To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

Nothing to say of except that I don't blame you. I was in the same situation for a while and it was very hard. Go easy on yourself.

I’m not unsympathetic OP, but I have always thought of having children as a privilege/ something that happens if it’s meant to be, rather than an entitlement. Your post makes it sound like you don’t like your stepchildren, or are making your OH responsible for something that’s not his fault.

I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

I’m really sorry for your difficulties, I appreciate it’s hard, and every hardship is magnified at the moment. 💐

^^I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

This!

Perhaps you should stop the IVF and walk now if that's how you feal? Or have you looked at adoption? Or fostering? You don,t have to have given birth to be a mum.

Also, you seem to feel that being a loving stepmother counts for nothing? I can assure you it will mean the world to those dear children.

Nothing to add other than I don't think YABU at all and I'm so sorry. I really hope it works out well for you Op.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I’m not unsympathetic OP, but I have always thought of having children as a privilege/ something that happens if it’s meant to be, rather than an entitlement. Your post makes it sound like you don’t like your stepchildren, or are making your OH responsible for something that’s not his fault.

I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

I’m really sorry for your difficulties, I appreciate it’s hard, and every hardship is magnified at the moment. 💐

I don't think this is correct at all. I read the OP as someone in a great deal of distress (understandably) and who feels unable to carry on living with that amount of distress (again understandably).

I actually think it's probably nothing at all to do with hating her step children (where did you get that from by the way?) Or thinking her husband is at fault, but if you've ever been through continuous and prolonged fertility issues you'll know that it can completely take over everything and you do get envious and jealous and hurt that other people seem to have the one thing you are struggling for. It's nothing to do with not being ready mentally or being too egotistical to put your wants and desires to one side. It can be torture mental health wise.

So whilst I personally think OP may begin to feel differently as she works through her problems with her therapist, I can't totally understand where she is coming from and I highly doubt it's a place of hating or blaming anyone, more likely she probably hates and blames herself, it's how I felt anyway, and just wants to live a life with some peace without being reminded all the time. Ego doesn't come into it. It probably feels like survival.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to mentally paint yourself into a corner on this. By all means, discuss it with your counsellor. But I’d try and avoid decisions while you’re on a fertility roller coaster.

What are your feelings on fostering or adoption? Have you talked to your DH about these?

I don’t think I’d verbalise any of this to DH. Hopefully the IVF will work, and it will be a moot point. I suspect you’re just generally in a very dark time, and I hope you can come out of it soon.

In the meantime, I hope you can find it in your heart to be a loving stepmum. It’ll make all the difference to those children, even if it’s not all that you want.

I feel there is a huge difference having a family lifestyle, being a step parent yet childfree and being a parent and a step parent.

I can really understand the op, it's more to do with jealousy of her DP than not liking her DSC.

I dont thinknyou dislike them I think you know that the jealousy you feel over being a parent would poison everything. You might even become he horrible step mother. It's important to recognise what we can and can't cope with. Being a step parent can be lovely and rewarding but just reading threads on here shows how your position and relationship is not the same as being a parent. I also don't think fostering /adoption make up for not being a biological parent. That has to be an active choice as children don't tend to be fostered/adopted without serious trauma. It is a different relationship again and not equivalent. Adopters and foster carers do amazing things for children.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Also, you seem to feel that being a loving stepmother counts for nothing? I can assure you it will mean the world to those dear children.

And whilst I agree it doesn't count for nothing. It is very different. There is no point pretending otherwise.

Bit of an empathy failure from some posters.

The infertility boards might be a better place for this than AIBU.

I've not walked in your shoes, op, but you're articulate and I can follow where you're coming from.

I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel. It's a form of grief and it makes sense for your pain to be heightened by watching someone at close quarters who has not lost what you have. There are no easy answers but it strikes me that it's better in the long run to be able to tune into these emotions.

To suggest that your grief over infertility is proof you shouldn't be a parent is ignorant and cruel.

I get you. I wouldn’t voice this to him now though, as the IVF will hopefully work and you will just have opened a can of worms.

I left a good job / career as I didn’t think I could have children, and I was just feeling bitter about seeing so many children mistreated by parents.

I just worry that if you do leave your husband, you will still be childless, but also heartbroken, lonely, without the support network of your family, and you may end up having to live with regret too.
Can you be honest with your husband about your feelings?
Sometimes keeping feelings a secret tends to intensify them and make them all consuming.
Perhaps counselling can help you manage these feelings more constructively, and you and your husband can consider adoption or other options when you feel ready to.

I would suggest speaking to DH about this. You want a child with this man, you have to be prepared to talk about anything.
It also seems very cruel to exclude him of your plans to leave. I am sure he would be devastated to learn you can't have children and then you up and leave him.

I am not trying to take away from your pain. It must be hard but please don't shut him out. He can help you.

Problem shared is a problem halfed.
Problems always seem worse in your own head.
Speak to DH.

Hopeisnotastrategy
Also, you seem to feel that being a loving stepmother counts for nothing? I can assure you it will mean the world to those dear children.

You didn’t even waste one second of your time considering the emotional wellbeing of the OP. Just so focused on fetishising stepchildren. And frankly, I think you’re wrong. I believe most stepchildren tolerate their stepmothers, at least to start with. A good relationship may develop but I doubt ‘it means the world to those dear children’ in most cases.

Wait. Have your treatment and give it everything. Hopefully you will conceive. It’s not possible to plan ahead like this with a clear head.

Talk to a counsellor but then park the thought and focus on the here and now.

Good luck.

@ Freefromdinomeat

If you can find anywhere I said that OP hates her stepchildren I’ll pay a good sum to your favourite charity. Where did YOU get that from?

Stop twisting other people’s words.

You are going to get some harsh replies on here from people who don't understand!

My husband had children when we met and I've always known about my infertility.

From my experience you will go through stages.. stages where you think you can't stay with him, stages where you resent his children, stages when you'll love them so much more because it may be all you have. Some weekends I'd dreaded them coming to see us and some weekends I couldn't wait. It's all normal part.. you're grieving.. for lots of different reasons and grief makes us act irrationally at times and you certainly shouldn't be making long term plans when you're in a negative rut.

You need to take one step at a time and not try to plan for every outcome. Your focus now is ivf.. trust me that process alone is hard enough. If, which hopefully isn't the case, it doesn't work for you then look at the next step and options.

I really hope your ivf works and you get what you want. X

Do what you feel is best for you OP. Don’t emotionally cripple yourself for the benefit of your husband’s children. Many of these comments are thoughtless and heartless.

I totally get what you’re saying OP.
When I was going through IVF I remember thinking that if it never worked and I had to accept never being a parent, I would remove myself as far as I could from my friends who had kids, and the whole kid-centric world I lived in. I remember thinking I’d go and do aid work in worn-torn countries , where the focus would be on life and death, not softplay and school nativities!
There’s no way I could have stayed with someone who already had children, it would have broken me.

War torn obviously

I'm so sorry for your experience OP. My fertility struggles didn't last very long comparatively but it was extremely difficult. I can absolutely understand why it has led to such a difficult conclusion. I really hope the IVF works out for you and you're able to work through these feelings with your counsellor.