There is no such thing as "the terrible twos"?

[maybemaybeII]

Not a TAAT but there is an active thread about how parenting a toddler is hard and many parents leave their child in the cot and just walk out for 5minutes to get a breather because they can't cope.

I have two toddlers of different ages, very close age gap, but have never yelled at them or put them in "time out", or felt the need to walk away from them because they're misbehaving and driving me crazy. They've never drawn on the walls, or poured a packet of flour on the flour, or gone in to my makeup bag and destroyed my lipstick.. all the stuff you see on Instagram from time to time with a caption "toddlers are dicks/arseholes".

I'm not a perfect mum, my toddlers are currently watching Hey Duggee and about to have pain au chocolat's for breakfast (!!), and yes it is absolutely exhausting having a toddler, but AIBU to think some of the blame with badly behaved toddlers does in fact lie with the parent and "terrible twos" in bullshit? Getting my tin hat on!

Are you taking the piss? It's only 8:30am and I've already had mine climbing on the cooker, getting into a box of cereal and trying to remove the drawers from his sister's wardrobe..

I should add he is generally a good kid, he would never hurt a fly and usually stops when told to. He is VERY energetic.

Your children are toddlers, you’ve barely got started!!

Yeah, this. My friend had 2 calm, well-behaved toddlers - and they didn't even own a TV. They used to play nicely together and with other children, put their toys away without being reminded etc etc.

14 years later and the younger one is now the local drug-dealer and has trashed the house with massive parties on more than one occasion. Just saying.

@maybemaybeII not sure if that was directed at me as I mentioned DD was hitting out - no, it isn’t acceptable, which is why we are using more time outs and needing firmer discipline at the moment, which is sort of of the point of your thread isn’t it?

I’m not 100% sure this thread is real!

Oh god my eldest was an angel at two looking back. 7-10 has been a mission and I think her teenage years will possibly break me. Though I'm secretly hoping she's getting it all out of her system now. My youngest is 2 and the typical toddler. Throwing things, drawing on everything. Climbing everything.

My children have taught me lots, but mostly that all children are different. And that you definitely shouldn't be too judgey or smug. It'll probably come back to bite you later. I'm doing things with my second that I definitely remember silently judging other parents for with my eldest

No, because it’s not two it happens but three/four! But it will happen! Kids need to test boundaries, it’s part of them growing up.

The concept of ‘the terrible twos’ doesn’t hold across different cultures so I’d think that it was more a product of the particular culture we live in rather than something intrinsic to child development.

That's a good point, I always think this about sleep...I've never heard an Italian person talk about self-settling, and people tend to think babies that sleep through the night are lucky flukes. It makes you worry about sleep a lot less!

Oh bless you OP, your kids are so young. Wonder if you youngest will have the terrible twos you don't believe in...

I am sorry to say OP that for my eldest the challenging time was 2.5-3.5.

Of course every parent is different. Some have less effective strategies, some have less patience/coping skills (which may be dependent on other things they are going through). But every child is different too. Toddlers feel strong emotions that they don't fully understand and can't fully express. They explore the world giving no thought to the consequences of that e.g. drawing on the wall in lipstick.

I like to think I am a fairly effective parent. I am lucky to have a great DH, good role models growing up in my parents and a job working with young people. I still sometimes lock myself in the bathroom for 5 mins because they are pushing my buttons. (Although more so with my 3yo than at 2!)

I really don't think you can reach any sort of meaningful conclusion from a sample of 2.

All children are different. Yours might choose tomorrow to go absolutely batcrap crazy . Or they may remain docile for life. Who knows? It certainly isn't right for you to start criticising others based on such limited experience.

Wait till you have a 13 year old. You'll get your comeuppance for being so smug

Children are all different, my DS1 was a very easy toddler, but had terrible trouble controlling his emotions at 8/9 then was a very laid back teenager.

What I have learned is never to feel smug at any stage of parenting because the next stage is always just around the corner gearing up to show you how ridiculous you were.

Have your wee parenting medal. That is why you posted, isn't it? To be smug and sanctimonious.

My children are adults - you have a long road ahead and TV & carbs will not solve every problem. Good luck - you'll need it.

That's great for you, but maybe acknowledge you could be a bit lucky?

Like those who had easy pregnancies, natural births no pain relief, newborn days, sleep regressions. You're unlikely to have it all go swimmingly but if you do, don't make everyone else feel bad.

We went through a terrible stage of hitting and hair pulling. Just because we went through a stage does that mean in your eyes it was acceptable to us? We are passed it now but it felt awful whilst in it.

But you're only halfway into the "twos"; how can you tell?!

I have two toddlers, 2.5 and 3.5; neither of them have (so far) done any of the "pulling the place apart" stuff that seems to be stereotypical stuff. However, they do both tantrum.

The 3.5yo has a speech delay and suspected ASD; she gets very frustrated, either with us not understanding her or having very specific ideas of how things should be, and no amount of cajoling, distraction, or calming, squat-down-and-make-eye-contact chat help her tantrums; the last one often winds her up even more. The only thing that works is gasp time outs. And they really do work.

The 2.5yo is an exceptionally easygoing child. Her tantrums are very rare and very short-lived and she is usually back to laughter within seconds. I've never had to send her to time out or got to the point where I want to yell at her.

I don't take credit either for the tantrumming kid or the non-tantrumming kid. Their behaviour is very much down to their own characters and needs.

I can't imagine thinking my kids' perfect behaviour was entirely my doing, and more, wanting to go on to a parental chat site and actually trying to blame other parents for their kids' tantrums 🤦‍♀️ When I've been a parent for less than three years to boot!

So, yeah, I hope that hard hat was well made.

My DC was an absolute angel up to and through the "terrible twos". I was (internally) very smug about it... and then he turned 3 and I spent a year pulling my hair out. Best of luck, do come back and update the thread in a couple of years and let us know how you get on

Lamazey

Are you taking the piss? It's only 8:30am and I've already had mine climbing on the cooker, getting into a box of cereal and trying to remove the drawers from his sister's wardrobe.

He sounds very busy. He’s making his own brekky and helping with the laundry.

Smug.

You give other parents a bad name. Instead of recognising that your children (currently) are not testing your parenting and counting your blessings that (for now) you’re finding parenting a breeze, you decide to turn that round into judging and criticising other parents.

At 16 months and 2.5 yrs old your children’s behaviour is NOT down to your brilliant parenting skills (unless your strategy to appease them is whatever they want for breakfast and TV on demand, in which case you’re storing up a world of pain for yourself).

My 1st child was a breeze at 2 but was testing at 3-4. My youngest was a nightmare from 13mths until about 4.5 because (spoiler alert) ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT!

So take your smug, judgey hat off, because you might find that when you actually DO need support, it might not be available.

Can't wait to hear about your theenager, OP.

Ha ha ha OP!

Let me tell you now that at some point your cherubs will be bloody difficult. It may not be at age 2. Mine were fine. Harder at 3-4 years old. And then there are the teenage years.....

So pat yourself on your back and well done.

But know this, you'll think back to your shitty judgemental words when they are being a total pain and be mortified.

Enjoy.

Nobody likes a smug parent OP.
Especially as you have little experience really 3-5 in my experience is harder than 2. I have a 7 and 4 year old both mine were relatively easy at 2.

You sound like my mother. She thinks she was so good at it but that s because we were really easy kids. For some reason she doesn't know how to deal with her grandkids tantrums.

I've had five. All adult now. First one was a defiant, naughty two year old and difficult until the age of twenty. Fine now
Second was quiet, no problem. Awful teenage years due to ADD, diagnosed as an adult. Fine now.
Third, dream two year old, awful teenager. Fine now.
Fourth, terrible toddler, awful up until school age. Fine now.
Fifth, well behaved all her life. Fine now.

It's not you, your miraculous parenting - it's just children being different. Sometimes they just defer the bad behaviour.

The term 'terrible two's' is used for a reason. They're fractious and throwing a tantrum one minute then cuddly and cute the next. It's called
learning