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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to dump him (Offensive word warning)

366 replies

OntheWaves40 · 12/06/2020 23:46

Been seeing someone 12 months. Nice, down to earth, guy or so I thought.
Today, in reply to “what have you been up to” (I don’t even want to repeat it it’s that bad) he said “nothing much, just been monging out in front of the telly”.
I’m so mad at myself, I didn’t react, I just thought wtf did he just say that, is there a different meaning that I’ve totally never heard of etc. I’ve got home and realising there is no excuse, I know what I have to do I’m just bloody gutted that he turned out to be so vile.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 14/06/2020 18:40

Shona what do you think re my previous post - is that ok too?

Snaketime · 14/06/2020 18:42

You have said he is Indian and doesn't understand English words, the chances are he doesn't know that it is a horrible outdated word. I would talk to him, ask him first what he thinks that word means, if he says chilling/being lazy tell him what it actually means and tell him you were offended by it, if he apologises and sounds genuinely shocked move on from this, if not move on from him.

SugarNyx · 14/06/2020 18:56

I don’t understand why you’re so mad, it’s just a word and contextually was inoffensive. Drama queen much

Wonkydonkey44 · 14/06/2020 19:05

Awful word to use but I would have pulled him up on it then and there and told him .

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 14/06/2020 19:15

Overreacting or what?

You have been with him for a year and you wonder whether to dump him over a saying!

He was not attacking any group with the saying monging, it is just a saying! If you want to leave him then leave, don't use such a flimsy excuse and try to get back up from people on here saying yes, dump him!

In fact yes dump him and set the bloke free from you!

Christ!

Nevergonnagiveitup · 14/06/2020 19:23

Over reacting.

sallyfox · 14/06/2020 19:56

"monging n. being under the influence of depressants or other drugs (especially for recreational use); idling, relaxing, or vegetating (especially due to drugs or alcohol or their after-effects); vegging out, chilling out, or chillaxing. Also, monged out, adj., feeling dulled, sluggish, or drugged."

Shouldhavebeenkat · 14/06/2020 20:05

To those saying it just means like being stoned, go on, have a think why being under the influence or lying around stoned and having a very severe learning disability might be related! THAT is why... it’s an extension of mong for exactly the same reason as spazing and is NOT ok urban dictionary or not (btw you do realise urban dictionary is full of very un pc terms?)

now it’s been explained fairly often and it’s not ok any more than calling someone tanned an n word, it’s exactly the same! Maybe some of you need to think why you are trying to defend your fairly obvious use of hate terminology?

Iggi999 · 14/06/2020 20:07

I totally agree. Letting little bits of negative speech pass unchallenged is a slippery slope.

MacBlank · 14/06/2020 20:25

Obvs I misread when she said she didn't want to repeat, what he said and then wrote the word monging, I didn't realise that was THE offensive phrase.

It's only reading further on (hence my second comment, and before yours) that I saw which word was the offensive word.

I still don't see it as offensive in its context.

I think more it's people WANTING to create offence, or a reason to dump.someone when they too are meeting up with others, whilst critising him.

Personally @OntheWaves40, if after a few months you 2 hadn't decided to go STEADY and monogamous, then neither of you are taking it as a proper relationship.

When I distant dated many years ago, I didn't meet anyone of the female variety in a date type situation. I still met with female friends, but that was it.... Female friends she'd met on one visit.

FelicisNox · 14/06/2020 20:57

Whilst it's not great there's no context here I.e age and people use offensive words all the time without realising the underlying meaning.... I've done it plenty in the past and it's because I picked it up from family members.

Generation and a lack of education has a lot to do with it.

I may not have the whole picture (but that's because you're leaving bits out) but I do this you're seemingly overreacting.

Bluntness100 · 14/06/2020 20:58

She’s already said his age. Reading the thread is a thing.

petelacey · 14/06/2020 20:59

It's only offensive to you because you want an excuse. It's one of many phrases that used over ages cease to have an obvious link to their derivation. 'Mongol' yes it's crass perhaps, insensitive but the few times I've heard the 'mong' word used they didn't realise the connection, it had become obscured. You are being too woke. Too late now though you've got your virtuous excuse all set. He's had a lucky escape.

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 14/06/2020 21:02

At all those still saying it’s means chilling out. Please read the thread, please looks at the Ricky Gervais thing. It is awful and offensive so stop justifying the use of such awful language. I accept that he might not know the origins and didn’t realise and it’s better to explain and hope he gets it, unlike lots of posters on here.
English is his first language. So many people make judgements based on him being Indian. I never stated anywhere in my OP that he’s Indian, because it isn’t relevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 14/06/2020 21:09

I’ve already said we are both 40, he’s is highly educated and his job involves having to communicate to a very high standard on a daily basis (albeit the queen’s English and not urban dictionary’s as quoted throughout this thread).

OP posts:
L777 · 14/06/2020 21:50

Fucking hell you're ridiculous

rachaelclaire1 · 14/06/2020 22:16

It means chilling. Not language appropriate but there is so much that is not really

lilgreen · 14/06/2020 22:55

It doesn’t mean chilling but people mean that. However, it comes from sitting in a vegetative state as though they have a disability. That’s not ok and should be pointed out to him.

StormzyInaDCup · 14/06/2020 23:04

Oh my goodness @OntheWaves40 you are incredibly exhausting just to read! How is this poor guy surviving this level of judgement and high maintenance.. He must have to tread on eggshells around you.

Dump him for goodness sake. Put him out of his misery.

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 14/06/2020 23:25

Stormzy how ironic that you talk about judgement and proceed to judge me.

OP posts:
Bluesparkled · 14/06/2020 23:58

I used a word the other day that my friend told me was racist- obviously I was mortified, educated and won’t use it again, but I’d have been so upset if she’d just decided not to be friends with me anymore and not told me why- and even more upset when I found out and realised I might have said the word again as no-one would have told me!

GiveUsACoffee · 15/06/2020 01:01

I don’t think he meant what you think. Plenty of people I know use that word to refer to the super-chilled, relaxed feeling that comes from smoking weed. I’m not aware (sorry for my ignorance) of any other connotation. If someone dumped me for using the word I would be really confused.

HirooOnoda · 15/06/2020 02:43

@OntheWaves40

If there is an issue here it is you, spectacularly unequivocally you. Do this poor chap a favour and let him go

Poor chap? Why would you think that? Because I don’t like his use of an outdated, offensive term? Clutches pearls, someone save the poor chap from me, heavens forbid that I, as a woman, have an opinion on someone using an outdated, offensive term. I can see why my having an opinion may be a hanging offence to some, now get back in that kitchen and make your husband his tea then.

@OntheWaves40 oh OP, your post doesn’t really reflect well on you, not that I am in any way surprised. How you think telling me to get back into the kitchen is an appropriate response I don’t know. You do understand how silly and petty that makes you sound?

You wanted to castigate the man you have been seeing for over a year, a good man (your words not mine) for what I suspect was an innocent if not ill informed comment. You didn’t take the logical step of explaining your distaste or why it is so inappropriate. You created a thread you likely thought would certainly offer you the validation you are seeking. It hasn’t really worked out that way has it? Your response to this is likely borne out of some deep seated guilt derived from you needing to seek the company of other men. If you don’t want to be with this chap that’s fine, do the honourable thing and end it, don’t create an artificial excuse to do so, it’s rather immature.

Also, do you see the irony of suggesting I am somehow clutching pearls on a thread you created which is essentially the definition of pearl clutching? No, I didn’t think you would / could see that.

I mean you no ill will but feel the validation you seek can only come from within. That seems a long way off for you right now and for that reason, amongst many others, would suggest that this relationship has no future but let’s not pretend for a second that’s as a result of his one throw away comment, it’s rather transparent to a woman of my age. Let him go, he will be happier, learn to love yourself, it will allow you to hopefully be happy too one day Flowers

pollymere · 15/06/2020 03:29

Monging out used to have an etymology suggesting drugs, but is now urban slang for chilling out or relaxing. I'm not aware of any derogatory connotations. To be a monger might suggest disability but if you've been with him that long, chances are he uses it the way I've heard it used. People aren't always aware of words having offensive meanings. Had to explain whiny, slattern and bint to DH last weekend (he wasn't using them btw!)

Celestine70 · 15/06/2020 06:38

You are over reacting. Just talk to him about it.