To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

[ohthegoats]

Re clothes.

Put in a bag, put in a cupboard or the loft.

We used to accept all donated stuff, then me and my baby mates would tip it all out on the floor and have a free-for-all. Sometimes I took loads, sometimes none. Was great. Rest went to charity.

[SunshineCake]

What I say doesn't really matter of course. I just feel it is a shame some people are quick to dismiss washable nappies without even trying them. I wonder about the no way in hell comment. What are you scared of?

[Glowcat]

Please get come counselling. This is way beyond nappies. You need to look at her behaviour objectively and talk it through with someone. You may be sensitive but having a steamroller for a mother who constantly picks at you and undermines your confidence in yourself can’t help!

[MuddlingThrough1724]

You say she means well.....she really doesn't, she doesn't respect you, your opinion or that you and your partner are a family perfectly capable of deciding things for yourself. She is controlling, manipulative and doesn't respect usial boundaries. No way would I be able to put up with her with a baby around too - she will end up making you feel like an inadequate mother (even though you absolutely won't be) with her comments and attempts to take over if you don't start putting boundaries in place before the baby arrives.

[crochetandshit]

How do you get on with your sister?

Can you ring/text and say you appreciate the offer of clothes but you're all stocked up, how are you and dc, hope to see you soon etc then TEXT your mum to say you've been having a sort out and have loads already but it's fine coz you've already sorted with sister. Very busy for next few days so talk to you later next week.

You will need to ignore your phone or even get your dh to read and respond politely to any reply from your mum if you don't think you can hold your nerve.

Do you think you can pull away bit by bit?

[SmudgeButt]

I would agree with those that say you should use washable nappies for the sake of the environment but that also assumes that you have the washing machine and drier or drying space to deal with them. if you live in a tiddly place then go for disposable. It's not like when in my mom's time there were nappy services that would take them away to be cleaned, bleached etc and returned home ready for re-use.

But it's you choice - not your mom's. And it's only your DHs choice if he's going to be splitting all the babycare 100%.

[saleorbouy]

Say thank you, you'll give them a trial and then do what suits you best. Both you and your husband need to take charge and make the decisions for your child. She is a grandmother encourage her to watch from the side line and enjoy that role without the responsibilities and required for parenting, it's your turn to parent now.

[gluteustothemaximus]

My mother who happens to be a controlling bitch, did the same.

She bought the whole reusable nappy set, and said that's what I would be using for her grandchild.

I lasted 3 weeks. Breastfed baby constantly shitting, and you couldn't put them in the washing machine straight away, so there I was daily scrubbing shit off 8-10 nappies everyday in the bath.

When I said it was too much she complained that she spent a fortune on them and that’s what she had to do when we were small. Why should I have an easier time of it?

It had fuck all to do with the environment.

As I said, 3 weeks I lasted then went and bought pampers. Best thing ever.

Do it because you want to. Jesus it's like someone buying you a breast pump to suggest you breastfeed, or buying you a steriliser to suggest you bottle feed. These choices are yours.

Anyone helpful will go 'would you like us to buy you something for baby? What can we get you?'

[Whatisinaname1223]

My sil is using the phrase no that is but thanku for thinking of us. In my advice after having 2 kids who grow like weeds. Keep the clothes unless u are extremely well of as u soend 100 quid ever 3 months on clothing. Re usable nappies can be used when u see your mum or can be used when u visit her. X

[CanIGetARefund]

I get it OP. My mother is similar. It's easy for people to say "just set boundaries", but we are so conditioned to see the world through are mother's view that this is extraordinarily difficult. I strongly encourage therapy. You are not overly neurotic or sensitive. It is natural to be distressed when your mother behaves as if you are an extension of her and has no respect for your autonomy. The Stately Homes thread may be helpful. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[Whatisinaname1223]

Spell checker is terrible sil says no thankyou but thankyou for thinking of us

[heartsonacake]

I just feel it is a shame some people are quick to dismiss washable nappies without even trying them. I wonder about the no way in hell comment. What are you scared of?

SunshineCake It’s nothing to do with being scared What a bizarre notion. It’s about the fact that they are of no benefit to me and I find them grim.

[icansmellburningleaves]

@ferntwist

She’s trying to help and support you. You’ll have loads more to worry about when baby arrives. Once you’re a mum yourself you might find you give your own mum a break a bit as you’ll realise how much she loves you and that she’s only doing her best, same as you will with your little one.

This is not a mother who is supporting her daughter. Telling your daughter she is too sensitive and not strong enough to be a mother is undermining and insulting.
I would just refuse to take the parcels. She can’t decide for you OP which type of nappies to wear. She sounds very controlling. I would have as little contact as possible. Don’t let her erode your self esteem. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy 💐💐

[ohthegoats]

Oh christ, both me and my partner were/are working in environmental and sustainability industries. We didn't use even one reusable. We got her out of nappies quickly, but reusables are a hassle you just don't need if you're not 100% on board with it.

[LittleDappledLeaf]

I would have just said no to the nappies, they are awful, by the time you’ve bought liners and loads of chemicals to clean them and your washer, and a bucket ( yuk) you may as well use disposables and be happier.

My husbands sister in law sent me a large bag (bin bag) full of her childs’ dresses.
They were tartan scratchy ( with netting) monstrous clothes.
I did check them, but decided no one form the same decade would wear them, and they were all stiff, dark and formal. ( old fashioned in the extreme)

My own sister, sent me dirty, stained and stretched baby vests and baby grows from her large baby, and told me to bleach them.
Sadly they ended up in the bin too.

[Hercwasonaroll]

There's a lot of shit (excuse the pun) abiut reusable nappies being spread on this thread. For most people's lifestyle they aren't much of a change bar washing and drying them. The poo doesn't need 'scraping off' until they wean, and even then most poos flick off down the loo (which you should do with disposables too).

OP ignore your mum. Choose how you want to deal with it. Your reaction is the thing in your control.

[Nartl0ngNow]

"Aww, that's lovely mum. Are you thinking of fostering or adopting a child at the same time as us? Anyway, the nappies are a no from us. We're potty training from birth you see. Must go, I've got some more water to drink!"

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"She loves me a lot I know."
How do you know? I see no love in her behaviour towards you, I see entitlement and the sense that she thinks she owns you. And that she's the reason you have anxiety.

You are now married and expecting your first child. Now is the time to draw a line. She is not the boss of you, and you will make your own choices. It's not easy to do that when you were raised by someone who denied you any tiny amount of agency, but she has to be held at arms length.

[Geraniumblue]

My mother wanted me to use reusable nappies for my dd too. She used to send me articles about it. At the time I was too exhausted to even contemplate them. Having a newborn is hard enough without eco guilt as well.
But yes, she sounds overbearing and you could probably do with a good counsellor.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

I'd have been over the moon.

[colditz]

I would see if you can get your husband to step in on this.

It seems that she has rather bullied you all your life and you, quite naturally, have learned to just roll over to prevent the relentless pushing. Your husband may be more able to say NO and stick to it, and perhaps that will be the way forward.

[Ohnoherewego62]

I think that maybe with the second hand clothes she was trying to help as baby things are expensive.

You can always message her and say the nappies aren't something you wish to try but thank her for her offer.

[DopamineHits]

Say thank you, then put them in the supermarket food bank bin next time you shop.

[category12]

That's a long history of her bossing you about and steam-rolling over your feelings and opinions.

Now's the time to reduce contact and create boundaries. Get a counsellor and start learning to say no. No is the end of the subject, not the beginning of a negotiation.

[Straycatstrut]

I'd honestly consider emigrating if I had someone that suffocating in my life. I'm extremely private and I can't "do people" for long without needing days to recover.

Re the nappies: I tried for weeks to cloth nappy. About 4 different brands, piles of different liners - bamboo, hemp, microfiber etc.. (cost a flipping fortune and then some) I had the right washing powder, followed all the "guidance"... and they all ended up leaking eventually. Found the nappy bucket disgusting and handling them disgusting. You're supposed to spray the poo off into the toilet before washing. The only plus was they never poonami exploded like disposables did. I ended up selling all mine and it was such a relief. It also annoys me how people can't seem to 'cloth bum' without preaching about it, pearl clutching and showing off. They seem to be more of a statement and status, rather than a basic way of treating a babies incontinence.

I had the same experience with BF. I tried my damn hardest but my body wouldn't produce milk. I just got mastitis and it all dried up. This was with midwives, nurses and a BF support working rallying around me every day, latching him on, having me on the manual and electric pump for 9 days. They were adamant it'd "come in" and not to "give in" to formula. Baby ended up underfed, jaundiced and in an incubator. Aptamil saved his life and he was pink and thriving after 2 days on it.