To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[mishahotit]

Have spoken to ex-H about it. He was equally as shocked as me but then rang back a couple of hours later to say that he’s thought about it and he’s very confident it’s DS’s based on the way he’s been behaving and the timing of his breakdowns etc. Ex-H is extremely pissed off with him. I told ex-H to keep quiet about it for now but he was not happy at all with DS and he may be out of my hands.

[Ohhgreat]

I think you did the right thing to discuss it with ex-H, I hope he does what you suggested and takes some time.

[Hileni]

Could it be worth speaking to the ex girlfriend's mum? When I had my baby I really struggled with PND and can imagine being messaged, no matter how well intentioned, a threat but my mum would have been able to deal with it for me if that makes sense?

[ttigerlilly]

I'm glad you have spoken to your ex-H about it OP, I was just about to come on here to ask if you had any other family members that you could talk to! Has it made you feel a bit better having shared this with someone else?

[Cloudfrost]

I think its a possibility that he knows and has told her that neither he nor any of his family want to do anything with the baby which would explain why she never got in contact with you.

With regards to weed, if used responsibly for the majority of population there are no negative consequences. However, some people are born predisposed to certain mental issues. This predisposition doesn't mean that people will definitely get psychological issues, there is often a trigger required to activate it. And weed is a massive trigger. It can cause the onset of schizophrenia, psychosis and depression, as well as make the symptoms much worse.

You are not doing your son any favours letting him get away with his verbal abuse. Perhaps if he didn't live in your house and had rent and bills to pay there would be less money to spend on weed..

[Nekoness]

Think about it from her perspective. He’s vile to you, his mother, who does nothing but support him. So imagine how vile he must have been to this young, pregnant and scared woman. It wouldn’t surprise me he if he had pressured her into aborting, told her all sorts of lies about how he and his family want nothing to do with this if she chooses to continue the pregnancy... all the horrible stuff.

Now why on Earth would this poor girl reach out to the grandmother (you) and risk even further verbal abuse when she has been probably told you want nothing to do with her and the baby in the harshest terms?

Silver lining - at least now you can get your son help. You’ve found the “why”. You and your ex need to sit his sorry ass down and get the story from him. And then get him counselling. If/when he admits to it, you reach out to the woman apologising and explaining how you just unravelled it.

[mishahotit]

I’ve mentioned her in passing to DS (didn’t mention baby, just asked if he knew how her mum was) and got what I expected pretty much. “Wouldn’t know.” Hard to judge his body language reaction from me asking because he is always higher than a kite. I didn’t push it.

[Nekoness]

Yeah sorry but fuck this walking around on eggshells. You didn’t push it because you’ve allowed him to think he’s got power over you. Er, lives with you and you pay for his cost of living so he can afford to buy his drugs right? Time for you and your ex to work like a team because you clearly let your son walk all over you and you’re afraid to challenge him

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

Are you just going to leave it then OP? That’s your choice but I think I would have to address it with him, if the baby is he wants nothing to do with the baby he should at least pay child support I’m not sure I could have that on my conscience my son not paying for his child because I didn’t push it.

[Waveysnail]

I'd contact her.

[ScrapThatThen]

All you need to gently say is 'I see x has had a little one, is it yours?' if this has caused him mental distress then it will ultimately be a huge relief to have you know, even if he is horrible to you at first. Try to avoid anger, disappointment or shame. Don't tell him what he should do. But equally when you have had that conversation it would be equally fine to message a good wish to her , and say that you know she's not with your son anymore but if she ever wants to meet up for a coffee...

[Pumpkinpie1]

There is a fine line between enabling & supporting. At 19 your son isn’t a child anymore ,especially if as you suspect he may be a Father.
Smoking weed is the worst thing to do if he suffers from depression, it makes you paranoid . If he’s furloughed he has money
Is he paying his own way ? Board , bills etc
If he can afford drugs he can afford not to sponge off you !
I think you need to start showing to tough love , gently gently isn’t appreciated
If he is a dad he needs to man up & pay fir his child. Even if it’s not his child he needs to start facing his issues , seeking professional help for his depression & drug use
You sound such a lovely lady don’t let this stand in the way of getting firmer with your man child x x

[Bluntness100]

There is also another option op.

She told him she was pregnant and he dumped her. It may be his and he knows and wants nothing to do with the child

[heartsonacake]

Hard to judge his body language reaction from me asking because he is always higher than a kite.

This shouldn’t be an issue you need to worry about because you’ve no right to get involved and he isn’t fit to be a father.

[MamaLion1319]

As a single mum (twice over) please reach out to this girl. I've never reached out to my children's grandparents, as it feels awful to do so. Especially when the father wants no input. I'm sure she is capable of giving you a yes or no answer, if you explain why you're contacting her.

[Bookoffacts]

You do have rights as a grandmother and you should contact your grandchild and the babies mother.

[LovingLola]

You do have rights as a grandmother and you should contact your grandchild and the babies mother.

She does not know if the baby is her son’s.

[LonginesPrime]

You do have rights as a grandmother and you should contact your grandchild and the babies mother

Grandparents don't have rights.

The woman is raising a newborn during lockdown and the father is an aggressive drug addict. She knows where OP is and if she wants to get in touch, she can.

[OhCaptain]

You don’t “have rights” as a grandmother.

You have to apply to be able to apply for court ordered access and even then you have to have a provable established relationship.

[bubbleup]

"I get a barrage of “piss off”, “fuck off”, “don’t ask”, “mind your own fucking business”"

he sounds a bloody charmer. I'd just ask him outright if the baby is his and if so what has happened. If I was met with a barrage of any of that his feet wouldn't touch the floor on his way out.

She might not have contacted you because she's scared of him kicking off. Tell him you were thinking of her and actively looked him up so he can't accuse her of coming to you.

If she doesn't want to tell you anything then that is up to her but I'd have to do the right thing and offer my support. Your son needs a wake up call

[Dairymilkmuncher]

Hi I've not read the whole thread, just your replies OP and from being in a similar position to that ex (if the father is your son) I would have loved nothing more than a message from his mum. My DH at the time was in the middle of a horrible breakdown and if his mother had tried to speak to him she wouldn't have got anything out of him, maybe just fibs and huffs. It took a while for him to come around but my now MiL embraced me and my son immediately and I'll love her forever because of that even if she can be a bit overbearing sometimes a decade later.

You can easily message her without crossing the line wishing her and her mother well and congratulate her on her new born, that's always lovely to hear. You could mention your son has been having a breakdown and you wish you knew what was going on. All true and not imposing yourself on her.

[HoomanMoomin]

I would just message her and asked.

[dontdisturbmenow]

I agree that you need to work on your relationship with your son. You're tiptoeing around him and that's it right.

Its understandable to get to that point with a difficult teenager and young adult but you can't live tour whole life having him control your discussions to suit him.

You need to let it out. Yes he'll react aggressively and defensively, accuse you or getting involved in things that have nothing to do with you. I'll probably storm out. But the reality is that deep inside, it will probably be a huge relief with him that you know and that when he is ready he can come to you and ask for your advice.

[Longdistance]

I’d just message her congratulating her on the baby. Ask about her mum first. Don’t ask about the baby in your first contact with her otherwise she may not reply and block you. Do show an interest in her and her mum and baby. If you wants to tell you she will.
Your ds may already know it’s his but hasn’t told you, she may be surprised once you have congratulated her on the baby that he hadn’t told you.

[Redred2429]

Op you sound like an amazing woman if this is your grandchild it will be lucky to have you I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your son