To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

[Givingup123456]

Just say thank you then don't use them...

[Mintjulia]

Op, I had all sorts of weird gifts and weird advice when I had ds.

I found the best way to deal with them all was to smile sweetly, say thanks and then do and/or buy what you want, without reference to anyone else.

Then 12 months down the line, take all the unused stuff to an NCT sale.

[KeirStarmerDonkeyFarmer]

Practise this OP:

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

accept all gifts politely or say 'No thanks' and keep saying 'no thanks'

[WeAllHaveWings]

Yes, it's your decision but it's still a gift, thank her and tell her you'll give them a go and either do or don't try them, if you don't like just tell her you prefer disposables and ask if she wants them back and if not sell.

Look through sisters things and see if anything is suitable, they grow our of clothes so quickly you might be thankful of them later.

[speakout]

I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make.

It is - and remains that decision. Don't accept them from the delivery guy, give them away or sell them.

Take control.

[LikeGlitterandGold]

Don't listen to @ferntwist.

You need to start saying no to her. If she tries to talk you into accepting her ideas, just hang up the phone. This will only get worse once the baby arrives and you need to get used to standing up to her. The first time will be hard but it will get easier.

[TriciaH]

Send them back. Tell her it's your child you will decide for yourself what your baby has. Contact the person with the clothes and say your mum made a mistake as you already have kitted baby out with gear and simply do not have the space for more. Put her in her place now or it will get much worse once the baby arrives.

[JellyfishandShells]

I’m still stuck on her advertising for a tenant for your house !!

The nappies pale into insignificance against all the life choices she has become over involved in, but maybe if they are the straw that breaks the camel’s then they may be the most important.

[Throughabushbackwards]

My mother was exactly like this before I realised how overbearing she was being. I made a choice to grow up and started saying no. She took it badly the first few times but our relationship is better for it now. As pp have said, maybe have some counselling to help your confidence and assertiveness if you can't take her on.

[JellyfishandShells]

camel)s back, that should say

[ArthurMorgan]

I think some pp have neglected to read that she advertised a room to rent in YOUR house! This isn't about the nappies, this isn't about you being sensitive, this is about your mothers behaviour being completely over bearing and downright unacceptable! I would start learning the word "no" as soon as possible and any reaction from your mother is her own problem not yours.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

You need to work on your boundaries.
She's ordered the nappies. That doesn't mean you need to accept them or use them. She hasn't made a decision for you at all. You need to get out of that mindset. The only decision she made was to spend her money on nappies. It has no impact or bearing on any of your parenting decisions.
Some basic visualisation boundary techniques might help you. You could imagine you are in a bubble every time you're feeling overwhelmed by her. Then imagine her words/ideas/suggestions bouncing off the bubble. You don't need to take them in or respond to them unless you choose to.
If you find it difficult to draw boundaries for yourself, imagine you're making them for your DC. You're defending your baby's right to have you make decisions for them.

[merrytombombadil]

Sounds a lot like someone I know who has borderline personality disorder - it's sad because she treats her kids horribly under the guise of love and it is the kids that end up apologising.

[Cyberattack]

I think your mum is probably the 'neurotic' one as she probably thinks she is trying to support you and ends up being over-protective and intrusive.

[MumInBrussels]

Your mum is a controlling cow. This is your baby, you and your husband are the only ones who need to be involved in any decision. If your mother wanted to help, she should be encouraging and supporting you in making your own decisions, not steamrollering over you.

You don't sound oversensitive to me, and of course you'll be strong enough to be a mum! What kind of a person says otherwise to anyone who's told them they're pregnant, let alone their own daughter?!

It's not compulsory to see or talk to your parents. Even if you're having a baby. I think some counselling, if possible, might help you unpick some of the tangle around "things you actually think need fixing yourself" and "things your overbearing mother has conditioned you to think" and help you set up some boundaries between you and her. It's your life, not hers. Your baby, not hers. And your decisions, all of them, big and small. Not hers. Until she understands and accepts that, I'd be talking to her a lot less. Possibly not at all. She is not being helpful and loving and supportive, and it doesn't sound like she ever has been. She's undermined and criticised you at key points throughout your life, and those are just the ones you mentioned. You don't need more of it.

[SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness]

Accept the delivery, keep them, sell them on as new. You could get a fair bit of money for them. Your mother obviously isn't interested in what you actually want, it will be less hassle just to keep quiet & tell her you're using them. Or you can, if you want, decide to try them out - but it would be your decision.

Refuse the clothes. It's a big hassle getting rid of used baby clothes, unless you're willing to dump the lot at a charity shop.

YANBU.

[pigsDOfly]

I feel guilty because she means well

Well that's how she gets you OP, the guilt.

And no she doesn't 'mean well'. She puts you down, she tries to control everything you do, and no that isn't a sign that she loves you a lot, it's a sign she want to be in control of your life; don't confuse the two things.

For your own well being you need to learn how to say 'no' to her.

And whatever you do don't start lying to cover up the fact that you are not using the things she send you, be that nappies or anything else, that just perpetuating her control over your life.

Standing in front of your mirror and teach yourself to say no.

Washable nappies should be default for the sake of the environment.

There's no 'should' about it.

If the OP doesn't want to use them, she has no obligation to do so. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for someone else.

[gamerchick]

I was ready to come on and say dont dismiss them, those things cost a fair bit and will come in handy.

But this isnt about the nappies is it?

There will come a point where you will stand up to your mother and it'll feel like your stomach is coming out your backside but it'll feel good and it'll get easier each time you do it.

How did you handle the tenant thing? I'll bet it was better than you thought.

[SpilltheTea]

Your Mum is the one with serious issues, not you. She's trying to micromanage your entire life and I'd tell her to jog on. Say thanks but you won't be using the nappies and sell on the clothes. Stop enabling her controlling behaviour.

[nowayhose]

It's going to be difficult to change the boundaries of your relationship with your mother as they've been insitu for decades, but you DO need to change them.

Enlist help and support from your husband and practice saying 'no thank you' and 'we've decided to not use ......for our baby, so I'll have to return it to you when it arrives'. Get your DH to pretend to be her and run over your replies again and again.

She'll try her hardest to resist the change, probably by trying to get you alone and do her usual routine of 'telling' you what you're going to do......but do not worry if you cave in initially, just phone or email her later and say ' I've been thinking about (whatever), and I've changed my mind, I DEFINITELY won't be doing/ using that, but thanks for the suggestion'

It'll take a lot of effort, but it WILL be worth it. Eventually she'll recognise that things HAVE changed and get used to it.

[heartsonacake]

Washable nappies should be default for the sake of the environment.

SunshineCake No, they shouldn’t. My baby, my choice what nappies to use. There’s no way in hell I’d ever touch a reusable nappy.

[ohthegoats]

This is not an issue.

"Thanks, I'm not sure about them but I'll give them a try"

Never use them.

Done.