To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

You are lucky that you have a partner who does those things though? No?

They mean well, but it is very clumsy and they probably don’t realise what a damaging view it actually is.

People sometimes comment about me, on the odd time someone has said something along the lines of “oh isn’t daddy good giving mummy a break” my son usually pipes up with “i don’t have a mummy”. That shuts them up fairly quickly!

There needs to be a huge shift in our thinking as a society of how a family works. There was the thread on here a while ago where the majority of posters were calling the OP lazy as her husband cooked dinner and fed the cat, apparently her working 20 hours, doing all childcare, cleaning, laundry, diy, gardening and admin wasn’t a worthy contribution to the family.

I'm with you on this OP. You aren't lucky your DH does his share of parenting his children. It is to be expected. It's the others who have been unlucky in their choice of partner.

I get fed up with people saying they are lucky they have a garden. It wasn't something I ever heard being said before the current pandemic. I'm not lucky to have a garden. I saved hard to buy a house with a garden. No luck involved.

I got this all the time.
The thing is, my dad always did his part with us. He is our father after all but I guess that's why I think when people.make funny comments like that they must have not grown up with a hands on father.
If I look at DH's family they grew up differently but then all the aunties were around helping out so the father didn't need to do much. I dunno!

This is a tough one I think because you're right it should be the norm and therefore you shouldn't be considered lucky. However, when there are still so many men who don't pull their weight, I would probably consider myself lucky that I'd found one who had.

My friend often says things like this about involved father's. Because her daughter's dad is a shit who doesn't give her any money or see his daughter regularly at all. Really kids aren't lucky to have an involved dad, they should all have one as standard. But to her they are lucky, because she doesn't haven't that and she wishes she did.

It's irritating when it happens but it happened when mine were small 20 years ago and it will carry on happening I think.

Just smile and say nothing or say 'yes, especially as I had an affair with his brother and they are his nieces/nephews not daughters/sons' and watch their face.

I wonder, very seriously, why any sensible woman would consider procreating with a man child. Don't get me wrong, I adore my one DC, but the responsibility of parenthood is a shared responsibility. I changed more nappies in infancy, but now DC plays questions past both of us fairly equally depending on the question.

That bloody awful phrase “Daddy Daycare” gets my goat. Just awful.

My (adult) niece replies, every time she doesn’t have the dc with her and is asked whether their dad is babysitting, ‘nope, just parenting’.

I remember my mum used to be in rhapsodies about how lucky my sister was every time BIL so much as wiped down the worktop or heated up a pizza for the kids. I suppose though, from mum’s point of view, it was lucky. Our dad never lifted a finger and mum was very much of the opinion/background that that was the norm and all you could expect. Sad it’s still the case for so many though.

Oh I hate this! No one ever tells DH he is lucky because I look after the kids while he has a break!

We both go away with friends for a weekend a couple of times a year each - when the kids were little people would always be shocked that DH “let” me go away and he would get offers of dinners made, help with the ids while I was away etc. I never got anything similar when he was away!
Very annoying. My husband doesn’t babysit. He parents!

Can you just imagine everyone gushing about everything a wife does? Wouldn't happen and it's absurd. He should parent his own children although my ex did nothing.

I think it’s also about your levels of expectation as a parent and what you are prepared to accept. When we decided to have kids (and we both decided we wanted them) we spoke about what our expectations were. I wasn’t lucky that I chose a man who was a committed father, I actively looked for that. We then entered into parenthood on a level playground, we both knew what was expected and that was that we would co-parent, which meant to us pretty much 50/50. Even when I was on maternity leave my husband would deal with the kids as soon as he was home and get up in the night. I just wasn’t prepared to accept anything less and my view (and his) is that it’s hard work to look after the home and children and we are both doing that job together.

I agree with you OP. I am divorced but my ex is a very involved father and I get told I'm lucky all the time because he pays maintenance and sees DS. I don't think of myself as "lucky" that he is being a parent, I bet no one tells him he's lucky that I do the majority of childcare so he can work shifts without interruption.

My ex fil never lifted a finger, I mean nothing, never seen him make a cup of tea. My mil waited on him hand and foot. Run his bath laid his clothes out cooked all meals brought them to him, took the empty plate away I could go on.
My ex didn’t do half as much as my sons now do but he was hailed as a hero. This is a long winded way of saying it depends what you’re used to. Bloody annoying though. Really annoying when my ex didn’t correct people just basked in the glory.

People mean well and think they're being nice, but it does need challenging.

My husband did once get told he was lucky, when I 'let' him out for beers with friends while I was home with the kid. I found that offensive to both of us 😄hubs couldn't care less.

Casual sexism. YANBU OP

YABNU of course.

I get told I'm lucky, as xh has the dc 2 nights a week. I literally do everything and pay for everything, despite ONLY having kids on the basis there'd be two of us. I'm gutted, heartbroken, betrayed, poor and knackered, and apparently that's lucky.

My daughter has been married 10 years. When they first got together people kept saying "where did you find a man who'd do that?" whenever she mentioned, he'd cooked or cleaned etc. Her response "the 21st Century" They have a 7 year old now and share everything equally

I bumped into someone I know recently (he knows I'm married) when I was shopping and I got a weird look followed by a "where is your baby?" - erm, she's with her dad.

"Oh you're very lucky he'll look after her" Am I? Really? Because I'm fairly sure that's what parents do

YANBU

Yeah I'd find it irritating too.

In our family DH works away a lot, and during that time I do all the family stuff. He more than pulls his weight when he's at home but he's just not home that much.

Since March he's been working from home and he's done 3/4 of the food shopping and cooking, and planned almost all of the meals. He's loved it but I think it's also been good for him to be reminded that there is a lot of work involved in looking after a family, and he appreciates me more.

You're right of course but you could choose to feel sorry for them. Their comments probably reflect their own life experience.

Think I would try looking initially very blank and puzzled. 🤔

And then ** "Oh no, sorry, I think there's been some mistake - they're HIS children. He's the father. Sorry if you were a bit confused!"

Whenever I get such comments about 'being lucky' I reply that it wasn't luck, I made sure I chose a man who I knew would be a good parent!