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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to dump him (Offensive word warning)

366 replies

OntheWaves40 · 12/06/2020 23:46

Been seeing someone 12 months. Nice, down to earth, guy or so I thought.
Today, in reply to “what have you been up to” (I don’t even want to repeat it it’s that bad) he said “nothing much, just been monging out in front of the telly”.
I’m so mad at myself, I didn’t react, I just thought wtf did he just say that, is there a different meaning that I’ve totally never heard of etc. I’ve got home and realising there is no excuse, I know what I have to do I’m just bloody gutted that he turned out to be so vile.

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 13/06/2020 01:52

I’m old enough to remember mongoloid being the common term for someone with Down’s Syndrome. I have heard it used in a very derogatory way towards my friend’s child with Down’s.

The phrase meaning zoning out or lazing about comes originally from a disablist slur. People don’t always realise that. If, once it’s explained to them, they then try to defend continuing to use it, that would be the stage I’d drop them. If, like most decent people, they stop using it once they realise its potential to offend, I’d be fine with that.

Vodkacranberryplease · 13/06/2020 01:56

It took me ages to work this out because I thought there was some really horrible phrase you couldn't bear to write before the one you did write. Then another few minutes to click.

Not a phrase I use but not uncommon amongst younger guys and I don't think that they are being offensive deliberately. Is there any particular relationship between relaxing and Down's syndrome? Or is it just one of those sayings?

You are overreacting. Explain that it's not a saying that people use any more and that you really hate it.

AllNaturalIngredients · 13/06/2020 01:57

Never heard this word either, no idea what it means

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/06/2020 01:58

Why are you looking for things to be offended about. FFS the world really has cracked its face. Everyone one is treading on egg shells. It's going way beyond a joke.
To be honest I think you must have had a problem with him before and you've finally found your reason or excuse to dump him.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/06/2020 01:58

@Bookoffacts

I used can't be arsed for years without realising it was rude. I just never made the connection.
What does it mean?
CharlottesPleb · 13/06/2020 02:00

Yeah sounds like a bit of a red flag, should definitely run a mile in my opinion, nobody needs the kind of person in their life who would be so melodramatic as to break up a relationship over an innocuous text.

ttim985y · 13/06/2020 02:02

I also want to know what can't be arsed means?

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/06/2020 02:02

I got my arse handed to me on here for using the word mong to mean lazing. I had absolutely no idea, but was absolutely roasted when I used it on a thread.

Mumsnet is weird. If you'd posted a thread asking it was reasonable to use 'monging about' meaning lazing around, you'd be destroyed. Ask if someone else is unreasonable and you get accused of over reacting.

Meanwhile, in real world land. Stupid thing to say, more than likely he doesn't realise what if means. Speak to him and tell him why it's not acceptable, then move on. If the idiot keeps using the word, you've got your answer.

priya38 · 13/06/2020 02:06

@ttim985y

Can't be arsed means can't be bothered/feeling lazy etc.

1forAll74 · 13/06/2020 02:14

I always thought it meant chilling out after smoking weed or such. If it is the case, is it that you didn't know he smoked weed.

StoppinBy · 13/06/2020 02:24

This is the meaning I got when I searched the word...

The act of just relaxing and chilling out, sometimes (though not necessarily) whilst or after having partaken in the smoking of Cannabis. Monging usually takes place around the house however could occur in any comfortable exterior location of choice, e.g. sauna, field, hottub, etc. Origin presumed to be from mong as in the act that such a person performs.

StoppinBy · 13/06/2020 02:25

While I wouldn't date someone who smoked cannabis I can't see how saying it is so offensive that you need to dump him. I always thought it meant just doing nothing.

StoppinBy · 13/06/2020 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ttim985y · 13/06/2020 02:35

lol yes I know what it means but a poster upthread said they hadn't realised it was rude. I don't know what this rude meaning is supposed to be?

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/06/2020 02:39

I also use the word 'spaz' and have never heard it used offensively, I have said things like 'my dog is such a spazzo' to mean, she is hyper, super energetic and just a tad crazy.

You have never heard it used offensively because you are not disabled. You do not have spastic muscle spasms that lead you to have no control over some of your limbs so that they appear to be hyper, super energetic or just a tad crazy. Perhaps if you were then you hear it differently. Please dont use it again.

wildcherries · 13/06/2020 02:56

@PyongyangKipperbang

I also use the word 'spaz' and have never heard it used offensively, I have said things like 'my dog is such a spazzo' to mean, she is hyper, super energetic and just a tad crazy.

You have never heard it used offensively because you are not disabled. You do not have spastic muscle spasms that lead you to have no control over some of your limbs so that they appear to be hyper, super energetic or just a tad crazy. Perhaps if you were then you hear it differently. Please dont use it again.

Yes to this. I was called spaz as a child. It has stayed with me into adulthood. It makes me sad still when I hear it. It isn't a nice word to use.
Inthebelljar · 13/06/2020 03:03

Total overreaction. Why don’t you discuss it with him and give him the chance to respond and hopefully correct himself? He might not even realise the negative connotations surrounding it.

Whatnext2018 · 13/06/2020 03:59

I heard it lots growing up at school (North West) it meant being tired almost..doing nothing. I didn’t actually think about the meaning and don’t think others did, which is bad really but we used it innocently and sometimes these things stick.
I personally wouldn’t write him off for that, he’s perhaps not even thinking what it means, you could let him know and he likely will re think and not use it again.

Whatnext2018 · 13/06/2020 04:02

Wait..what’s wrong with saying ‘Can’t be arsed?’ 🤷‍♀️

longtimecomin · 13/06/2020 04:07

I knew the mongjng around meaning as in lounging/being lazy. Didn't know the other meaning till I read this thread. It's not a dumping offence, what else did he say that was so bad?

Waveysnail · 13/06/2020 04:08

Iv heard it used and used it in the past (was common phrase in orth east when I was growing up) Didnt even realise it had bad connotations Blush

Waveysnail · 13/06/2020 04:15

'Turned out to be vile' omg you so overreacting. All you have to say is 'please dont use that phrase because x,y,z''

Midsommar · 13/06/2020 04:22

Talk about a massive overreaction OP! Chill.

bojkaboom · 13/06/2020 04:32

@Whatnext2018

Wait..what’s wrong with saying ‘Can’t be arsed?’ 🤷‍♀️
Still watching this thread because of this. Want to know too.
Swipe left for the next trending thread