To be upset my mother ordered me resuable nappies for me without telling me first?

[Cherryhill22]

Okay. I'm 26 weeks pregnant. My mother told me today she had ordered me some reusable nappies and I am feeling annoyed because she didnt ask me before hand and I feel like its a decision me and my husband should jointly make. She has also asked for her sister to send her nephews old clothes to me for my baby and when I said no thanks she talked at me on the phone for 5 minutes until I relented

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She can be very bossy and controlling and is not really a great communicator. She likes to give lots of advice and does not really make social conversation. I by contrast have anxiety and am quite sensitive. I am battling with feeling petty but at the same time I feel like I have a history of being controlled by her. When I was younger she told me what degree to study, signed me up for summer jobs when I was younger without asking what I wanted, when I wanted to study a tefl she told me to do a pgce (I ended up having a stress related breakdown), when I found a house I wanted to buy with my husband she refused to come in and told me to buy the house her friend was selling that was bigger, when I moved in to my house she advertised a room for a tenant without consulting me, when I told her I was pregnant she told me that I was too over sensitive to be a mother and not strong enough. This is in additon to telling me to drink water and exercise more every time i see her. I feel guilty because she means well but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know what to do.

She loves me a lot I know. But as I said I have anxiety already and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of her. Lockdown has been ironically blissful because it has given me some space from her and my father (who is also rather challenging). I know it must not be easy for her to have a sensitive, neurotic child. I am scared of being a tired first time mother and her wearing me down.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice welcome.

[Happymum12345]

Meant to say your mother sounds challenging!

[montclair]

FWIW...accept the nappies and see if you want them...you might just use them instead of muslin cloths. What I would suggest given previous history is that when you go into labour, you have your baby and wait until you feel ready to let your parents know. That might be two hours later or it might be 8 hours later or it might be the day after you are home but you need to set that agenda so that you are not steamrollered.

[maddy68]

She was probably being thoughtful. Just say you don't want them. And to send them back x

[Anotherchangeanothername]

@LittleDappledLeaf I am amazing but not amazingly rude by calling you out I’m afraid
Good luck love x

[Chloemol]

So when they arrive put them in the loft and don’t use them. Then hand the clothes back in due course

Better yet when she starts just say no thanks and if she continues just reiterate vid it gets to much just say I am finishing the call now and put the phone down

[bananaontoast1]

@heartsonacake

🙄🙄🙄

@Cherryhill22 sounds like you need to have a conversation with your mum about boundaries, or if you don’t feel able to do so, try and create a bit more distance between you both. You’re going to have a lot of opinions about a lot of parenting topics foisted on you, you’ll find your own way and what works for you :) also, as an aside, reusable nappies are definitely not grim, and they don’t need the poo removed before washing until you wean! X

[bananaontoast1]

@Cherryhill22 another bit of advice re: cloth nappies - if you do choose to use cloth or would like some more info and advice on them, I highly recommend joining some groups on Facebook or contacting either The Nappy Lady or The Nappy Gurus for some advice and recommendations (I prefer the gurus myself) and it’s a good way to get a bit more knowledge on them. :)

It’s got to be your decision though! Whatever works for you and your baby :)

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Say "thanks mum, I'll keep the non-disposable nappies for when we come to your house". Then only use them at hers, and leave them at hers. See how much she enjoys the extra washing!

[20mum]

The child will be on our shared planet for a century. Nobody, especially infants and children, needs to destroy it by needless consumption and pollution. A previous generation may not have known, but we do.

By all means pick a fight with your bullying mother (from what you say, your father isn't much better.). In the future, you can hurt her, yourself and your child in many other ways. If you like, refuse her offers of free childcare, refuse her offer of emergency cash for some private treatment for the child, refuse her offer to pay for private coaching, or even refuse entirely to let her see her grandchild. That will punish her.

Punishing our planet, though, punishes all of us. Your child, as soon as h/she is old enough, may go to live with grandmother, and hate you for what you did to our planet just to score points in your private mother/daughter war.

Your child will never comprehend, or forgive, after the day they discover that you deliberately refused to use reusables, and deliberately refused to use preowned clothes, toys, prams, cots and all the other buy now, chuck in landfill stuff.

[heartsonacake]

@maddy68

She was probably being thoughtful. Just say you don't want them. And to send them back x

And was she just “being thoughtful” when she advertised a room for rent in OP’s house? Or when she told her what to study? Or when she signed her up for things she didn’t want?

[Devlesko]

The best thing to do with mothers like this is to shut them down as soon as they start.
Give her the nappies back, get in touch with nephew say you don't need their clothes and thank you very much.
Stop allowing her to do this, it's the only way.
She's only doing it because you allow it.

[Deelish75]

I'm not surprised you have anxiety, your mother (and probably your father) have spent your whole life railroading you into doing what they want - where, when and how they want it. This will have been masked by them "trying" to help and support you. It's bullshit.

As others have said when your baby arrives she will go into overdrive. Your feelings, wishes and needs will not matter to her, it's about what she wants and she will trample all over you. Start putting those boundaries in place now.

And as for the nappies I would return them to her to deal with. Also contact your aunt and explain you don't need the clothes. Might also be worth explaining to aunt that in future to speak directly to you.

[Coyoacan]

Yes, OP, if you can get counselling, so much the better. I also think that meantime you need to put some distance between you and your mother.

When you are handed your newborn baby, if you are anything like you are going to feel terrified and incapable of looking after such a precious thing. A decent mother would help you to realise how capable you actually are, but I fear your mother will do the exact opposite. Try to keep away from her until you have established a good bond with your baby and have realised what a good mother you are capable of being.

And this has nothing to do with the usefulness or not of reusable nappies. I, for one, used cloth nappies.

[MashedSpud]

Limit what you tell her.

Some people think they are helping you by being “fixers” when actually it’s quite smothering.

[Winterwoollies]

@20mum Jesus, ease up.

[rosiethehen]

You should ditch the auld bat. She sounds awful. Do it before she takes over.

[Eckhart]

Do you regard yourself as sensitive and neurotic in all areas of life, or is it quite specific to your relationship with your mother?

Can you say calmly to her 'Thank you for the nappies, but we don't want that sort.' and leave it at that? She can decide what happens next with them, if anything.

[pigsDOfly]

@20mum It might be an idea to take some of the extreme compassion that you seem to feel towards the environment and use it when dealing with other human beings.

What a very unpleasant post.

[Candyfloss99]

Just accept them and when she asks about them say you didn't want them so gave them to a friend, or whatever you'll do with them. It's really not something to get stressed about.

[toinfinityandlockdown]

@UnicornAndSparkles that was exactly my thought! Let her keep and wash them.

[Eckhart]

@20mum

You seem to be able to understand the intricacies of the adult mind of an as yet unborn baby.

How do you do that, it's AMAZING.

[mummmy2017]

Text your Sister.
Hi I know you will understand, I want the fun of buying new clothing for little one.
Do you want to sell them on eBay, or a boot sale or maybe hand them to one of your friends?
I think mum has got the wrong end of the stick.
Can't wait to have a day out with you shopping when lockdown is over.

[Gin4thewin]

My mum can be the same, when pregnant with ds, if she decided i should have/do something, shed go on and on and on until i did it just to shut her up or if i ignored her, shed start harping on at dp instead. I nearly bloody killed her during my labour and vowed she wouldnt be there again if we had another. I got better at ignoring her and telling her no. Then i got pregnant with DD, there was nothing specific i wanted for her bar a certain moses basket. Mum rang me saying she got me one that was on sale, no warning or asking if this was okay, i got annoyed and said i havent bought anything myself yet and i really wanted to get the one i had in mind, if she had just asked me, i would of told her. Oh NO im the ungrateful one, made her feel like id kicked her (her words), made her cry etc and then i was left running around trying to find a stand that fitted it. Told her she wouldnt be there for dds birth this time and she was still telling her friends that she might be.

[mummmy2017]

@20mum.
The child could also resent being made to wear hand me downs.
You need to stop pushing your views on a new mum to be.

[SecondStarFromTheRight]

Keep or sell the nappies depending on your plans, but set boundaries, and be firm in how you want to be a parent.
Do not use your Mother for childcare. No doubt she is at least in part responsible for your anxiety. She will be just as bad an influence on your child.