To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

Just sell them, or give them away. Same for your nephew's clothes. Check with your sister if she wants them back and if not just get rid. Ok, it's a hassle but try not to stress too much about it.

Out of interest what nappies did she buy you? I'm needing some for my lass.

You can always refuse to accept the package.

You can also ask her why she's decided for you. Ask her why she thinks she can decide for you. Keep asking her why.

How do you normally deal with her being overbearing? The nappies I (personally) would be completely nonplussed by and would ask why she thinks I’ll be using them? Everything else is totally nuts, but that’s easy to say because my mum would never behave like that.

I think how you normally deal with her bullshit is important because it sounds like if you try and go NC she’ll just order shit to our house and sign you up for crap you don’t want.

I would encourage getting used to saying ‘no thanks’ while you’re pregnant. Because once your baby is born she is going to want to take over a lot, you’ll need to have some strong ground rules and consequences if she breaks them.

Are you really ‘sensitive and neurotic’? Or are you these things as a result of her behaviour?

Is it worth getting stressed about. They arrive, you pack them in a box and forget them. She asks at some point how are the reusable nappies and you lie. She asks why baby isn't in them.. You lie that they're in the wash.

I would tell my mother I was thinking of buying DS a certain video for Xmas and she'd get it and give it to him a few days before Xmas.. I once said for his 13th i was picking up a portable dvd player at the weekend...guess what she did!!! When I asked her why she said you hadn't given him the dvd player yet so I did... It was a month before his birthday..

My initial thought on just reading the title was of course YABU, reusables can be a big initial outlay and it's a generous gift.

However, reading the background about your relationship with your mother then I would say YADNBU, as it appears to be part of a pattern of making decisions for you.

If you do want to use reusables, perhaps sell on the ones she's bought and put the money towards the ones which are right for you, and let her know you've done this.

Learn the word "No"

You'll be using it a lot with her, once you've had your baby.

Fwiw, my MIL did this. She ordered reusable nappies for me and made a big fuss about using them, then I found out she used disposables for DH the whole time.

I mentioned it to her, and reusables were never brought up again

They have great resale value OP. Find the Facebook group for that particular brand or the cloth nappy resale/advice group.
Also get counselling re assertiveness.

Also, speak directly with your aunt and tell her not to do anything your mother asks without checking with you first. It's her you should be saying not to send anything. Your mother, just thank her for letting you know she did that.

MrMagooInTheLoo

Is it worth getting stressed about. They arrive, you pack them in a box and forget them. She asks at some point how are the reusable nappies and you lie. She asks why baby isn't in them.. You lie that they're in the wash.

Why should the OP have to lie?

If she makes a decision about her child it should be respected. If she lies it just sets a precedent for this kind of thing.

don't lie and tell her they are in the wash. Just say clearly that you have decided not to use them. End of discussion. You will have to draw up your boundaries now.

She’s a horrible person.
Start saying no now as things will get harder when you have your baby.

she doesn't 'love' you really.
you're narcissistic supply for her........she treats you like shit and you keep going back for more.

she's going to get worse when YOUR baby is here!

You need to start asserting yourself with her now, otherwise she's going to bulldoze you when you've just given birth and are too tired to stand up top her.
Why isn't your husband helping you deal with her?
why can't you just tell her straight "back off! i don't want you making ANY decisions where my pregnancy/baby/life is concerned" ?

you're not powerless.
you CAN put a stop to her bullying and bossing you around.

Washable nappies should be default for the sake of the environment. Even half and half is a good effort. You shouldn't give in to your mother over anything never mind the clothes though and you need to call your family and tell them not to send them. Time to get assertive.

You need to re-read the first 5 sentences of your second paragraph. She’s bossy & controlling, your sensitive & anxious. There’s a link there don’t you think?

You cannot allow this to carry on & let your child witness your mother treating you like this. You have to put in firm boundaries or go low contact.

You're not neurotic. Sensitive maybe, but that is not a bad thing. I've always been the 'neurotic', overly dramatic person in our family supposedly. It's taken me 44 years to realise that sensitive isn't a character flaw and talking about how I feel doesn't make me neurotic.
Your mother sounds very difficult to deal with. When your baby arrives, you'll be very protective of them and will probably be able to say no more easily. I certainly became more assertive when DD1 arrived, as I was fighting their corner, not my own.

YANBU. She doesn’t get to make those decisions for you; sell them.

There’s absolutely no way I’d ever use reusable nappies. They’re just absolutely grim🤮

This is not really about the nappies...her behaviour is completely unreasonable. No wonder you are anxious.
You need to start being much more assertive and clear in your communication with her, so that she is in no doubt of your feelings. And you need to set some boundaries now. It will get much worse once you have a baby. Get your husband on board and agree a united front.
Ask that your mother checks before buying or sending you things. If you don't like what she gives you, pass it on to someone else. It's impossible to completely stop people buying unwanted crap for your baby, but don't feel obliged to use it or guilty.
My family are not as bad as yours, but I had to be quite firm to stop them all just coming over constantly and staying all day. It was totally worth the initial difficulty in speaking out, to be able to relax and enjoy the baby without the fear of people I didn't really like hanging round all the time. ( they all still visit but at pre arranged times)

She’s trying to help and support you. You’ll have loads more to worry about when baby arrives. Once you’re a mum yourself you might find you give your own mum a break a bit as you’ll realise how much she loves you and that she’s only doing her best, same as you will with your little one.

Are you the mum Ferntwist ?

Support does not equal making parenting choices for someone else or overriding their wishes, plus insisting for 5 minutes that she accepts second hand clothes from her sister.

The whole anxiety thing makes me think it’s purely because of your mother, OP. You need really strong boundaries before the baby arrives. How did your sister cope?

She isn't trying to help and support. She's interfering and undermining the op.
Start saying no, its only going to get worse when the baby arrives.

They are expensive and good for the environment. Even if you hate your mum just accept these. Nappies aren’t a joint parenting decision - it’s a decision the person who will be doing the bulk of the changing / washing needs to make. If thats you and you want them then just take them.

Move to a different country. It helps. A Lot!

Wish mine had been that interested.