To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

[Wheelerdeeler]

I wouldn't have a child with someone unless I knew they were going to a decent dad. From day 1, everything was split 50/50. In fact the only thing I do that dh doesn't is cut the finger nails. We both work full time. We both are parents.

[Sandybval]

Yes it's infuriating. DH was useless when DS was born, especially with me on maternity leave as if that somehow meant I had to do absolutely everything. We had a lot of conversations and have a good balance now. I am also sick and tired of people saying wow to men about very simple tasks, or oooo daddy daycare. I do feel for those that say it in that it's what they've been lumbered with, but it does show a glaring disparity in expectations for mums and dads.

[LightenUpSummer]

I have a theory that one clue to how a man's going to be, is how his father treats his mother. Also how he talks about his mother. However a - that would rule out a lot of good eggs, and b - it's just my theory.

Anyone have any examples to prove/disprove?

[LuaDipa]

YANBU. I used to get this. DH was really great with kids, very hands on, used to attend kids parties etc. Not so great with anything else. It used to grate, but I now understand that it reflects more on their choices than mine. Honestly don’t let it bother you.

[KatharinaRosalie]

ManWhoHasItAll on FB and Twitter is a good account to follow. Because when you turn all those 'so lucky!' statements around, only then you will see how ridiculous they sound.
'My wife ironed her own blouses, I'm so lucky!' Tom, 39.
'Working dad? Don't nag your wife to help you more, just get up earlier!'
'Is your wife also a big kid at heart too? I have to organise everything for her, sometimes it feels like I have 3 children and not 2!'
'I'm all for hands on mums, my wife even changer our kids diapers'
'Women just don't see dirt. You should make a list of all household tasks and give her a list, but only encourage her to do things that are more fun'

[Sk1nnyB1tch]

I was a child in the 80's and my Mam still talks about how annoying she found it when people remarked on how lucky she was that my Dad would drop and collect us from childcare....when she was in work!

[MamaLion1319]

To a lot (probably a majority) if people, you are lucky. Yes you feel like he should be doing those things, which is true, but unfortunately a good man is hard to come by. Not saying you don't appreciate your DH but I'd take it as a compliment that you have a good man who helps with his children.

[Wheelerdeeler]

@LightenUpSummer my mil did everything for her boys. When we moved in together, I had them for dinner. Dh cleared the dishes, loaded the dishwasher etc. Mil was all sniffy saying "he never did that at home" and I said "but you never left him to anything". I made it clear that we shared it once we had a house and thankfully dh understood that.

[Love51]

@louise5754 well to be fair I was lucky to be in a situation where I had time on my side as we met young. It was a case of knowing him for several years, seeing how he took responsibility for people in life, seeing how he made difficult decisions, at what point to prioritise himself Vs other people in his life. It isn't the sort of stuff you can find out about someone in 18 months (unless you have an incredibly stressful first 18 months together, I suppose). We were together 5 years before we got married and didn't have kids straight away. I didn't decide to have a child with someone I'd only known 2 years, or who wasn't passing the 'good dad' test.
I'm aware that I was a bit more considered about this than is normal. When I was looking for a boyfriend I was looking for a dad to my (future) kids.

[Eckhart]

Have a stock answer for whenever this happens, like 'He's doing what any responsible parent would do.' You can alter the tone, to add a feeling of 'you prat!!', if necessary.

I hope you get some wine this evening, and some sleep tonight.

You're not being ridiculous.

[IamAporcupine]

@Love51 - but are you aware that he could have still turned out to be a bit crap as a father?

[IamAporcupine]

@LightenUpSummer

Can we please squash the myth that it's possible to tell in advance if a man will be a supporting father/husband once dc come along. Yes you can sometimes tell the real aresholes, but often not. I married the nicest, kindest man in the world and he still buggered off when the going got tough.

This comes up a lot on here, women saying their partner totally changed, once it was too late.

This ^^

Also, because it makes the woman responsible for the situation, when she is not.

[LightenUpSummer]

We lived together 10.5 years before I trusted him enough to have dc with him. He still left.

[Nartl0ngNow]

I agree with you.
I'm 3rd generation of full time working women and was oblivious to an alternative of dad's not being 50/50.
Sure I knew dad was better at putting my hair up because his hair was long like mine and mum was better at helping me with spellings homework because she did a lot of writing at work but nothing was dads/mums allocated roles.
DP is looking to reduce his hours from next year so that when I return to work from maternity leave we will both be doing 50/50 child rearing.
His parents: how are you going to provide for your family if you reduce your hours? You're risking any promotion/career progression.
My parents: who do they think is going to parent your child?

[Bringonspring]

You sound really lucky

[ahhaohho]

This gives me the rage. I get it all the time from my parents, I can never just vent the teeniest bit about life with two toddlers who don't enjoy sleeping without "well your so lucky dh helps you out so much" helps me?! He does his fair share as do I.

This is the sort of shit that makes it harder for women to progress and it needs to stop.

[CheChe1988]

I would get annoyed if it was me. People shouldn't assume that the Dad does everything. Your husband is doing what all parents do: parenting. X

[Pinkblueberry]

So yeah op I think you’re lucky. I really do

You’ve chosen a good man

Surely ‘chosen’ is a key word there. How is it lucky to ‘choose’ a good man? I’m certainly lucky to have ‘met’ my husband - our meeting was pretty random. ‘Finding’ someone who you’re so compatible with and who makes you happy certainly is down to some degree of luck.
Choosing to live with, marry, have children with them is not luck. It’s a decision you make based on your experiences with them. Unless your in an forced marriage where your parents have chosen for you, it’s got very little to do with luck.
Similarly, meeting dickhead after dickhead is certainly bad luck. Deciding to make do with a dickhead and have children with one is not. Yes, sometimes people change and that’s bad luck - but I don’t think it’s as common as people want to make out. I think more often the problem is that people don’t change - many women stay with a partner hoping they will change, that things will get better, that if they have a child it will bring them closer and help their DP grow up, but it doesn’t tend to happen.

[ahhaohho]

It does highlight that there is still more of a societal expectation that childcare is on women.

I even found myself thinking how am I going to work xyz hours around school drop off and pick ups. DH was going to do his fair share but I still had that thought beforehand.

After a conversation with FIL about my career choices/direction when he said "that would be too much with dc" gave me the rage. I thought how the fuck is this still happening. Advice to DH would have been "the sky is your limit etc" to little old me with my vagina "don't do too much, think of the children". Madness!

[LightenUpSummer]

Well it's good to know some people think I brought it on myself when my previously wonderful xh left me

[sunflowersandtulips50]

funny thing is you see it on MN when women refer to there OH/DH as helping them with the kids ....there not bloody helping there being parents

[Daisy12Maisie]

It should be 50/50 and people shouldn't think you are lucky he is doing what he should be doing but in reality in my experience its very, very rare. Even when both partners work full time.
I know that people think my children's dad is a hero for seeing them at weekends but its just expected that I'm 95% responsible for them the rest of the time. I had as court summons (for work) that was not optional on a day I had to pick my youngest up from camp and their dad said it wasnt his problem and refused to help. Ultimately it isnt his problem. It should be but he would have just left him there and I wouldnt.
So someone who has a partner who supports them with the kids is lucky. Even if they do 20 % and you do 80% plus work full time (if and when you are back at work) that's still better than most. Shocking that's the case but it is.
I'm bringing up my boys to know it should be 50/50 and I'm sure there are some great dads out there I just cant think of any sadly.

[Daisy12Maisie]

Oh and it is luck as well as good decision making to have a good partner. A lot of domestic violence that couldn't have been predicted starts in pregnancy.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@bluevioletcrimsonsky

SleepingStandingUp, I didn't imply that you called me deluded. I was just simply asking "Am I deluded" to think the way I am. And also I didn't think the comment was only about dad taking care of children instead of mum, I just thought it just meant in general, that OP has good relationship with dh and that both happily take responsibility in taking care of children. I am simple and not British. So I may not even get the sarcasm in the first place.

Sorry blue

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU, it's ridiculous in 2020 for people to think like this.

'aww isn't he good doing that for you' and ''it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break' - He's not doing it for me, he's doing it for them and he loves spending time with them!

He'll look even more of a hero but you've made the point child care is not all about you!

'your lucky to have a Husband who babysits' - Oh he doesn't babysit for anyone else's kids, just looks after his own children.