To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

[loveyouradvice]

Why don't you try what you've done on here? Say that you know she loves you a lot and wants the best for you and that you want to have a discussion about your relationship now that you are about to be a mother yourself. Perhaps say that you would like to have a deeper closer relationship but that is only possible if you make your own decisions and that if you can't it's going to mean that you have to see less of her. Be totally honest and loving and help her understand what she is doing. She really does love you and just doesn't know quite how to do it and has got into this pattern. She can change especially if you are strong, consistent and loving. My mum was like this and it is one of my great joys seeing her relationship with my daughter. Sending you love and strength

[alreadytaken]

well you could give them a try as they are better for the environment but you dont have to stick with them. You can then say we tried them and didnt like it so we sold them on and bought disposables.

I agree that you need to put better boundaries in place though, learn to say thank you but no.

[oceany]

Have a visit to the Stately Homes thread.

[earthyfire]

My mum was very controlling when I was pregnant with my first baby, she insisting on rushing out to buy everything and things I didn't want or need. I put my foot down when she said she and my dad had chosen the cot. It wasn't the one I had wanted and to be honest I really wanted to do this sort of stuff with my husband. A couple fo years down the line I told her to stop wasting her money because I was having to sell or giving the things away as I didn't need or have the room for the things she was buying; this seemed to register with her, she didn't like the thought of me doing that. However, she then started to try and organise my kids birthday parties and cakes. Oddly she had never ever organised a birthday party for me or any of my siblings when we were kids! Again, I had to be firm and once I started doing this my mum realised I wasn't going to be constantly controlled.

[earthyfire]

Sorry few typos...

[Cherryhill22]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It is really helpful to get the views of people outside the situation. I think the nappies themselves may be something we could consider using but I think its in the context of the situation that has upset me more. I have definitely taken on board that I need to establish boundaries with her and potentially will look into counselling in the future to help me feel strong enough to feel assertive with her. Thank you again.

[TiddlestheCat]

Wow OP. I'm wondering if we were separated at birth and have the same mother. Mine too can be pretty overbearing and has driven me to anxiety. My suspicions are that she is equally anxious and doesn't have enough going on in her life but that she will never admit that, as she views mental health problems as something to be embarrassed about.

[TiddlestheCat]

You'll find that your assertiveness will most probably grow once you're a mother yourself! You may still be just as sensitive, but you will find yourself standing your ground and defending your family more.

[TheSandman]

I haven't read the whole thread so don't jump on me if this has been covered.


Is this your first child, OP? If it is, just accept the help that is offered. Yes disposables are wasteful. But you don't HAVE to use them in anything other than emergencies.

[PanamaPattie]

OP - wake up. Your Mother doesn’t love you - she controls you. If you don’t stop her now, you might as well give her your baby because she will take over and do whatever she wants. Unless you learn to say no to her and stop her pushing you around this will be your life.

[RhianFuckingMorris]

Someone bought me reusable.nappies. 16 years ago this was. I put them in a drawer. Iused disposables most of the time but.a few times we got snowed in it was reassuring they were there for back up. 4 kids later they g it used a handful of times and passed on to my brother and his 3 kids.
Second hand baby clothes isn't an issue really. Pick out a few bits you like (if any) and again either get rid of what you don't want (if your sister dies not want them back). Clothing banks ate everywhere. Bung in a carrier bag is the only effort needed.
I don't think this is worth getting upset about. Most friends and family hand stuff around or buy (sometimes unwanted) gifts when there us a new baby. Just be gracious and polite and do with it what suits you.

[WhatTiggersDoBest]

I have mixed thoughts on this one. They are good for the environment. Most people who have reusable nappies don't use them 100% of the time (or in the newborn stage). But it must be infuriating that you didn't get to pick your own nappies with the prints/colours you wanted, or researching the different types of reusable nappy. They're so individual as to what works for each baby. I would find my local preloved nappy buy/sell group, offload the ones I didn't want, and try reusables at my own pace. Objectively, reusable nappies are good (and dead expensive) but at the same time your mum's behaviour is not on, she shouldn't be riding roughshod over you, she had her turn at raising kids and now it's your turn.

[missingeu]

Having a controlling mother is difficult - as you can't control her, but through years off despair I've learnt you control how react.

Start setting boundaries now.
Re: the nappies, put them aside - until you decide what you want to do.
Try to be firm but polite with your decisions e.g. thank you for nappies but I haven't decided what I'll do yet. ove me slightly mad.

Be prepared for any decision you make that aren't to you mum's choice to be crtiised beyond belive.. but remember their are you're decisions and its your baby.

The relationship you'll have with your DC will be yours alone, you will be their mother and you can choose what kind off mother you are. Sometimes, I have to stop and think - am I doing this because my mum would or because I want too. For years, I'd argue with DD re tidying her room - and then finally realisled it didn't matter. Our relationship mattered more than a tidy room.

Congrats on pregnancy and am sure you're be a wonderful mum.

[billy1966]

OP,
She certainly doesn't sound loving to me.

Trampling all over someone is not love.

We don't own our children.

We can offer advice and hope they can benefit from our experience but ultimately we have to allow them to do their thing.

Your mother sounds like the sort of pain in the ass that would definitely give someone a nervous breakdown.

Please, please get some counselling NOW.

She will ruin your precious early months with your baby, running rough shod all over your choices.

You need counselling and you need to back away from this woman.

Don't allow her to become a dominant force in your new family's life.

Mother's can be such a wonderful support at a time like this but yours sounds poisonous.

I would bet ALL of your issues are a result of her relentless dominance of you.

You sound extremely level headed.

Get support to pull away and tell her No.

[Raaaa]

If we're me I'd accept them for an easy life and then donate/sell the clothes and nappies

[YourHandInMyHand]

You need to get stronger boundaries in place NOW before lockdown ends and your baby is here.

Limit contact or even go no contact but I suspect that may take a while in counselling.

My Nanna is like this to my mum. My mum is nearing retirement age and my nana has had her in tears over the phone this week! I'm pretty sure my nana will bully my mum until she passes away. All I remember of my nana during my childhood is how relentlessly pushy she was, how she bullied my mum and dominated our family life. My mum is a lovely, sensitive, caring person and I get you are too.

This isn't about the nappies. It's about your mum bullying you and having no boundaries.

[LockdownLoppy]

You can't change her but you can change how you react to her! Time to put your foot down. If you want the nappies then accept them, if not tell her and refuse them / send them back. It sounds like reducing contact would be a good thing, have a think about what would work for you and set some boundaries.

[Anotherchangeanothername]

@LittleDappledLeaf you are amazing ill informed about reusable nappies.
I’ve never used liners, never used expensive chemicals, and it didn’t add too much to the loads. Please stop spreading rubbish about them!

OP- I get it, it’s not about reusable nappies. Honestly my mum is a bit like this and I just shut her down and tell her no. First boundary is hard, but it becomes easier as time goes on! Good luck

[Auridon4life]

Ask if she's gonna pick them up and wash then bring them back because you are trying to save on energy!

[Standrewsschool]

Start putting in boundaries now.

Tell her that it was very kind of her to offer the nappies, but you and dh have decided to use normal nappies,

Up if she is relentless on the phone, start making 3xvuses to leave the conversation - someone at the door etc.

If you don’t start saying no now, you’ll regret itvfurther down the line.

[cabingirl]

If you're not ready yet to have the full-on boundry setting conversation with your mother, it doesn't mean you have to use the stuff she sends you or do the things she tells you to do.

Buy a big plastic storage box or two - put everything - nappies, clothes, toys whatever she sends you that you don't want in it - stick it in the garage and forget about it.

Anytime she asks about the stuff gesture vaguely, shrug your shoulders and say "It's around here somewhere"

When you are ready - post pregnancy hormones etc. Tell her your boundries - I suspect you will find your inner Mum strength once the baby is born.

[Marleymoo42]

Before you make a decision about how to address this, be clear in your mind how you would feel if your relationship broke down with her. I have some quite controlling relatives and I have decided that the backlash I would get for confronting their behaviour would be worse than their behaviour. But we're all different.

I do have the benefit of distance which you might not have but I have just learnt to not take it personally or follow their advice and just not really engage with it. I Just smile and nod and let it go over my head. It affects me a lot less than it used to.

Another tactic is to be one step of the game (or if you're not, just lie and be a bit patronising) 'Oh that's SO thoughtful of you but I've already bought second hand ones off Ebay. I felt that was a much greener option and saved me so much money' The aim is to always have the upper hand and show that you are not sensitive or even bothered by their attempts to be controlling.

[LittleDappledLeaf]

Anotherchangeanothername and you’re amazingly rude, because it wasn’t your experience.

Stop spreading your opinions..or experience as if it’s better than someone else’s.

[Happymum12345]

Goodness me, your mother sounds. Don’t give the nappies any more thought. Stuff them in a cupboard to deal with later. Ask your dh to speak to your mum & be firm. Let her know how you feel, without blaming her. She does love you, of course she does. She sounds over protective & over barring. You will be fine when the baby arrives. You’ll show her how to parent well. My mum, has said she has learnt a lot from watching me with my dc. She was very strict & bossy when I was younger but has calmed down an awful lot lately. All the best with your situation

[Winterwoollies]

I bet you’re not ‘sensitive and neurotic’, and it it is in fact just a reaction to being worn down by an overbearing, pain in the backside mother. She sounds truly dreadful.

If you don’t want to use the reuseable nappies, give them back to her and tell her you’ll choose what nappies to use for your own child.

Also, I was worried about being knackered and overwhelmed as a new parent so I opted for disposables to start with. You can always change in the future but if YOU decide, not your dreadful mother.

Good luck and try to put a good distance between you and her when your baby is born so she doesn’t pounce when you’re at your most vulnerable and control everything.