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Original poster

I need to dump him (Offensive word warning)

366 replies

OntheWaves40 · 12/06/2020 23:46

Been seeing someone 12 months. Nice, down to earth, guy or so I thought.
Today, in reply to “what have you been up to” (I don’t even want to repeat it it’s that bad) he said “nothing much, just been monging out in front of the telly”.
I’m so mad at myself, I didn’t react, I just thought wtf did he just say that, is there a different meaning that I’ve totally never heard of etc. I’ve got home and realising there is no excuse, I know what I have to do I’m just bloody gutted that he turned out to be so vile.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 14/06/2020 00:15

'Mong' is a shortened version of the word mongoloid, and is related to calling someone low intelligence- I understand people saying they've never heard it that way- but surely now that you have, then that's enough to go sorry and not use it or find it acceptable?! So monging around is sitting like someone with disabilities and not be doing anything. There is no defending it as a term once you've been told it's meaning.

Dyrne · 14/06/2020 00:20

@Spanishcove nope I didn’t really think about it, like many other phrases - do you know the exact entymology of all the phrases you use? It’s obvious if you know of the slur, but without that context it’s just another phrase.

As I said, I am absolutely not defending the use of the phrase, and as soon as I became aware of the origins I stopped using it.

FenellaVelour · 14/06/2020 00:34

Genuinely shocked that so many people don’t see how offensive mong/spaz are. Really.

In OP’s case for me it’s not an immediate dumping offence provided that there isn’t other concerning behaviour - I’d explain why it was offensive first. However if he was defensive or continued to use it, that’s a different matter.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 14/06/2020 00:39

I never knew mong was offensive until about a year ago.
It was used alot in school and in family when I was growing up. I haven't used it since so give him some grace in the matter, he probably isnt aware but if he continues to use it knowing the connection then obviously thats a different story.

mortforya · 14/06/2020 00:51

Wow, Completely overreacting here op. What does this phrase even mean, not everyone is aware of all the pc phrases we can and cant use. Why not just explain why it is offensive and calm yourself down. Weird reaction from you.

OffToSingapore · 14/06/2020 00:52

Your boyfriend is Indian though, isn't he? Why, on hearing him use a rather offensive slang term, would your mind immediately jump to 'he's a vile person'. Rather than 'oh dear, he must not understand how offensive that word is, I must let him know'. Seeing as he's always seemed like a nice man to you.

Coupled with the fact that you've been dating other men for the last two months it does suggest that you're not very keen on him. You'd probably be doing him a favour if you ended it now.

Indigochi · 14/06/2020 00:58

Its really not that offensive

MumsTheWordFact · 14/06/2020 01:05

I'd say he's well shot of you love, dump him and do him a favour.

toastfiend · 14/06/2020 01:28

I find 'mong' and 'flid' really offensive, but they're words lots of people seem to use without a second thought, usually because they haven't thought about their origins. My DH used both when I met him (and they were prevalent where he worked). He genuinely had no idea of the implications of using them. I explained why I (and others) find them offensive, he hadn't made the connection at all before I said anything. Now he doesn't use them any more. No dramas. It does seem like an overreaction to dump him over this, unless you've already explained that it's offensive and he's still deliberately using it.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/06/2020 01:34
Hmm
TrickorTreacle · 14/06/2020 01:47

@OntheWaves40

Wow, I read the first few posts, realised I’d over reacted and assumed the thread was done and didn’t see the messages until now. This dating malarkey is hard! I can never gauge it right! Sometimes I’m told to LTB over things I think are workable and times like now I’m told I’m over reacting. Those who have dug up my posting history, whats that about? I think you need to find something more interesting to do, my posting history isn’t that exciting I’m afraid! Is it relevant whether I’m seeing one person or 20? I never said I planned to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, just that I’d been seeing him a year and I thought I would have to call it a day.
If you're dating other people (you said 1 person or 20) and your bf isn't aware, then that is cheating. That's (in my opinion) is worse than using offensive words that can be corrected with awareness. Also, being offended is very arbitrary. I'm not offended by the Mighty Boosh or Fawlty Towers but someone else might be.

Stepping on eggshells spring to mind.

HirooOnoda · 14/06/2020 04:49

@OntheWaves40 i’m Just going to have to come out and say it, I think you are a fantasist. This thread which takes a small issue which could and should be rectified sensibly via effective dialogue is merely a barely plausible cover for you to seek the validation you seemingly desperately crave. All this at the same time you are openly dating other men, presumably behind the back of your 12 month long boyfriend.

If there is an issue here it is you, spectacularly unequivocally you. Do this poor chap a favour and let him go. In the meantime work on your issues, don’t accuse those who read your past posts of any skullduggery, I would urge all to do so, it’s quite enlightening.

Good luck to you both Op Flowers

Malbecblooms · 14/06/2020 06:46

People use the phrase "i'm a bit OCD" which I find horrifically offensive as it makes it sound like a fun little illness that's a bit annoying.

People use words they don't understand.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/06/2020 07:08

Those who have dug up my posting history, whats that about?

I imagine (given the controversial nature of the topic and the very odd reaction of dumping someone without speaking to them about it) PPs suspected you were fibbing.

saraclara · 14/06/2020 07:27

The words Mongol and spastic have, rightly, left our language as terms for people with downs and CP decades ago. So it's hardly surprising that young people have no idea of the origin of monging out or spaz. Until someone points it out to them they can hardly be blamed for using then, and it's silly of people my age to expect them to have the knowledge and experience that we who were born in the 50s and 60s have.

So yep, instead of raging, we can gently point out where a word comes from and explain that they shouldn't use it.

DrDetriment · 14/06/2020 07:29

You are overreacting OP but the real issue is that if you are that concerned about a word he's used then you don't sound well suited.

SiaPR · 14/06/2020 07:35

It is a horrible word, but one that has become mainstream without people knowing how offensive it is. If he continues using the word after you have explained it to him it is massively unacceptable and you definitely should dump him. However if he genuinely did not know the offensive connotations (generously because he is an ELL or if not, maybe he is a bit thick?) then see how he responds after you explain, that will tell you all you need to know.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/06/2020 07:36

I understand OP. I would explain the origin of the word, and see what he says. If he's horrified and didn't realise, then it's all good. If he says you're being over dramatic or ludicrous or any of the other comments on this thread then I'd end it.

(I.have a son with a learning disability and I have zero tolerance of pejorative or disablist language.)

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/06/2020 07:37

@Indigochi

Its really not that offensive
It really is.
Persiaclementine · 14/06/2020 08:21

Massive over reaction

diddl · 14/06/2020 08:49

@Persiaclementine

Massive over reaction
Maybe, maybe not.

But at the end of the day, Op (or anyone) can dump a boyfriend for any reason at all, or for no reason.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/06/2020 08:52

I'm assuming you want to ditch him for many other reasons and this is just the final straw in a long list of offences.

Or that this is just really, really weird.

GingerScallop · 14/06/2020 09:17

I didn't realize what the word was but finally googled the only word I was unfamiliar with. The first five results said relaxing/under the influence. So was wondering why it was so offensive. Then I found a BBC America article on R Gervais and that's when I saw the offensive connotation. Perhaps your DH is as ignorant as I was a minute ago. May be, as we sometimes do, he picked it from somewhere without knowing it's implications? It's doesn't seem like a common word but then in my "defence" English is my second language and I certainly don't know all colloquial terms. Have a talk with him

Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 14/06/2020 10:39

I will speak to him today and gauge his reaction.
Yes he’s Indian but he’s also been in the uk since he was a teenager (uni), those that seem to assume because he’s Indian that he doesn’t speak fluent English from birth need to think about why they would assume that.
Those who think we are young, we are 40, he’s never used cannabis (or any other drug). He was using it in the term I mentioned, as in lazing around, as in very offensive term.

OP posts:
Original poster
OntheWaves40 · 14/06/2020 10:45

If there is an issue here it is you, spectacularly unequivocally you. Do this poor chap a favour and let him go

Poor chap? Why would you think that? Because I don’t like his use of an outdated, offensive term? Clutches pearls, someone save the poor chap from me, heavens forbid that I, as a woman, have an opinion on someone using an outdated, offensive term. I can see why my having an opinion may be a hanging offence to some, now get back in that kitchen and make your husband his tea then.

OP posts: