To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[CourtneyLurve]

Don't message the girl. It's not her responsibility to deal with you. Your son is there. Ask him. Be calm and firm: it's come to your attention that his ex has a baby. The dates line up. Is it his?

[SunbathingDragon]

It’s possible the baby was premature and has a different father, maybe she was also having sex with somebody else, or perhaps your son is the father.

I agree you need to speak to your DS because it’s quite reasonable to think he is the father. I would just say that you understand XXXX has recently had a baby and does he still speak to her. You will probably be able to tell a lot from his facial expression and know which direction to take your conversation from there.

[toebeans2]

Ask your son. It may be that she cheated on him during their relationship (and got pregnant) and that's why they broke up.

[Jkslays]

@PicsInRed

I bet he already knows and that’s what’s causing his breakdownsplusthe drugs

It's been going on for years though.
Unfortunately, having seen this sort of thing before, associated with weed, it is often sadly schizophrenia associated. I would be extremely concerned about re-involving him in this young woman's life, and her baby's.

He doesn’t need to be involved at all

[FizzyGreenWater]

if this baby is your sons, you have a right to know the baby I believe?

No. Absolutely not. There is a mechanism for grandparents to pursue legal rights for contact, but to even be allowed to make an application they first have to prove that they've had a significant ongoing relationship with the child.

OP has absolutely no rights concerning this woman's child. They are strangers to her unless a relationship is established via the child's father.

[DamnYankee]

How are you going to explain this discovery to DS in a way that he doesn't see it as interfering?

He's said nothing. She hasn't contacted you.
I can't think of anything more awkward than you sending a message asking if her child is your DS'.


I would want to know, too, but I can't see where this would end well.
What would you do if she said, "Yes, but I don't want anything to do with either of you." ?
Would you tell your DS?
Would you respect her wishes?

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

you have a right to know the baby - this is wrong. You don't have any rights.

OP you sound lovely, and the situation sounds very traumatic, but theres obviously a reason this woman doesn't want any of you involved.

She is a young, first time mum, please do not make her life any harder than it already is.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Def talk to your DS first....

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

Seriously this is none of your business. You have no right to intervene. You could cause great harm without meaning to.

[Jkslays]

Grandparents can and do have independent relationships with grandchildren. I did with mine and they were one of the most influential and positive people in my life growing up. I also know other grandparents who choose to have a relationship with their Grandkids over the relationship with their son - because he made them choose. Good grandparents can have an amazing role in a child life.

The OP should ask her - if she wants to be involved. We are so many posts on here where parents slag the kids fathers off and say their children have no family - yet when poster comes on and says she suspects she may have a grandchild she is basically told to mind her own business 🤷‍♀️

I also kn

[PicsInRed]

He doesn’t need to be involved at all

The risk is that he will try to involve himself if he finds out (i.e. he didn't know about the baby) or realises his mum knows now and thinks he should "get involved".

In his present - and likely long term - state, he is highly unlikely to be helpful to a woman trying to raise a young child. In fact, he is likely to be dangerous. That's so sad for the OP, but I would urge her to prioritise the child.

[Jkslays]

And I’d like to add, her son is only 19 so this young woman maybe 18/19. The same age my niece was when her ex told her not to get in contact with his mum and she didn’t because she believed his lies

[Jkslays]

The risk is that he will try to involve himself if he finds out (i.e. he didn't know about the baby) or realises his mum knows now and thinks he should "get involved

I think you’d be surprised at how often they dont. He is a kid with a drug habit and MH issues. He won’t be interested

[RyanBergarasTeeth]

I think you have to have a proper talk with your ds about this. Either he knows or he doesnt. As the dates add up it seems highly likely its his.

Qsk if he has been in contact with ex at all lately and explain you have seen her profile on facebook where she bas a new baby and the birth correlates with their relationship.

As much as DS needs to stop the weed and sort his mental health out before he has anything to do with the child if it is his, its still wrong to conceal a fathers identity to both child and father. The older the child gets the worse this situation will become. Imagine this kid knocking on the door in 18 years demanding answers. And this does happen it happened to dps brother who showed up as an adult looking for his dad to find out he had died not knowing about his son.

[OhCaptain]

Honestly I don’t think you’ve any right to get involved with this girl or the baby.

For whatever reason, you haven’t even be told. So she doesn’t want you as baby’s grandmother.

I think in these circumstances that’s her calm and it’s the right one. To be frank, your son would be a shit dad by the sounds of it, and her and the baby deserve better.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

I think you’d be surprised at how often theydont. He is a kid with a drug habit and MH issues. He won’t be interested

You may be surprised how often they do, and use the baby as a way to control and manipulate their ex.

[hiredandsqueak]

The other grandparent of my dd's baby contacted her after seeing dgs's photo on her Facebook profile. Her son hadn't told her that she had another grandchild. Had she contacted dd and asked to be part of dgs's life then dd would have happily let her visit dgs but instead she accused dd of hiding her dgs from her and couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that the responsibility to inform her of dgs's existence lay with her son.
Dd thanked her for phoning, assured her that dgs was thriving and much loved and said goodbye without offering to let her meet dgs because she didn't want the drama.
If you do contact your ds's exp be sure not to apportion any blame to the mother or her family and acknowledge your ds's failings would be my advice.

[WhatIsLife20]

There's no rights involved of course but no decent person would just leave finding out if they have a grandchild or not.





You need to talk to your son. If your son genuinely has no idea, he can then contact her and ask the relevant questions because he DOES have the right to know if he's fathered a child. I would brace yourself though because going by the dates and if she had a full term baby, it seems she may have became pregnant around mid June and found out a few weeks later which ties in with the time of the split. Another scenario is that your son ended it before she found out she was pregnant and she was too scared to tell him because of his behaviour. Another scenario is that he isn't the baby's father. There's also various other scenarios but right now, your son is your son and he is the one that owes you answers if there's any to give

[LouHotel]

If theres no comments congratulating the dad on her Facebook posts or someone isn't tagged in with the pic then I think your probably right.

I would message politely asking whether the baby was DS, make it clear you'll have no part in forcing a relationship but that if it is your grandchild you would like to be involved in anyway she will accept.

Be prepared that may be nil.

[YellowHats]

Even if she did cheat surely theres still a chance its your Ds's?

I would say theres very little chance he doesnt know. You found out easily, chances are he would have looked her up on fb since the split. It would also partly explain his behaviour

You need to speak to your DS first. If he doesnt engage I personally dont see anything wrong with messaging her. Shes very young, i dont think her not gerting in touch necessarily means she doesnt want you to know

A scenario similar happened to a friend of mine. Wanker Bf fucked off when he found out she was pregnant, grandparents reached out later and now have a good relationship with the child. Although he did tell his parents about his child.

[rainbowlou]

Can I also please add people always straight Away look to see who the baby looks like, I’ve had it with both of mine.
My mil is convinced my ds looks exactly like my dh as a child, but ds sees photos of me as a child and thinks it’s him.
Every stranger used to comment how my dd was the spitting image of my dh and he isn’t even her father!
I meant his kindly but please don’t look too much into the baby’s looks as your answer

[PicsInRed]

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I think you’d be surprised at how often theydont. He is a kid with a drug habit and MH issues. He won’t be interested

You may be surprised how often they do, and use the baby as a way to control and manipulate their ex.

Precisely.

I hope I'm wrong, but I get the sense that the OP may think this child might be "the making of" her son. It won't, of course. He would more likely be the unmaking of the child.

[Jkslays]

I hope I'm wrong, but I get the sense that the OP may think this child might be "the making of" her son. It won't, of course. He would more likely be the unmaking of the child

What gives you that idea?

[MitziK]

I wouldn't trust a drug user to tell the truth. Plenty of men will say 'oh she was a slag and slept around' when it's actually 'I dumped her because weed/coke/my opportunities to fuck models and be an international man of mystery and intrigue/claim the dole uninterrupted might have been curtailed by responsibility'.

I wouldn't ask her outright - but I'd say 'You profile came up on the People You Might Know list, I wondered how your Mum was doing, but I also saw you've had a baby - congratulations, he's beautiful!' and leave it to her to decide whether to say anything about the father.

And then you can ask if he knows, because he hasn't told you - you can still be a positive aspect, even if you don't tell him about it.

If he doesn't know, she doesn't need a paranoid stoner hefting up at her door demanding his rights. But I reckon he does and he's told her to fuck off.

[RoomR0613]

I would send a simple message that makes it clear your son hasn't given you any details and let her her know you are open to contact if she wants.

E.g.

Congratulations 'X' I had no idea you were now a mum! Baby X looks beautiful, and it looks like you are doing great job. Hope you and baby X are doing ok'