To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

[AskingforaBaskin]

I would not involve your son. He is vile and would only be a danger to this woman and the baby.

Contact the mother, but if I were her and he was your GC I wouldn't even reply to you while he was in your life.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

@worstwitch18 has got it pretty spot on with that message I think, you're opening up the channel of communication if she does wish to talk, and if not you've done a nice thing which will make her feel more comfortable contacting you in the future if she wants to.

I would definitely look into getting some help for your son though, have you contacted your GP for advice? They maybe able to signpost you to some support for his drug problem

[DamnYankee]

You insinuated grandparents don’t have any rights. They do

What rights?? The OP doesn't know if the child is her DS'.

I've suffered with anxiety and depression for years. I have managed from very young. Yes, I had my parents' help at 15, but I carried it forward. I have assembled a MH team that I can call on for support. It isn't that hard.
OP, it sounds like your DS is taking advantage of you. The (maybe) DC may seem a welcome distraction, but does your DS really need to be in the child's life now?

[DamnYankee]

*DGC (?)
Don't hope for it. It won't "fix" your DS.
Sending positive thoughts!

[mishahotit]

I’m definitely not sat here all emotional gooey and excited at the possibility of having a grandchild. If anything all I feel is absolute dread.

I hope the little boy isn’t his. I worry sick about DS and his mental health. You read about all these young men committing suicide and I’m terrified he will become one. Want nothing more than for him to deal with his weed dependence and seek help. He’s my son, I love him. If this child is his whether he knows about him know or not it might eventually be something that helps him but could also push him over the edge. But then it’s disgraceful for DS to act as if he doesn’t exist regardless of his MH. If baby is his it’s a further distraction from him seeking help.

I can’t just ignore my grandchild though. Right now the main issue is how I’m going to figure out if he is my grandchild while causing the least stress and upset for all involved. I won’t be sleeping tonight

[mishahotit]

She does have a lovely supportive family though. All very decent people. No sign of baby’s father or father’s family on her page whatsoever.

[ThighThighofthigh]

I honestly would let sleeping dogs lie and not make any contact.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

Yeah talk to her directly and find out if she wants him in the baby's life. Respect her wishes.

[DilemmaDame]

Don't 'gently ask' if the baby is your son's FFS she's not gormless she will know who the father of her child is, unless you want to send her a message that says 'I know you were shagging around last summer just wanted to know if this is my grandkid?'

I agree with PPs who say she might be very reluctant to go behind your son's back - she would have every right to but if he's turned his back on her she might feel it's pointless.

I would write to her and say "dear [Claire] I just saw on FB that you had a lovely little boy last year, congratulations he's lovely (etc etc). Please let me know if you would ever like to go for a coffee I hope you are both well"

Leave it up to her she might not want either of you in the baby's life. 😕

And also talk to your son but don't mention you've contacted her, just say "I saw Claire had a baby, did you know?" see how the conversation goes. If he knows you are in contact with her he might 'kick off' and tell her to stay away from you etc.

[AwwDontGo]

I can’t just ignore my grandchild though

Yes you can. I think considering your sons problems then I think it would be best. The child doesn’t need him in his life at the moment. He is just a baby and if your son is the Dad then he wouldn’t be much of a good one. I’d do nothing for now other than try and help you son as much as possible. I am sure you are doing that already.
Also, make sure you look after yourself and don’t let him be horrible to you.

[Italiangreyhound]

"I can’t just ignore my grandchild though." OP I tend to agree that you cannot just ignore the situation if you feel it is right for you to look into this now.

You could, if you wanted to, ignore the situation and just put your efforts into your son. That would be fine and perfectly acceptable. IMHO.

However, if you really feel you need to find out then I think it is best to explore it now. It does sound very stressful.

[Tavannach]

Dear X, hope you are well and coping with lockdown! You popped up in my "people you may know list." I've been thinking about you recently. Hope your mum is ok. I see that you had a baby - congratulations! I had no idea. He looks beautiful. Best wishes, mishahotit

Perfect.

I think you should also talk to your GP about how you best deal with your DS's drug use and its effect on your health, in particular your anxiety levels. Skunk is vicious and destructive.

[missnevermind]

I would message her.
Something along the lines of I saw on facebook that you have a new baby. He is beautiful. Would it be appropriate for me to send you a gift. And when we are able and the shops are back open I would love to take you both for coffee and cake.

[ARoseInHarlem]

I think I would see the potential grandchild as my responsibility. If I hadn’t succeeded in raising my son to do the right thing (not criticising you, there could be any number of reasons why this might be the case - also I’m really not one to talk), I’d consider the consequences of his actions, this type of action, to be my duty to deal with.

What’s “this type of action”? Having a child and not doing the right thing by him/her. You don’t know if the baby is your son’s, or if he even knows about the baby, so that’s where I would be starting. No matter how awful he is to you. You need to look through him for the time it takes to establish the facts. Then, if the baby does turn out to be his, I would slowly start doing right by the baby and it’s mother (for me, that means asking what she wants, if anything, and taking it from there), while putting up with my son.

This possible grandchild is here for life (hopefully). It’s done nothing wrong, and deserves everything. Maybe your son will take 20 years to get there, maybe he’ll never get there, but you won’t do anything wrong by doing right.

[EL8888]

From my experience then yes she’s probably been looking at your profile an that’s why she’s on the ‘friends you may know’ list. I also like the Dear X letter suggestion. It’s a nice way to engage and puts the ball in her court with no pressure

Amused by the ageism. OP could be my age (40) or younger or my Mum’s age (60 odd). It’s not possible to make age assumptions

[mishahotit]

Did wonder if she’d been looking me up. Odd she appeared as we have no mutual friends and live in a large city.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

I thought looking up people, didn't mean they appeared on their friends you may know list?
There have been threads on this.

[EL8888]

@mishahotit exactly, that’s what l mean. I’ve had a similar experience in the past, plus there is no way Facebook could know you know each other

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@Bookoffacts you have rights as a grandmother.

Unfortunately this is a huuuge myth. The one and ONLY time this is the case, is when the child already has a provable, lasting & meaningful bond with their grandchild and they are suddenly being refused contact. This is based on it being detrimental to the child.

Grandparents have zero legal rights

[DarkUnicorn]

Haven’t read all the replies but I agree with Phesant Plucker, you could ask her gently, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. If they have split because of the weed smoking she might possibly get a bit defensive so be patient. However you said she was a lovely girl and you got on so surely there’s no reason why that may have changed. Maybe ask her if shes free to catch up for a socially distanced chat? Or if you might be able to call her (the tone of messages can sometimes be misconstrued) Or if you weren’t comfortable asking her direct could you maybe approach her Mum?

The dates add up, surely any mother could not criticise another mother for being concerned that she might have a grandchild.

You’re not a nosy old cow at all, if that is potentially your grandchild you have a right to know as the baby would.

With regards to logistics going forward, I wouldn’t think about the if’s, but’s and maybes, don’t label anything, there could be a number of different scenarios and outcomes. Just take one day at a time and be prepared to hear things you may not like... if you do, gather your thoughts and take some time if you need to, before you respond. If your suspicions are true the relationship you build with Mum now will pave the way for future relations. If the baby isn’t at least you can put your mind at ease and move forward.

Weed is a horrific drug as it lures people into the false sense of security that it isn’t physically addictive but having first hand experience with family members it most certainly is psychologically, ( obvs not qualified to make that diagnosis) but seen how awful it is. Theres absolutely no reason why, with the right support, your son can’t get back on track and if the baby were his that he couldn’t be a good father.

Hope it all works out for you all

[Mary8076]

I didn't read all the message.

I would focus on the baby, his/her needs are the most important thing... and he/she needs a father, he needs grandparents, he needs a family. No matter the relationship between mom and dad, if not now, some day he will ask where's my father. All of you should do the best for him/her.

I would talk with your son, it's too important, I'd start the conversation telling this is not about you or me, this is for the baby, I feel I should do something for the baby, in case.

[DarkUnicorn]

@missnevermind. Just having a flick through replies, your suggestion sounds perfect 👌

[DarkUnicorn]

@Mary8076 agreed her son needs to hear this. You’re absolutely right about it being about the baby.

[earthyfire]

AwwDontGo - are you for real? What a heartless comment.

[TiggerOfThigh]

I’m going to say something possibly unpopular, but I wouldn’t raise it with your son at all, not even in a ‘did you know...’

What if he didn’t and that prompts him to get in touch? Cause trouble for this girl and her baby who may or may not be your GC, he may not be as subtle as you.

Talk to the girl, not your son, not until you’re sure it’s safe, and let’s be fair, it won’t change him.
She will be able to tell you if he knows. Ask! And tell her why you’re asking, and that it can stay between you if she wants that