To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

[WiseOwl69]

@20mum Really? 😂😂😂 us using disposable nappies is not great for the environment but is negligible compared to the pollution etc from large corporations. I hope you buy from clothes shops with transparent supply chains, factories that don’t pollute water supplies etc. Oh and no electronics like phones or TVs.

Also is this the time or place? OP is clearly having issues with an overbearing mother, no need to try and weirdly guilt her by claiming you know what her unborn child will think in future years.

Anyway!! OP your mum is overbearing. You need to learn to say no. That’s going to be hard so feel free to practice first in a mirror. And a “no” doesn’t need justification so learn to just say “no thank you, I don’t want xyz” and not say “because...”.

Start setting boundaries now otherwise you’ll be doomed once baby is here. You’ll end up making her tea and washing up whilst she cuddles your baby on the sofa.

And don’t feel guilted by her, it’s not helping if you don’t need or want the items/assistance.

[recycledbottle]

It is very difficult to keep a controlling parent at bay. You have been taught from birth that their needs trump yours. When they trample on your boundaries and you complain you are called sensitive,awkward,difficult , selfish and you just dont appreciate everything your parent has given you. I would suggest that you do not use her for babysitting/childcare. Counselling may help.

[20mum]

A baby hasn't the slightest notion how many previous owners his clothes have adorned for a very brief time before being outgrown. A small number of reused clothes, prams, nappies etc. can be of a higher quality and still be affordable.

Look up the statistics on landfill and pollution. Bear in mind this is not anybody's private planet. What colour any of us choose for paint, or clothes, is nobody's concern. But setting fire to paint or clothes, or chucking them in landfill, or choosing what has been imported and has caused vast destruction and pollution in manufacturing is everyone's business. Above all, it is the business of children, and their children. Climate Emergency hasn't gone away, in the Covid crisis. There are only a few precious years to avert the tipping point.

Sneering at Greta won't be enough to make our planet habitable for us, let alone future human life. The human population has doubled in a lifetime, so it isn't only the corona virus reproduction rate we need to get down. Those of us with a child have even more reason to care about our responsibilities to the planett.

Any avoidable consumption is unforgivable.

[Eckhart]

Gosh, @20mum, it's a good job we have your example of 'how to be perfect' to model ourselves around, otherwise we'd be lost, wouldn't we!

No wonder the planet's in such a mess - we've all been waiting for you to come along to instruct everybody on how to live better lives.

I find your attitude unforgivable. Luckily I have as little power as you, and I assume you'll just carry on regardless of my opinion. As will everybody else, regardless of your opinion.

[Raaaa]

@20mum you sounds crazy

[Durgasarrow]

I would never use washable nappies. Yuck. Especially not in the UK, where your washing machines are in your kitchens and therefore fecal particles are in the same room with your food. No, thank you. I would ignore that virtue-signaling parcel from your mother completely. Just gray-rock it as if it has fuck-all to do with you. By sending it to you, it is as if she's setting up a game of chess she wants you to play with her. But you do not have to play chess if you do not want to. You are an adult. If she brings it up, all you have to say is, "I prefer to speak of other things."

[20mum]

P.S. Caring about our planet doesn't stop me sympathising with you! Standing up to your mother doesn't stop you caring for the next couple of centuries of the planet. Not caring is unforgivable, especially for parents.
I have tried to be an ethical and minimal consumer, ( not least from lack of money!,) but before I knew, I did any number of things, such as flying, and buying single use plastic, which the next generation, if they survive at all, will find appalling. I didn't know, but everyone knows now.

Look up how long throwaway nappies last in landfill. Other posters have rightly mentioned that a stock of cloth ones involves an initial outlay, even though it is obviously nearly cost free afterwards. But they also say your mother's gift means it's all free, for you.

She doesn't exactly treat you with respect (!) But cutting off your nose to spite your mother will spite you, spite our planet and spite your child.

Nothing is new once it leaves the shop, and baby clothes can be outgrown and ready to throw away or give away within just a few wearings. Charity shops are guilt free sources of clothing and baby gear, as well as interesting places to search for adult clothes, often good quality.

By the way, you have an excellent mother in one way......She is a good warning of how not to do it. Like having a mother whose house is always choking with cigarette smoke, or a mother always falling round drunk, it often makes the child decide to do the opposite. It seems likely you will treat your child with great respect, don't you think?

All best wishes to you, and sincerely, I wish you great good luck with, in time, courteously potty training your child, while politely but firmly re-training the grandparents to have a better balanced relationship with you. You can do it. Others have told you, you have the strength, and after all, you know you are the better person .

[2Rebecca]

You do sound as though you care too much about her opinions. She sounds overbearing and bossy but she doesnt get a say on what house you buy or whether or not you have a lodger. She only wittered on for 5 minutes about your sister's baby clothes because you didn't say "bye got to go now speak again soon" and put the phone down. The nappies may be useful but her ordering them was inappropriate and dysfunctional but then she is.

[NeutrinoWrangler]

Despite the thread title and some of the responses, the nappies aren't the real issue here. (Even if you don't end up using them, they might be good to have in case of an emergency.) However, I can see how they may seem like a bigger problem than they are, since they're the latest in a pattern of domineering behaviour that says it doesn't matter what you want in life, because "Mum knows best".

Her attempt to rent out a room in your home and her cruel response to the news of your pregnancy are absolutely gobsmacking. That is not the behaviour of a loving mother. She may well love you in her way, but she isn't showing it when she does those types of things.

I agree with PP who suggest creating some healthy distance between the two of you and possibly speaking to someone about your relationship with your mother (and your very natural worries about motherhood). You're an adult, and there's no reason you can't make your own decisions. Your mother might not like it, but you don't have to do as she says. Not to be nasty about it, but if she wants to have a relationship with this grandchild, she'll have to play by your rules.

Maybe you can rely on your husband for strength in this, too. Surely he's seen how she is with you and how controlling she can be. Can he back you up if you start to doubt yourself?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck dealing with your mother!

[ElGuardiandenoche]

Read Susan Forwards book on Toxic Parents and also go over to the Relationships board on here and look at the Stately Homes thread.

I did the drastic thing and moved abroad and when we had to come back to the UK we deliberately moved to a place 300 miles away from her.

[heartsonacake]

@20mum You can be Environmental Emily if you want to be, but you won’t force anyone else into it.

I’ll continue using disposable nappies and only brand new clothes and toys. And no, I won’t start recycling either.

You live your life how you want and the rest of us will live ours how we want.

[Cherrysoup]

I’ll continue using disposable nappies and only brand new clothes and toys. And no, I won’t start recycling either.

You don’t recycle? Jesus. I mean, I think 20mum is madly OTT, but not recycling is bonkers. Do you have any idea how long cans take to degrade? I think it’s pretty important to do what we can so our kids don’t end up resourceless. The binmen take it away for you, it’s hardly difficult.

[bananaontoast1]

@heartsonacake

Again, 🙄🙄🙄

Mind you, I’ve seen you on a few threads. I think you’re just one of those desperate to be contrary.

[Raaaa]

@Cherrysoup yeah definitely easier to throw cans and packaging into a recycling box, than stuffing the refuse bags to the brim so that you can't shut the wheelie bin/have to deal with loads of bags outside you're door on the street

[billy1966]

OP, the issue is not the nappies..who gives a shit about THE NAPPIES.....your mother is batshit controlling....protect yourself....and your family from her.

🙏

[heartsonacake]

Cherrysoup No, I don’t recycle. I’m not sorting through my rubbish; it all just goes in one bag and out to the bins.

And no, Raaaa, I don’t have an issue will not being able to shut my wheelie bin or having too many bags.

[Lowhangingfruit]

Your mum is a toxic narc, I would go low contact. But on the happy and bf front. I've used reusables no problem since 2015 some now third hand but still great have saved me a fortune. Bf I've never had can't issues but I had a supportive partner, and I ate a shit ton 3 kids later. But it's your choice. If you don't want the nappies please pass them on to me or a local nappy library. Charity shops won't accept them. Cleaned properly they are fantastic, less nappy rash, pretty no worries about sizing. X

[Stingeray]

What’s stopping you just saying thanks and leaving it at that for now?

[Lowhangingfruit]

Editted edition no issues bf. Bloody auto correct

[MamaFirst]

If you don't start standing up for yourself now, she'll soon be overstepping with how you parents once the baby gets here... And that will be SO much worse. Be strong and sort it out now, for your own sanity.

[Happynow001]

when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me,
Wow OP. This is NOT normal in any way. I'm assuming you and your husband (the other person who should have been making that decision with you) were able to tell her exactly what you thought of that!!

Get your husband on board and agree a united front.
YES absolutely this!! ^^

Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging).
That says a great deal don't you think? Have you and your DH talked about how you can keep hold of some of that feeling? You need to be a team making your own decisions and fending off such negative behaviours from wherever they come.

when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown)
Did you have any counselling OP? Would you consider having some now to get done independent and professional advice on how you can strengthen your barriers against your parents? Particularly your mother.

Standing up to her will be tough as she's bulldozed through your life but it will only get worse if you are unable to find the strength and confidence to push back and make your own decisions for your own life and your own family. Take care that she's not the one making decisions for your child(ren).

For goodness sake NEVER let her have keys to your home even temporarily.

How far do you live from your parents?

[Deelish75]

Read Susan Forwards book on Toxic Parents

This is a good book. My mother is a much milder version of yours and this book really helped me in understanding who she was and how I needed to react to her.

[MrsToothyBitch]

You need to start putting some boundaries in place ASAP- and I think you might need to see a counselor to unpick some of how you feel and find a starting point. You can be sensitive but you may find that some it is tied in with her treatment of you. You really need to say no to this- else your wants and wishes will be lost under hers.

My mum mostly cares mostly benignly but occasionally tips into being domineering. I'm quite sensitive too but I've learnt that when she goes into steam roller mode or starts taking verbal swipes at me, it's easier to control with boundaries, a robust defence and seeing "patterns" and countering with my own strategies for boundaries. Mums like that can really get in your head though- be kind to yourself. X

[makingmammaries]

I clicked thinking this was posted by a toddler.

[showmewhatyougot]

Ignoring all the other issues, if you don't want the nappies don't use them? Either refuse to sign the package or donate them.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x