To be sick of being told how lucky I am

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

1. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

1. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"

I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

Yanbu. And the fact that others have bad experiences doesn’t change that fact.

Itt’s not that you’re lucky, it’s that they’re unlucky

My eXH is an ex for many reasons, but he always did his fair share of parenting. I always got up in the night to do feeds and nappy changes etc because he was the one at work, but if DS was ill we would both be up.

This isn't something to get irritated by

Disagree. I think its GOOD to be irritated by it- why the fck should we accept a society where men who do the bare minimum get praised and called angels because of it? wheres that praise for women who do all that stuff? oh thats right- it doesnt exist. Would you praise a man because he doesnt beat his wife/partner? would you tell him "aw its so lovely he doesnt beat you black and blue!- ur so lucky!"- no, because not doing that is the very basic level of behaviour that we should expect.

Perhaps when we stop acting as if men are doing us a huge favour by looking after their own bloody kids we'll start to erode some of that vile patriarchal thinking that its "a woman job".

@Itsallpointless, I can understand how your life experiences lead you to feel how you do. I'm sure all of us would look at someone who is enjoying something that simply wasn't on the cards when we were in the same position, and think to ourselves, "You are lucky".

But even a seemingly harmless comment like "isn't he good with them" is so damaging. It reinforces the idea that a father being "good" (whatever that means) is something so remarkable that it deserves commenting on. How often would a man say to his male neighbour "your wife is so good with your kids", because she plays with them, taking them to school occasionally and reads them a bedtime story. Never.

tbh most men I know, who have children now, are actively involved in their children and the household.

If a family does choose to have traditional roles then good for them. No reason why not as both partners are agreeing/accepting it.

If I friend/neighbour said it was nice of dh to put the kids to bed/go to supermarket etc I would laugh out loud and tell them why. I would not get offended or defensive about it, it is probably common enough with some families and older parents that people still assume based on their own experiences.

@Wishihadanalgorithm

OP, I would always turn around and say: “I’m not lucky I just chose to procreate with a man who takes HIS responsibilities seriously. I am assuming by your comment, you didn’t?“ Turn it back to other people every time, make them wonder why they have it so wrong. I promise you won’t feel annoyed after that.

So many people in this thread suggesting similarly rude responses to someone just trying to be nice, and who hasn't been as fortunate. What exactly do you expect to gain from being so unpleasant?

And yep, I had a super involved husband who shared all parenting and household tasks with me. But it wouldn't occur to me to be snarky with a pleasant checkout operator for daring to be nice. I did actually know I was lucky.

Arnt you lucky to have a caring partner?

I know I'm lucky that my DH is a good dad, I grew up with a single mother so I understand how blessed I am to have a partner who supports me in everything.

For the people who asked about my replies
To the friend I'll be honest I didn't say anything because she really only ever calls me to vent about her lazy husband, how she's doing all the work now I'm on maternity and how the kids are driving her mad so I thought replying would just set her off again

I replied in a joking way to the neighbour "oh he's only took them to get out of they cleaning up"

They cashier I just said "well no they are half his"

I've heard it for years, I remember my MiL once scolding me for not thanking DH for hoovering up (I'm not going to get into the mother in law that's an entire other story 😂)
I think it's just gotten to me more during lockdown that even today we still live in such a sexist world

OP, I would always turn around and say: “I’m not lucky I just chose to procreate with a man who takes HIS responsibilities seriously. I am assuming by your comment, you didn’t?“

For gods sake, do NOT say this to people!

My suggestion is to laugh and say “Yes, it’s almost like he is their parent too!”.

YANBU this massively winds me up. A week after DS was born I was readmitted to hospital for 4 nights, without DS. So my husband had to look after him at home. So many people said 'isn't it wonderful he did that', 'not many men would have done that', 'you're so lucky to have such a great husband'. I would like to think that most men would do the same in the circumstances he didn't have much choice. He actually found it quite insulting that people have such low expectations of men when it comes to childcare!

You need to follow ‘man who has it all’ on Twitter.

Nobody has ever told me I'm good with my children because I take them the park

Nobody has ever told my husband he's lucky to have me because I bath the kids

And when he goes out with the lads I don't imagine they tell him how good I am for "babysitting"

Wow to the poster who said 'i just chose to procreate with....'. Seriously do you think most women chose someone thinking they would turn out a crap partner? It's ok to point out this should be the norm, it's not ok to offend someone whose partner didn't turn out to be what it said on the tin.

OP, I would always turn around and say: “I’m not lucky I just chose to procreate with a man who takes HIS responsibilities seriously. I am assuming by your comment, you didn’t?“

For gods sake, do NOT say this to people!

Yes. Especially anyone you know.

YANBU!
This irritates me so much.
There was a point when me and the baby were cosleeping in the main bed and my husband was sleeping in the spare room. People were CONSTANTLY telling me how bad they felt for poor old husband being kicked out of the bed.
I can guarantee that if he had been sleeping (waking!) In the main bed with the baby and I had been getting a full night in the spare bed that nobody would have felt bad for me I would have been deemed downright lazy.
Disclaimer: we were happy with the arrangement as it worked for us at the time.

So you want people to keep praising you for parenting?

@Orangeblossom78
No not at all I'm just pointing out that it's just expected of mothers but it's like a father has just completed some Nobel deed for bathing his kid

@FirstTimeMummyDS88

Nobody has ever told me I'm good with my children because I take them the park

Nobody has ever told my husband he's lucky to have me because I bath the kids

And when he goes out with the lads I don't imagine they tell him how good I am for "babysitting"

Well I'll tell you 😃. You are good mum who does her best for her kids. Your husband is 'so lucky to have you helping out' 😉

So you want people to keep praising you for parenting?
Don't be stupid. I assume you're being wilfully so?

I think people are just trying to be nice.

You could be in a very small boat who has a supportive partner/parent for your children together.

YANBU

YANBU

This really pisses me off!

Yeah it's annoying isn't it. The one thing that really winds me up is when people refer to a Dad 'babysitting'- it's not babysitting when it's your own children!!

Similar to people who comment that it's nice that my OH sometimes cooks dinner. Why shouldn't he?! He even baked a cake today, that shocks people too!

I get this already (and the baby isn't born yet!) because we have decided to go 50:50 shared parental leave! So many people raise their eyebrows like it's something new. I'm like "hello I have a career too! And we made the decision together to have this child so yea 50/50!"

I've also had an older male colleague state "it was MY choice to get pregnant" because I dared to say I missed my day job (had to change roles due to health and safety) oh I'm sorry my DP is male and can't carry the baby! It was a joint decision not MY decision! He was taken back when I asked how many children he had, and how it affected his career/body/lifestyle in comparison to his partners.

DP has also received comments about shared parental leave "oh you will have 2 weeks off and come back to work because you will be bored/tired/need man time etc." The expectation is for me to suddenly drop my career and take over if this happens! DP has had to correct them that he is family oriented and will not be returning after 2 weeks under any circumstances and he is in fact thinking of being a SAHD!

Ha sorry to rant but this is a real trigger!

You're right, as a father he should do his share of parenting BUT the reality is most father's dont. I wish my DH did the things you mention.