To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[KitKat1985]

Any news OP?

[EarringsandLipstick]

But after your last update I really wouldn’t bother. The fact that your not strong enough to have an adult conversation with your son who talks to you like shit makes me feel that the girl and the child would be better off with out of their lives. The pandering to your son has probably turned him in to the person he is today.

@Jkslays that's horrible & judgmental. Stop it.

OP has been honest about her son & his failings, I don't see any attempt by her to justify the way he is. You've no idea what's led to this situation and judging OP isn't fair.

(As an aside, I'm aware of a young guy who came from a loving supportive home, started smoking weed as a teen & it destroyed him. Led to MH issues and now late 30s, he is heavily medicated, lives at home & a total recluse. It's awful, but the family couldn't have prevented it - clearly the drugs triggered a whole range of other chemical / brain reactions, desperately sad)

[Bunnybigears]

I would speak to the the baby's Mum as a pp said if she has told your son she would be assuming he told you and therefore think neither of you want anything to do with the baby. It also could be based on the timing the baby is a result of her cheating kn your son and that's why they broke up.

[Jkslays]

@mishahotit

I’ve mentioned her in passing to DS (didn’t mention baby, just asked if he knew how her mum was) and got what I expected pretty much. “Wouldn’t know.” Hard to judge his body language reaction from me asking because he is always higher than a kite. I didn’t push it.

I’ve been supportive from the start of you reaching out to this young girl to see if she was ok and if this child was your grandchild

But after your last update I really wouldn’t bother. The fact that your not strong enough to have an adult conversation with your son who talks to you like shit makes me feel that the girl and the child would be better off with out of their lives. The pandering to your son has probably turned him in to the person he is today.

[MrsPerfect12]

Aww I hope you've managed to resolve this in some way.

[TheRainbowCollection]

I've been thinking of you, OP. Did you reach out in the end? Let us know how you're getting on if you're up to it.

[DateLoaf]

If you do contact your ds's exp be sure not to apportion any blame to the mother or her family and acknowledge your ds's failings would be my advice.

Agree but do hope you will contact her first. She’s young and a first time mother and your congratulations coming from a place of kind, respectful adult emotional support is the right thing to offer her. Take her cue back to you as to what more is welcome. I wouldn’t involve your son too much with this at this stage because he’s more likely to cause drama in his current state and nobody needs that. You could just say ‘I messaged Lucy because I saw she’s had a baby and I always liked her’ and leave it there.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ask him
And then if you don’t progress ask her BUT
Be very gentle and acknowledge you don’t want to cause issues , acknowledge there may be issues you aren’t aware of

But I think you need to plan for the worst case scenario emotionally

Which is either she doesn’t reply
Or she replies badly
Or this triggers a worse issue with your son

I’m so sorry OP but I understand why doing nothing isn’t an option

[PrincessPain]

Something very similar happened in my family.
My cousin dumped his girlfriend out the blue, I think they were both 18 or 19. She'd been to family events and they seemed pretty happy, he just told the family they'd broke up and that was that for a while, until it came out that she was pregnant, wanted to keep the baby and that's why he dumped her.
Obviously the family was shocked and not very happy with him.
Eventually baby was born, he started to co parent and things are a lot different years later and they all have a very amicable relationship.
But that's without depression and drug use added into the mix, but it is very possible that your DS knows and thats why he's been acting the way he has.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

My partner of many years decided that he was having nothing to do with our baby and left when I was pregnant (we were living overseas). He forbade me from contacting his family. Luckily his mother wrote to me and has had an active role in DD's life for the last 22 years. Her son (DD's father) lives in another country altogether, doesn't see his mother or have any contact with DD. I appreciate that it's different circumstances but I'm so glad that DD has a connection to that half of her family. So I would send one of the generic congratulatory messages, mentioning nothing at all about your son. She can always choose to ignore it.

[Gunpowder]

I would contact the ex-GF. You come across as being kind and sensitive and I’m sure you wouldn’t send a pushy message. I certainly wouldn’t have been offended to receive a message from an ex’s parents even if I didn’t want anything to do with the ex himself.

DH doesn’t know who his real dad is/who one half of his family are and it’s had a big impact on his life.

[Fotallytucked]

Personally I would contact her , hes unlikely to tell the truth so when you contact her in the end it will annoy him even more !

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

With regards to your DS, I think I would be helping him move out.

I've had depression and panic attacks and none of them made me speak to loved ones the way he speaks to you.

That's no excuse and he's disrespectful. I would be helping him find somewhere else to live.

[snowybean]

Actually, can you look up a birth certificate?

[snowybean]

One of my best friends was abandoned by her father, but was very close to her grandfather (his dad). I think it's fine to ask. Perhaps acknowledge it's not the easiest question in the world to ask, but ask it straight up. If she responds, then talk about your DS' lack of communication then.

Good luck!

[ZacklySo]

Have those who are pushing the Op to confront her DS even considered what they may be doing. If he does not know about the baby (regardless of whether it is his or not), what if in his drug fueled state he shows up at her place and kicks off? Op how would you feel if he scared her and the baby or even harmed them?

If the baby is his, and the exgf is trying to protect her little one, how dare anyone bang on about the DS's or the Op's right. The only focus should be the baby's rights to safety. Anything else is just the selfish thoughts of 'whataboutme'. Put the baby first!

Beyond a congratulations, leave the young woman alone.

[Girlsjustwanna]

any update op?

[Ostagazuzulum]

Personally, if I was the girl, then I'd want you to contact me and reach out. If it is your sons then he clearly isn't dealing with it. For me, my reasons to contact her would be to find out one way or another as I doubt your son is going to tell you if he hasn't done so by now. If it is his then you'll have a better idea about why he's been having his breakdowns and it may allow you or a MH/ addiction service to help him better? Also, like other people have said, a child has a right to know its family and grandparents are invaluable. I say that as someone who grew up with my paternal grandparents estranged and I feel very sad that I missed out on having that family. The worst that can happen is she ignores your message/ replies saying it isn't his or says that it is and she doesn't want you involved, but at least you'd now one way or the other.
For all those people saying that if she wanted you involved then she'd have been in contact by now....what if he'd told her you wasn't interested etc?
I really think a nicely worded message to her would be the best approach. Good luck!!!

[tami2k]

Speak to him bring subject up
If not just congratulate her on fb she what she says best of luck x

[Redred2429]

Also agree with other posters if you are seeing her on your friends you may know and have mutual friends it's very likely she's searched your profile

[Redred2429]

Op you sound like an amazing woman if this is your grandchild it will be lucky to have you I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your son

[Longdistance]

I’d just message her congratulating her on the baby. Ask about her mum first. Don’t ask about the baby in your first contact with her otherwise she may not reply and block you. Do show an interest in her and her mum and baby. If you wants to tell you she will.
Your ds may already know it’s his but hasn’t told you, she may be surprised once you have congratulated her on the baby that he hadn’t told you.

[dontdisturbmenow]

I agree that you need to work on your relationship with your son. You're tiptoeing around him and that's it right.

Its understandable to get to that point with a difficult teenager and young adult but you can't live tour whole life having him control your discussions to suit him.

You need to let it out. Yes he'll react aggressively and defensively, accuse you or getting involved in things that have nothing to do with you. I'll probably storm out. But the reality is that deep inside, it will probably be a huge relief with him that you know and that when he is ready he can come to you and ask for your advice.

[HoomanMoomin]

I would just message her and asked.

[Dairymilkmuncher]

Hi I've not read the whole thread, just your replies OP and from being in a similar position to that ex (if the father is your son) I would have loved nothing more than a message from his mum. My DH at the time was in the middle of a horrible breakdown and if his mother had tried to speak to him she wouldn't have got anything out of him, maybe just fibs and huffs. It took a while for him to come around but my now MiL embraced me and my son immediately and I'll love her forever because of that even if she can be a bit overbearing sometimes a decade later.

You can easily message her without crossing the line wishing her and her mother well and congratulate her on her new born, that's always lovely to hear. You could mention your son has been having a breakdown and you wish you knew what was going on. All true and not imposing yourself on her.