To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[borntohula]

If the baby is his, I reckon he already knows, you've found out easily enough that there is a baby so why wouldn't he?

[Natashabobasha1]

If your son is in such a bad state, I'd message her myself.

"Hi....x...I'm....x's mom. I came across your pictures and I notice how closely he resembles my son. Is the child yours and x's?. He's in a bad state and I don't think he will be truthful with me if I ask. If you are in need of anything, please do not hesitate to call. I would love to be a part of my grandson's life if you as a mother would welcome it."

[borntohula]

Also, don't message her, it puts her in a super awkward position if baby is not his. Hope you manage to get through to your DS, OP.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I don't necessarily think you shouldn't make contact by the way.

I do think it would be much better coming from a point of knowing it's his though.

The 'Is this my grandson' approach - there just seems to be NO good way to ask it.

[Ernieshere]

i would ask him, not her.

[TheTiaraManager]

I would talk to him & ask him if he could be the father

[Bridecilla]

Did you ever meet her parents op? Are they the type who would have come to you if the baby were your ds' and he was ignoring the situation?

[PanamaPattie]

Another disappearing OP?

[YeOldeTrout]

Truth is I would sleep on it a few days, but otherwise my instincts are to talk to her first and not to talk to him (if we talk at all) until I've heard her side. What Natasha said is close to what I'd say. Direct and low key.

[Russell19]

I'd ask your son first, see what he says and then go from there.

I think if you message his ex it would be good to congratulate her and act like you have only just found out about the birth. If it is your sons she might think you've known all along but haven't acknowledged the baby....

[Raella50]

I would have to message her just to know! Good luck oP!

[swaywithme]

I would talk to your DS first. I think it's highly unlikely he doesn't know tbh, If she was keeping it from him OR if she cheated and it was someone else's surely she wouldn't put it on FB? If you don't get an explanation from him, I'd message her. Yes it's awkward but it could be your grandchild at the end of the day and she could be assuming he's told you.

[Blondephantom]

I would message and gently let her know if it is your grandchild and she wants you, you are there. Something along the lines of:
Dear y, I am name, x's mum. May I offer you my congratulations on your beautiful baby? I appreciate you may have reservations in replying to this message. I will completely understand if you choose not to reply and will not message again. I notice that your child was born on daye and thought there may be a possibility that he is my grandchild. If that is the case, I want to let you know I would like to be involved and help you as much as I can. I will understand that you may not welcome this and have no wish to intrude. I would respect your wishes. Please message me if you would like to talk about this. If not, I wish you and your baby all the best.

There is no perfect message. I do think you should message as she is a young mother (I was one myself) and may appreciate some support. She might not be sure about reaching out herself. I would only message the once and make it clear that she decides how to proceed.

[LovingLola]

Are you there Op?
Any thoughts on all the advice you’ve been given? Have you spoken to your son?

[LegLumpWorrier]

This is probably why he is going off the rails. He’s also maybe worried how you will react. Let him no upfront that you are excited or something (I know..) and he may open up

[Thesheerrelief]

The OP only posted this thread at 9pm. Bit soon to be asking for updates and accusing her of disappearing!

I imagine there's lots of food for thought for her in the responses here.

[mishahotit]

Have been reading it all, it is all very much appreciated.

I understand the concerns about what DS realistically is going to offer this new mum and baby. In a way I’d agree. But also if he is DS’s, it surely is the baby’s right that his dad knows he exists. I have absolutely no bad feeling toward the girl at all if she has chosen not to tell him though, I accept I probably don’t know the half of it. Perfectly possible he knows and is being a twat about it, I’m not going to be in denial about that. I’d be devastated though.

The reason I haven’t straight out spoken to DS is because he hates me asking questions. I get a barrage of “piss off”, “fuck off”, “don’t ask”, “mind your own fucking business” and then he’ll just attempt to hide things even more.

I feel like the whole thing is one big Pandora’s box.

[Bookoffacts]

I think you would be a positive influence in this child's life and you have rights as a grandmother. The baby is (could be) your grandchild. Don't let the baby grow up without a paternal family even if the father is, at present, not ideal. He'll grow up soon enough. Your son that is.

I would definitely message her.
Congratulations and ask if you're the grandmother. Rather than asking if son is the dad.
Be thrilled and enthusiastic.

Also congratulate anyway if child isn't your blood relative. Your son doesn't dictate who you speak to or are friends with.

My aunt is very close to her ex SIL. Her DB doesn't get a say.
Also a friend of mine is still in touch with her sons ex. Son also doesn't get a say in that. You don't have to drop people.

[Italiangreyhound]

Personally, I'd speak to him first.

How stressful for you.

[namechange3059382]

It's a hard one OP. If your worried about him saying you were snooping. Could you say you saw her with a baby in a supermarket for example. See how he reacts?

[borntohula]

Sorry you have to put up with that crap from him!

[Bookoffacts]

If your son is that bad then she's probably best not in relationship with him.
But baby can still have paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Welcome baby and mum into family.
Be kind.

If son gets abusive it's not on. He doesn't own mum or baby.

[mishahotit]

Breaks my heart that he is like this. Never been physically violent in the slightest but he can be vile to me verbally. Divorced his dad when he was 8 which he struggled with but otherwise he’s had a loving upbringing. Loads of adoring family. Wanted for nothing. I wish he’d at least give up the weed, I don’t even know what he’s like when he’s sober as I never see him sober. Such a mess, all of it.

[Thighdentitycrisis]

It’s possible she was seeing someone else before they split up, that may be why they split up and that’s the baby’s father

[Mumto1andthetinybun]

If you can't speak to your Son then I think you need to gently speak to his ex. It will drive you crazy wondering if you don't.