To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

I would be exactly the same OP in your situation.

I don't believe in destiny, in soul mates, that there's only one person you can be happy with. As you have said yourself, you would carve out a different life for yourself if you didn't have children, which your husband can't do, and probably doesn't want to. I think the issue is that if couples face infertility together they can heal together if things don't work, but your husband can never empathise with you, the stakes just aren't as high for him.

I do think you need to process this with your counsellor though as I don't know whether it puts a the more pressure on the ivf to work if your marriage is at stake as well. But them again it may be liberating in a way to feel you have some control over the situation.

I wish you all the very best and I pray for you to be successful in your treatment

Really sympathise aswell OP,
When I was going through IVF I could not cope being around anyones children let alone a partners. It would have just been too painful. You are going through alot right now I would put thoughts of outcomes and leaving your partner in a box at the moment to revisit at a later date. Discussing this with partner would only make you feel worse I think and might not even be relevant to your future. Hang in there and be kind to yourself

I’m afraid I don’t really “get” this. Having had multiple rounds of failed IVF myself. I feel I have somehow failed DH (issues are on my side) and would in fact potentially PREFER he would have had kids in a past relationship so I wouldn’t feel I was depriving him of a family. It sounds as if you’re not sure about him and your relationship. In which case I don’t know why you’re going through the IVF.

Stop, take a breath
I was where you are a while back in that, the whole need to have a baby overtook my sanity, my life and I think I started to loose the plot.
It was horrible in the middle of it, all consuming, every minute of every day and I could not breathe. Every one around me was having babies and it was gutting.
It took a while to accept what I thought was my lot, and it was hard but I got there. Some self guided CBT, loads of exercise, no booze and a loving husband who loved me, regardless of baby or not.

I swore that at the time I wasn't stressed but now I know how much I was. Be kind to yourself and I say that as someone who was too hard on themselves.

We did eventually have a baby, but after I'd got to the happy as I am stage. Please be kind to yourself, I can't emphasise that enough.

Aw OP I completely understand how you feel, infertility consumes every part of you. I don’t think I could have bare having a DP with children if I wasn’t able to, being so closely tied to children when it’s all you want for yourself must be so hard. Luckily I got my happy ending and I hope you do too

I do agree that if IVF doesn’t work, for the sake of your DH and his DCs, you should walk away. I think with your current mindset, you may create an unhappy environment for them. Not intentionally, but they will feel your resentment.

YANBU

Infertility is the cruellest pain.

These are your darkest thoughts. Hopefully no-one will ever need to know that you feel like this and it doesn't make you a bad person.

I was sort of in this situation.Had 3 rounds of IVF which didnt work and he had a dd.I left because I didn't love him but I also left because I couldnt have a child.I have a ds with dh now.

feel I have somehow failed DH (issues are on my side) and would in fact potentially PREFER he would have had kids in a past relationship so I wouldn’t feel I was depriving him of a family

Whilst I do understand this reasoning too, you can't possibly know how you would feel if your DH had had children already. You are not in the same situation as OP.

OP may PREFER to be in your position, having her partner being on the same page and facing the same future as her.

The thing is, if you leave how can you be sure you wont feel worse?

Not only will you not be able to have the child you want but you will have lost a man you clearly love very much. How will that be better?

I am not saying you should, or you shouldnt, leave. Only you can decide that, but what concerns me is that you are placing all of the blame for how you feel on the fact that he already has kids and you dont (I am not saying you blame him, but the situation). I wonder if you think that leaving will mean that the pain will stay behind with him, but it wont. The pain will go with you, those feelings wont magically disappear and you will be suffering the hurt of leaving the man you love as well.

I think you need to explore this much more deeply with a therapist (not a counsellor) before you make any decisions.

Perhaps you should stop the IVF and walk now if that's how you feal? Or have you looked at adoption? Or fostering? You don,t have to have given birth to be a mum.

People who can say this to an infertile person really have no idea. You have to be a special kind of unempathetic to entertain such sentiments, much less state them out loud.

I've been where you are, OP, and I'm sorry. Try not to think too far ahead right now: it's too raw and too emotional. Take this one step at a time - any more than that and this horrible rollercoaster cycle can become overwhelming.

I hope very much you get to hold your longed-for child

I'm so sorry I haven't RTFT. Are you the poster with a balanced translocation? I just want to say I think about you and hope you're doing ok more than as if you were just a stranger in the internet. I know what you're going through is immensely hard.

My deepest sympathy for your losses OP

And all possible good wishes for your IVF.

Keep talking to your counsellor and you don’t need to make any decisions for a while.

You’re not alone. When I was having multiple miscarriages, I’m also a stepmum, I knew no one in RL or saw anyone on here in the same boat and in the last few months I’ve seen several. It’s a shit storm of pain and fucking awfulness. Miscarriages and infertility are horrendous. Stepparenting is very hard even if the kids are decent and your husband is a good egg and supportive. The two together is just gruelling and impossible for people who haven’t experienced it to understand. I didn’t ever consider leaving my husband but I can completely see why you’re there in the head and can so relate to living family life without being a mum. It’s very very tough.

Sending love.

I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

So... the OP deeply desires to have her own child, and in your mind this makes her an unsuitable parent?

Hi OP. When I was going through infertility I wanted to opt out of LIFE let alone a marriage and I felt so defective that I wanted to crawl out of my own body. I think the PP describing it as about survival was spot on.
However, opting out of life if I couldn't have a child would have been the wrong thing to do.
It's not right or wrong for you to leave your marriage if you don't have a baby however, I think permanent situations do not always cause permanent feelings.
You won't always feel this way about your marriage, yourself, your step children no matter how the IVF turns out. Grief and emotions don't work like that and you are in the middle of the storm now dealing with so much uncertainty.
I believe it is possible for you to be happy with you DH and his DC (providing it's a good relationship) even if you don't have one of your own, but that it would be a fucking hard road to walk to get there.
I wouldn't judge you for opting out of walking that road and choosing another (still terribly hard) but I do want to say do not take how you are feeling now and plug it into the equation of how you will feel in the future and come up with an answer. It's a faulty equation. People go through and find happiness after unimaginable loss and heartbreak. You can too if it comes down to that. It is possible.

I’d get through lockdown and IVF, and then take it from there OP.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you’re having sleepless nights for good reason in 2021.

I'll just say.... Don't make decisions before anything happens. It can put you in the wrong mindset and make you resistant to change your mind even if you do feel differently.

Best of luck

I think infertility issues eat you up from the inside. It's just so hard. Try not to anticipate how you are going to feel in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years but concentrate on the now to optimise your IVF. IVF worked for me straight away. Try to stay positive ( even though it's difficult). These sad thoughts will not be having a positive effect on you physically.

Yes, don't make your decision now or say anything to your DH. Go ahead with your treatment and hopefully it will work, I've got everything crossed for you. If unfortunately it doesn't, see how you feel. You may feel differently or you may not.

None of us know for sure how the future may affect our relationships. Staying together isn't guaranteed for anyone but we don't usually dwell on it and talk about all the details.

I'm not in your shoes OP but if I was I think I'd feel like you. I'd prefer to have biological children, or live a cf life.

One step at a time OP. You don't know how you will really feel if you end up in that situation. So don't wrap yourself in knots about the what ifs. All options will be open to you.

My best wishes for you on your journey.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a horrible position for you to be in. We had many years of fertility investigations and treatments so I do have some understanding of where you are. I wish you peace as you navigate through your feelings on this.

Infertility and IVF is just shit, OP. No two ways about it. I was there a long long time myself.
I do agree with PP though that your husband does deserve all the information before proceeding with IVF with you. I don’t think it’s kind to keep him in the dark and then drop that on him as well if it doesn’t work - presumably he would also be upset if it can’t work. Additionally, maybe this is a broader conversation you two could be having about what your lives would look like if it didn’t work. My partner and I had many conversations over the years about what our limits were through the IVF process - timewise, emotionally, financially, and how we thought our lives would be if we pulled the pin. For me those conversations gave me a sense of control over what was going on (falsely, probably, because so much of the infertility process is outside your control).

Another one who say that infertility totally eats you inside and is extremely painful BUT it really really is possible to move in and feel totally different once you've done so, so just like a poster said, try not to project yourself in the future.

I once went on a few dates with a guy who experienced something similar to your oh. He had two kids, seperated, got with a woman he was madly in live with. He desperately wanted a child with her. She sadly had issues and they had to go 5hriugh IVF, having to pay for it as he already had kids, something that later came out that she resented him for.

It didn't work and she left him for exactly that reason. He was devastated and ft totally rejected. He really struggled to move on. They remained in contact, she got with someone else who didn't have kids and they tried ivf again bit still without success. By then 6 years had gone by, she was tired of it and accepted she wouldn't become a mum naturally. She begged her ex to take her back, said her desperation for a baby had blended her to her live for him but also that her SC had meant so much more to her at the time than she realised and she missed them. They tried but she had killed the love he had for her, couldn't let go of the pain and make it work. They both agreed to move on. I could tell from our dates that he was still not over it all though, so decided not to take it further. Such a sad story.

Don't think ahead. Think of this IVF and that it is going to work. Good luck OP.

Why suggested adoption or fostering when this is clearly what the OP doesn't want? If she was happy to raise another person's child she would be satisfied in her current situation.

The idiocy on here these days is jaw-dropping.

@MittensTheSerpent that’s not necessarily fair. The OP says she doesn’t want to watch DH being a parent. That doesn’t necessarily mean giving birth. I assume that as stepmum the OP doesn’t have the same influence with the kids, or the same rights over them. If they are lucky enough to foster/adopt a young child, OP would be mummy right from the beginning, and that’s a different relationship than being a stepmum. Pregnancy and birth is less than a year, being a mum is much much longer