To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

[Glowcat]

It’s a reflection of how low we set the bar for fathers. I’ve seen the ‘DP/DH is/was babysitting’ comments on here frequently when people are talking about men looking after their biological children. Thankfully it tends to be challenged. It’s a ridiculous attitude and it seems to continue even when both parents are working full time. How many employers still slip in questions about children and childcare when they’re interviewing mothers (and
I know they’re not allowed to but they still do.) How many fathers are asked about their arrangements for childcare by employers?

Women get the extra work at home and the career stall. Even if both work full time and earn a similar amount the assumption seems to be that the mother should be the one to take time off when the children are ill. If men do want to take on truly shared parenting they get treated as though they’re somehow odd to want eg flexible working or family leave. Men are just as capable of parenting and I’d find it insulting if I were male.

[Love51]

@Undomesticgodde55
50:50 parental leave is something new! It wasn't available when I had my 8 yr old. It may have been by the time I had my 6 year old (but not to me as DH was working under a series of short term insecure contracts and I had a very family friendly public sector role)

Not sure if I should feel lucky that I researched DH well before I had babies with him. I tend to research most things thoroughly! It paid off.

[FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue]

YANBU to be irritated. But you need to think of some replies.Eg. 'Surely it's to be expected, you know it is 2020 not 1920.'

[Edwardette]

You're being awkward and lucky tbh. Too much free time on your hands? Its a non issue

[NewToRenting]

I completely agree with you. Please allow me to add to your list ...You're so lucky, your husband 'helps' around the house. Considering that we both worked full time and brought in similar money, why the f* should he merely 'help'. The word 'help' implies it's my job, and it's so magnanimous of him to 'help'.
Once I had invited some new friends over for dinner, spent pretty much the whole day cooking, getting everything ready. While they were here, DH helpfully stirred a pot on the stove (which I had slaved over!) and took some plates from the kitchen to the table. Cue gushes of "you're so lucky!"

[bluevioletcrimsonsky]

I just think they don't mean anything really and just making conversation. And I am sure your dh is told how lucky he is to have you too, when you are not around.

[minipie]

I agree with you OP.

I’d be saying, “Yup, luckily he’s a good father who does his fair share.”

Or “Yes, and isn’t he lucky that I look after the kids for him at other times”

[SookieStackhouseSucks]

This annoys me too. My husband took two of our children to a family function without me. They would have been about 2 years old and 6 months at the time. He had women cooing over him the whole time he was there. What a wonderful dad, how lucky I was to have him, can they take the baby to give him a break etc. That led to him thinking (briefly) they were right and I WAS lucky that he looked after his own kids, how lucky I was that he took them out and kept them alive and even managed to feed them. I see it on social media people saying that their partners have cooked dinner or performed some household chore or two, and the comment section is full of "you're so lucky" and "what a good man you've got". When women say this sort of thing, no matter how well intentioned, they enforce to men that children and housework are a mum's responsibility. They also make some women feel they should be grateful for whatever tiny deed their partners do around the house, rather than being cross that all they've done is that one tiny deed.

[LightenUpSummer]

Can we please squash the myth that it's possible to tell in advance if a man will be a supporting father/husband once dc come along. Yes you can sometimes tell the real aresholes, but often not. I married the nicest, kindest man in the world and he still buggered off when the going got tough.

This comes up a lot on here, women saying their partner totally changed, once it was too late.

[Interestedwoman]

You're not wrong. xxx

[SleepingStandingUp]

@bluevioletcrimsonsky

I just think they don't mean anything really and just making conversation. And I am sure your dh is told how lucky he is to have you too, when you are not around.

Really? How many people walk to up to men at work and say oh you're so lucky she's stayed home with the baby so you can come to work, etc.
Maybe a sarky you're lucky she let's you out now youve got kids

[JRUIN]

First world problems

[RainbowFlowers]

It irritates me too. And I think its strange that people don't say to husbands that they are lucky when their wives work. Like ok you're lucky that she brings in money to the house hold.

Its like the traditional expectation is for men to only work. And women to do all housework and childcare and if she works too thats not to be praised.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

My FIL was very cross that I suggested he take his DS to the bathroom for a nappy change...wouldnt have mattered if it was a DD as its a womans job. I saw woman staring in adoration at a man having his baby in a baby carrier like he was doing something amazing. The men that think they are helping you out by allowing you to have a child free night, sadly when it comes to men and woman are as bad...if they do anything remotely normal as parenting they are seen as gods - rather than just doing there bit

[sunflowersandtulips50]

sorry i didnt suggest FIL take DS for a nappy change that was my OH

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

I think sadly it is commentable BECAUSE it is not actually the reality for most people. My ex NEVER took time off when the kids were sick or anything -because he needed to work. The fact that I had the same job but much higher up passed people by. He never ever asked to go out for a run or with friends. But if I said, Saturday night G has invited me over he'd say 'You can't I've already planned x' -there is a reason WHY he is an ex and I would never put up with in again. But it or was for me very difficult to move on. I had to do my job, the kids, the animals and then cook for him on top and run the house -why he swanned around.

[bluevioletcrimsonsky]

I don't know, am I deluded, SleepingStandingUp?
If someone said to me I was lucky to have my dh, and yes, I was told that many times, I just think, "yeah, I am" and agree. Also I was told that he was lucky to have me by his friends/family, so I just assumed it happened both ways. Just a simple convo, no deep meaning behind it ime.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@bluevioletcrimsonsky

I don't know, am I deluded, SleepingStandingUp?
If someone said to me I was lucky to have my dh, and yes, I was told that many times, I just think, "yeah, I am" and agree. Also I was told that he was lucky to have me by his friends/family, so I just assumed it happened both ways. Just a simple convo, no deep meaning behind it ime.

Erm where exactly did I call you DELUDED??

I questioned where it happened beyond the sarky comments or the family ones because awesome as I am, I'm not aware of anyone telling DH how lucky he is to have me because I take the kids places with me or look after them whilst he goes out.

[Devlesko]

I know what you mean, he's just being a parent. Unfortunately he's seen as a knight in shining armour to the men you read about on here.
Lets face it many are utter knobs who put themselves first in all ways.

[Orangeblossom78]

You see when ours were little DH did get told he was lucky for having the weekend away etc. he missed the DC though. So sometimes they do get told that as well.

[Heatherjayne1972]

My ex genuinely believed all child rearing was ‘woman’s work’ He wouldn’t even push the pram or pushchair ( first child arrived when he was 30 ish- not that long ago)
So I did it all because he utterly refused
I did not know he thought this until our baby had arrived

So yeah op I think you’re lucky. I really do

You’ve chosen a good man

[Autumnsloth]

OP YANBU at all! The amount of times I hear "get dad to take DS for a walk so that you get a break...". Erm no, how about he takes him out for a walk because he's the dad? I don't take DS out so that DP gets a break...

[louise5754]

@Dontiknowit you can never tell how someone will be until the situation arises

[louise5754]

@Love51 how do you research someone to see if they will be a good father??!

[bluevioletcrimsonsky]

SleepingStandingUp, I didn't imply that you called me deluded. I was just simply asking "Am I deluded" to think the way I am. And also I didn't think the comment was only about dad taking care of children instead of mum, I just thought it just meant in general, that OP has good relationship with dh and that both happily take responsibility in taking care of children. I am simple and not British. So I may not even get the sarcasm in the first place.