There is no such thing as "the terrible twos"?

[maybemaybeII]

Not a TAAT but there is an active thread about how parenting a toddler is hard and many parents leave their child in the cot and just walk out for 5minutes to get a breather because they can't cope.

I have two toddlers of different ages, very close age gap, but have never yelled at them or put them in "time out", or felt the need to walk away from them because they're misbehaving and driving me crazy. They've never drawn on the walls, or poured a packet of flour on the flour, or gone in to my makeup bag and destroyed my lipstick.. all the stuff you see on Instagram from time to time with a caption "toddlers are dicks/arseholes".

I'm not a perfect mum, my toddlers are currently watching Hey Duggee and about to have pain au chocolat's for breakfast (!!), and yes it is absolutely exhausting having a toddler, but AIBU to think some of the blame with badly behaved toddlers does in fact lie with the parent and "terrible twos" in bullshit? Getting my tin hat on!

I guess you're referring to my thread? I'm sorry that I cannot be as perfect a parent as you, OP.

It's understood that children at this age are ego centric. They don't have empathy or compassion and we spend a lot of time helping them with this. They are also learning to manage and acknowledge a large range of feelings and this often leads to melt downs and feelings of being overwhelmed.

There are physiological factors going on which go beyond parenting. If you've lucked out with your children don't congratulate yourself too much and please don't berate parents who aren't so lucky.

Ps I suspect you'll learn this for yourself at some point but if not then you really are very lucky

Lovely for you, but I don't understand why you'd approach it from the angle of 'it must be that I am RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG'? I'm finding my nearly two year old a joy and a breeze at the moment but all I feel about this is lucky and trying to enjoy it while it lasts; I don't think it means I've got it all right, just like I don't think not enjoying months 4-8 of his first year meant I'd got it all wrong - it was just a tricky stage, and this one is an easy one for me, with my particular child. That could all change, very fast.

Ages 1, 3 and 4 were also pretty hard work with DC1. DC2 was easy all the way through apart from not being a brilliant sleeper. So yeah, I don't think 2s are particularly worse than other toddler ages but if yours are easy it's because you've got easy children I'm afraid, not because other people are doing it wrong.

I have twin three year olds. They both tantrum when we don’t let them do frankly ridiculous things that they want to do. Eg: go out in the rain in just t shirt and pants. Tantrums are perfectly normal behaviour, they are learning to voice their own opinions and assert themselves but can not articulate how they are feeling so have a beautiful little foot stomping tantrum.
Yes I have put them in time out when they are not using “kind hands” but they understand that is the consequence and It’s rare they go there a few months In.
Maybe your children aren’t going to throw tantrums or draw on the walls but it doesn’t mean that everyone else is getting it wrong

Also, as I've said before, when I put my daughter in her cot for five minutes, it's not to discipline her as she's a little too young to be naughty. It's to calm MYSELF down so I don't get too angry. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad parent, but would you rather I didn't put her in her cot and instead lost my rag with her?

Maybe your children are emotionally delayed OP

Quite apart from everything else, that isn't how you pluralise pain au chocolat.

You’re very smug aren’t you. My daughter was a little angel until she hit 3. Whilst she never drew on walls or destroyed things she was extremely belligerent, awkward and contrary about absolutely everything.
Well done for making other parents feel shit though. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting a toddler in a cot and giving yourself five minutes.

Totally agree with you, OP. I have never some across this personally with any of my children or any relatives.
I suppose you, as a parent, need to be aware of the child's developmental stage, but I found letting them be as independent as possible and giving them a fairly consistent daily "routine" avoided any potential "meltdowns".
Letting them "help" with day-to-day activities was also a good strategy as was training them to know when I said "no" I meant it.
Whilst I am all for "discussion" you cannot "discuss" with a toddler, so you have to step up and be the parent.
It can be quite relentless for the first 2 to 3 years, but if you are consistent it does get better and by 4 to 5 becomes a total non-issue (although other ones take its place).

You won’t need a tin hat, you’ll need a suit of armour ! Children change as they grow. My first son was a scream baby but joy at two Years old and was pretty good beyond that,. My second son was a brilliant baby but hell from age 2 to five. Both have been through good education and now have brilliant careers and are a pleasure to be around

I spent two feeling really smug as my son was beautiful and kind and generally a total pleasure to be around. Then three hit. And I was handed my smugness on a plate.

Sorry that you have children who aren’t curious about the world or testing boundaries.

I don’t like to say that the more curious children who like to explore and push limits etc are more intelligent...but my paediatrician has said that to me 😁

3.5 yr old twins here. The 2's were a walk in the park compared to 3's. 3 year olds can be absolute savage.

@Persipan

Comment of the thread.

You may have a very different experience to this, but my Daughter was so so well behaved until the last few months (she is 3 in July).

She never cried as a baby, put herself to sleep, was absolutely no trouble at all. She turned 2 and I still couldn't understand what everyone was on about with the terrible 2's as she was so well behaved. I thought because her speech was so brilliant that she had skipped the bad phase as she could just tell me what her problems were etc.

I would say about 5 months ago she completely changed. There are days now where she can scream most of the day, throws tantrums because there are bubbles in the bath, when she asked for bubbles in the bath. She is SO irrational and has a melt down at home, in town, in front of people. She turns in to a massive ball of rage out of nowhere! Screams at bedtime, refuses to go and generally just goes absolutely mental if she doesn't want to do what you ask. I could jump out of the window some days listening to her.

Hopefully not the same for you, but I also wondered what all the fuss was about and now I completely get it!

I think it's cute that you put this down to your parenting. I hope you know that it's 70% out of your control, it's important that you do because when things aren't so rosy you're going to struggle.

But in all seriousness, what sort of responses did you think you'd get to this?

I don’t like to say that the more curious children who like to explore and push limits etc are more intelligent...but my paediatrician has said that to me

As a statement of fact....?

@maybemaybeII

They are 2.5yrs and 16m

You gave a 16m old pain au chocolate?

Yeah right. This is a goady thread.

Also your children are 2.5 and 16m. One isn’t even IN the terrible twos, and the other is only halfway through and quite possibly just a bit behind. Don’t worry, they will catch up tinkly laugh - maybe!

All 3 of my DC's, who are ridiculously well behaved, went absolutely nuts for about a year at some point between the age of 12 and 36 months. I would say it was a developmental stage. As they develop a sense of separation from their carer, they become aware they want different things to their career. They are impulsive, have terrible emotional regulation and cannot wait. In other words, they know what they want and they want it now. They haven't yet developed sophisticated ways of getting what they want ( eg asking nicely) or patience, so they go bananas. They have limited understanding of cause and consequence so they don't understand why stuff happens and why sometimes their wishes are thwarted.

When they are very young, I' m not sure that what parents do in the face tantrums makes much difference. As kids get older, their language improves and they gain more control over their emotions, how parents respond makes a difference.

OP - you kids may be particularly placid or they may not yet have reached the developmental stage. In any case, one thing I've learned as a parent over the years, is that's it's best never to feel smug about ones parenting. As soon as you do, something comes up to bite you.

I also think that different kids can present different issues at different stages. Two of my DC's are now teens. They are delightful. They were both very, very difficult to manage as babies with all sorts of tummy troubles that led to limited sleep, constant throwing up and lots and lots of screaming. Many of my parenting peers who had delightful, "easy" babies are now having a nightmare with their teens.

Could we give the OP some strategies so they don’t need to rely on television during breakfast?

What is the point of this thread? Did you miss the memo about Mumsnet being a place for parents to find support?

Fair enough, sometime people need a few home truths or tough love in response to a specific query, but what are you trying to achieve by saying that everyone who posts about problematic 2 year-olds is a shit parent?

Based in your own sample of one 2.5 year old and a child who is not yet even close to two? You literally have only 6 months of experience of this subject upon which you claim to be such an expert.

Oh and my son was an angel all through his year of being two. Three, on the other hand- hard going. It’s much harder when they can negotiate with you and can’t just be physically made to do/stop doing something. With a bit of divine justice your elder one will become a threenager just as the 16 month old enters the Terrible Twos. Then maybe you’ll regret this post.

My toddler never trashed the house because I was, errr...supervising her...

OP do you realise how smug you sound?

For what it's worth my toddler was perfect until she turned 2 years 7 months and suddenly her emotions got much bigger and she realised she didn't have to please me all the time. Doesn't mean I'm a shit parent.