To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[Dontstepinthecowpat]

Your son sounds like my brother. He now has 5 children who’s lives he has messed up, one my parents don’t even know about. I cannot describe how much I hate weed and the relaxed attitudes around it. It destroys people.

[callmeadoctor]

It is absolutely none of your business, if I was her I would be furious.

[PotholeParadise]

I would send a private message congratulating her. There isn't a polite way to ask if it's your grandson, but there must be a way to open channels between you both and make it clear that you would like to provide support if he is your grandson. So that she feels able to say if that's the case.

[Purpleartichoke]

I think I would talk to your son. If he does have a child out there that he knows about and is not supporting, he needs to know that is not an acceptable choice.

[heartsonacake]

Let’s be honest, nobody wants a father for their child who is a weed smoking emotional mess. From how you’ve described your son I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my child, so I wouldn’t be engaging with you if you tried to contact me.

The fact of the matter is that even if he is the baby’s dad, he will do more harm than good unless he sorts himself out. He needs to go straight and pull himself together before even thinking about contacting this woman.

[Haretodaygonetomorrow]

You should talk to your son first. He might enlighten you without you having to bother his ex.

[worstwitch18]

I am surprised at everyone saying you mustn't contact her. I don't think there is anything wrong with sending a short kind, friendly message:

Dear X, hope you are well and coping with lockdown! You popped up in my "people you may know list." I've been thinking about you recently. Hope your mum is ok. I see that you had a baby - congratulations! I had no idea. He looks beautiful. Best wishes, mishahotit

It's a conversational opening if she wants to engage and makes it clear OP didn't know about the baby.

Alternatively, if the young woman doesn't want to engage it's an easy message to fob off. She can just reply with a short one liner or even block OP.

As long as OP doesn't push it doesn't matter. I had old friends and acquaintances contact me all the time, it doesn't offend me. I just choose how much to engage with them.

[Lockheart]

I would not message her. For the time being, you have no idea if this baby is related to you. Therefore it is, currently, none of your business.

It's wrong to disturb a new mother by asking who her baby's father is. Unless you're a medical professional or someone who needs to know in an official capacity.

I would speak to your son and if he is the father, encourage him to support his child. Once you've established he's the father, then you can get in touch to leave the door open if the mother wants to contact you. Until then, I would leave them alone.

[LovingLola]

@Jkslays
The op hasn’t asked her son if the baby is his.
Can the baby’s mother be compelled to take a DNA test ?

[tillytown]

Don't message her.
Your son sounds awful, would you have wanted someone like him involved in your life when your kids were babies?

[CJsGoldfish]

Dear X, hope you are well and coping with lockdown! You popped up in my "people you may know list." I've been thinking about you recently. Hope your mum is ok. I see that you had a baby - congratulations! I had no idea. He looks beautiful. Best wishes, mishahotit

I think this is the best way to go about it. It is possible your son knows and is avoiding the situation and she may think you are also. This makes it perfectly clear that you are not and have been kept in the dark. She then has the choice to tell you or not because it is absolutely her decision to do so if the child is your sons.

[BlackberryandNettle]

I would absolutely message her showing an interest in your own behalf. That way you can potentially find out what has happened and open the door for her to contact you if she wants. I don't think the attitudes of burying your head in the sand or avoiding addressing situations for fear of causing offence are at all helpful - just ask.

[Supersimkin2]

Stay out of it OP. A bad father is worse than no father. The kindest thing you can do is stay away.

DS might be given chances, which don't sound like they will end well. Chances are the last thing mother and baby need right now.

Legally DS won't have any rights unless he's named on the birth certificate. You have none.

Who wants a paranoid stoner teen as a father?

Poor baby.

[Jkslays]

[quote LovingLola]@Jkslays
The op hasn’t asked her son if the baby is his.
Can the baby’s mother be compelled to take a DNA test ?[/quote]
No. But that wasn’t the point I was responding to. You insinuated grandparents don’t have any rights. They do.

[AwkwardPaws27]

I get a barrage of “piss off”, “fuck off”, “don’t ask”, “mind your own fucking business” and then he’ll just attempt to hide things even more.

If you do reach out to the ex-girlfriend, bare in mind that if your son talks like that to you, he may have said a hell of a lot worse to her.

If he doesn't know, consider why. Most women wouldn't hide the existence of a child from their father unless they had a reason to.

[SpillTheTeaa]

@Mummsnett you're very rude. You basically state that girl is entitled to post what picture she wants yet you're telling the OP she shouldn't be on social media? Calm down, Mark Zuckerberg. Didn't realise you owned facebook.

I agree with @worstwitch18 with that message.
It's okay people saying she would tell the OP if she wanted her to know but how do we know the girl isn't scared or has been told not to?

I would want to find out OP.

[Thelnebriati]

Mothers don't generally remove the father from the scene without a good reason, so no don't talk to him.
Insist he gets support for his mental health.

If you want to, send her a friendly message of congratulations and wait to see if she gets back to you, but be prepared for her to block you.

[BlackberryandNettle]

If I were you I'd be confronting your son again about both this situation and his drug problems too and telling him that he needs to talk about things in general and especially face up to the drug problem and get help. You can't make him deal with it but I'd try to take courage and have the conversation.

[AragornsManlyStubble]

I would message her, she may reply as is her right, but would still try.

But,

My focus would be on your son and his attitudes and actions if he is the father ( regardless of that actually, but more so if he is) because over my dead body would a son of mine have a child, not do the right thing and support them and their mother (even if he wants no part in raising them, he’s paying for them), and still remaining under my roof. So he’ll need to step up and prioritise if he is.

[Holeywalls]

Gosh what a shock for you! You have to find out one way or the other. Definitely. Speak to your son.

[SirVixofVixHall]

What a distressing situation.
You could contact the girl, or her Mum. Be prepared that if the baby is your grandchild they may be very angry with your son.
I would say talk to your son, but he is treating you appallingly. Really OP, he is 19, if he wants to tell you to fuck off, then he should fuck off to a home of his own. Don’t stand for it.
Re the weed, family member has Schizophrenia probably triggered by weed smoking , is there anyone your son would listen to ? He sounds completely in a rut, does he have any plans ? 19 can be a very difficult age, my friend was in despair over her son at the same age, but somehow he got fed up, turned things around, studied hard and now at 23 is doing amazingly well. Your son absolutely cannot go round treating you like a doormat though.

[namechangenumber2]

I think I'd message the mum, don't be pushy but offer out an olive branch saying if she'd like some support then you're there. She may not want it now, but it might be a relief for her to know that you know IYSWIM

[TriciaH]

Send her the message checking on how her mum is. It gives her a chance to tell you if this is his child and the situation n. Also looks more innocent if you do need to ask him if she says nothing. You can say checked in on her mum and found she gas a baby of... months. Did you know about this? Could you be the father?

[lakeswimmer]

Just because the DS is in a mess doesn't mean the OP or other family members couldn't be a positive part of the baby's life (if DS is the father).

A friend of mine fell pregnant by a useless, unreliable guy who's never had a relationship with the child. However his family thought he was a twat, were keen to be part of the child's life, and have a good relationship with my friend and the child.

[Saladmakesmesad]

Dear X, hope you are well and coping with lockdown! You popped up in my "people you may know list." I've been thinking about you recently. Hope your mum is ok. I see that you had a baby - congratulations! I had no idea. He looks beautiful. Best wishes, mishahotit

Perfect. If the baby is your son's and your son knows, there's a very good chance she thinks YOU know. Perhaps she'd be very happy to realise that you knew nothing about it and are open to being a loving grandparent? But as others have said, definitely don't ask her directly if it's your son's baby, it's a bit rude.