answer to this kind of shite was always yes he’s a great Dad - but he’s nowhere near a Mum

YABU

to whine about this. Come on, you should be pleased you got a dh that does his bit.

My fiancée's ex, wasn't child friendly, even his.own!
A few others have said their OHs are "hands on".

You're just being a whining wino! As a practically teatotal (yes I do have the odd drink...About 5 a year, unless a big event to celebrate, then I'll have a couple extra) to hear someone mention wine/alcohol as a reason for being so whiny.

I was very hands on (as i.could be.for my godchild) even if initially I was scared of the baby! Since then, I've become a lot.lote.child friendly.

Ok, technically, ALL dad's should do fatherly things n duties, but the reality is, far far different, and it's generally accepted that men don't do much with their kids.

As for.my parents... My mother tried to drown me at 6.months old, and abandoned me at 5. My father pretended he.cared, but forgot.my birthday most years (we have the same.day) and did everything for me not to go back living in the family home (he was completely different with his new wife m kids (all his)). Obvs this is over the top.

So stop whining, and enjoy that other mums are jealous.of.you, and as you empty another bottle, be nice n smug about.it! 😜 lol

With what's going on around us, complaining about this, is fking trivial.

YAB a bit U. I mean I get how it shouldn’t be that way. But for most of us it is. My husband did nothing for the kids or house and for years I was like “he works more hours than me he’s just tired and grumpy” until he was on furlough for months and did absolutely nothing around the house or with his kids not even just play Xbox with them or something. I was trying to have a conversation about our son who is in year 6 going back to school weighing up the pros and cons and discussing the schools letter about their measures. He wasn’t listening and didn’t care. He doesn’t live here anymore. So whilst it shouldn’t be a a surprise that a man does his share, you got one of the good ones, so you are lucky in my opinion. That’s not to say he also isn’t lucky to have you. It does work both ways.

Hi. YANBU in my opinion. I too am “lucky” I have a nice DH who actually gives and shit about his kids and shares the responsibility. I do the lions share during the week due to working patterns but he does a lot too. I’ve had people tell me I’m lucky plenty of times but my Dsis is the worst for it. She isn’t completely separated from her dc’s dad yet she bangs on about being a single parent and then tells me I’m so lucky. But it’s not even in a envious I wish my kids dad was the same as her kids dad is hands on to. She just likes make me feel bad. A have 2 DC, youngest of whom is autistic and I’ll be honest, every single day is a battle. Both me and DH work, I’m wfh at the moment and it’s been really hard. I don’t often vent to family members but now I know why. They make me feel like I shouldn’t have the odd moan as I have my dh to help. I know that I do and I do feel for anyone on their own trying to do what we do every day, but if I can’t have a moan to family then who can I? With my family at least it’s like a competition as to who has it worst which is ridiculous and not my intention at all.

You are not being unreasonable.. but I have to warn you this will carry on for the whole life of you children ... so you either have to accept it or DRINK to ignore it 🍺🍺