To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

I think it's a good thing that the OP can express her feelings. I disagree that maternal mental health doesn't have a huge impact on a child. From the potential baby's perspective it's a huge amount of pressure if the family as a unit's existence is conditional on that one baby's presence. That's not a healthy dynamic.

Even when a mother is supported maternal depression has a huge impact on children. I had a well supported but very depressed mother. Bully for her that she sought counselling but it wasn't great for her kids to have to ride through.

A lot of peoples lives stand to be ripped open because the OP feels she can't stay in her current family without a baby. What about the father's kids? Should they continue to bond with a woman who says she's going to leave if a she doesn't get a baby? Should the DH continue investing?

From the potential baby's perspective it's a huge amount of pressure if the family as a unit's existence is conditional on that one baby's presence. That's not a healthy dynamic

Why would a potential baby even know this? I have no idea what went on with my parents prior to their having me. My family unit could have been based on their being able to have me and I'd not have known, why would anyone discuss that with a child?

I appreciate that it's perfectly possible to get better even if it doesn't work out the way OP wants, and I think that's why counselling and seeing your GP is so important, but I also think it's important to remember that OP being depressed now doesn't necessarily mean she would continue to be if her IVF was successful and she had a baby. I remember my GP telling me my problem was situational depression as it had a very obvious trigger. Once that situation had resolved, for me anyway, it was like a weight had lifted from me. That could either be through therapy or eventually going on to have a child.

You're assuming that OP would carry all of these thoughts and feelings into motherhood as well, at the detriment of any child she would have and continue to be depressed about the fertility struggles she had prior to that child. She very well may not.

I still think about that time, I still feel some sadness that I spent years in such dark places, but that pain dulled a huge amount when I had a child that it feels like a distant memory now. I certainly didn't feel the way I felt beforehand.

If you have situational depression, you will experience many of the same symptoms as someone with major depressive disorder, such as a depressed mood, feeling hopeless, and crying

The difference lies in the fact that your depressive symptoms are clearly in response to an identifiable stressor and will be resolved when either the stressor no longer exists or you are able to adapt to the situation

By Nancy Schimelpfening Medically reviewed by Daniel B. Block, MD

I really feel for you with regards to ttc, and I hope it is successful for you. But I just want to say this. My sister was married to a man who was a single parent so his kids lived with them all the time. They had already lost their mum. My sister was their step mum for 8 years and then one day she just walked away and never spoke to them again. So the kids lost 2 mums. I struggle to not judge her for this tbh.

You can leave any relationship at any time, for any reason

Sorry for your losses

@Muminlockdown2020

I really feel for you with regards to ttc, and I hope it is successful for you. But I just want to say this. My sister was married to a man who was a single parent so his kids lived with them all the time. They had already lost their mum. My sister was their step mum for 8 years and then one day she just walked away and never spoke to them again. So the kids lost 2 mums. I struggle to not judge her for this tbh.

Thanks again for the replies.

I'm sorry for those children but this doesn't really have any relevance to my situation? My step children have a mother, my husband isn't the resident parent, I'm not a 2nd mum. I'm assuming your sister was a lot more involved in parenting once she became the only really maternal figure they had, this is not my situation.

I really agree with this @FreeFromDinoMeat. I really hate it when people say (as they do surprisingly often) that women who find infertility really difficult emotionally must not be ready for motherhood. I developed significant anxiety and I think some depression after my third miscarriage; I haven't had it since pregnancy. If I'd got pregnant and carried to term in month one of TTC then I would have never known that that was what fertility issues would do to me; would that have made me a better mother? It's pretty easy to go on about how resilient you would be in the face of things you haven't actually been through.

I also didn't find anything in early parenthood (DS is only two now) nearly as difficult as that period, and I didn't find anything like as big a test to DH and I's relationship - and my fertility issues were not in the grand scheme of things that serious; three early miscarriages and two years to have a baby, which I don't think is comparable to the stress of IVF. I think I'm quite a good mother, I certainly love DS completely and utterly. I don't see why the tough journey to have him made me less prepared than someone who has a baby easily; in fact, I'd say the opposite.

If I'd got pregnant and carried to term in month one of TTC then I would have never known that that was what fertility issues would do to me; would that have made me a better mother? It's pretty easy to go on about how resilient you would be in the face of things you haven't actually been through

It's such a good point. How can anyone, unless they have experienced it, say how they would deal with it? You cannot say you would hypothetically deal with a situation better than someone who is actually in it when you are not. For all we know, some posters here who didn't go through what OP has, may have fallen apart long before now. OP has strength just due to the fact that she's carrying on going and she's not afraid to say how she's feeling and admit those feelings to herself. That takes courage as another poster said, strength and resilience, all of which are very good traits for a parent to have. I remember thinking I could literally get through anything now I've through that darkness (whether that is because of an eventual child or through battling it out in therapy). I was bloody proud of myself.

And it really gets my back up when people think they have a right to say why another woman isn't ready for motherhood as if they are the pinnacle of what a mother should be. When in most cases they likely didn't even really think about it, never had to deal with the stresses OP has in order to get there, and just think they can imagine what it's like. It is so smug and 'I know best'. Like saying the OPs reaction is extreme... How the hell can anyone who hasn't been in that situation know that?

I also didn't find anything in early parenthood (DS is only two now) nearly as difficult as that period, and I didn't find anything like as big a test to DH and I's relationship

Me too. It is still to this day the hardest thing I've gone through and I pray to God it's the hardest thing I ever will. I never want to feel as emotionally destroyed as I did then ever again.

I think you have the strength to love his children. It just frightens you.
There is room to love a child that is not your own. You just havent realised it yet.
You may have a child. You may not. You will accept whatever outcome eventually. Dont fear it.
Love freely. Open your heart, your mind and your eyes.
Don't let regret and jelousy take over your sprit. Give it time.
I think you will be surprised.
Xxx

What does loving his kids have to do with anything? You can love your husband's kids but it still not be a replacement for your own.

Look into progesterone treatment for miscarriages. I know a few people who had successful pregnancies using it after multiple miscarriages. I believe they did have to go private to get the treatment.

Fingers crossed you get a happy solution.

Hi OP, I read this and can totally understand how you feel. I have 2 DSC and haven't been able to have my own. I get the resentment you may feel. It's good you're getting counselling as this will help (it did for me anyway and it's a positive step to take).
I really do hope your IVF works out. No matter what people say SC are not your own, it's not the same love for another woman's child(ren), not at all.
I say this having had step parents myself and fantastic ones at that. But it's just not the same.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but keep going with your IVF and take care of yourself x

@Fredthefrog do you have experience having adopted or fostered? How do you feel that the relationship is not the same or in your words "equivalent". You make it sound like adopters are doing " good works" my beautiful adopted son is not a rehomed cat.
OP I've been where you are you have my sympathy

@Casschops

You make it sound like adopters are doing " good works" my beautiful adopted son is not a rehomed cat.

^I really relate to this. I really couldn't love my 2 adopted DDs (11 and 8) more if I'd given birth to them. I used to have Facebook friends tell me how fortunate my DDs were that we adopted them. I found it really insulting and patronising towards my DDs, like they somehow didn't deserve it as much as much as a bio DD would have.

In addition, my DH and I didn't adopt as a 'good deed', we adopted because we wanted to be parents and I was infertile.

DD2's foster dad was a Facebook friend as well, so it was an insult to him, too, as he and his DW had been wonderful foster parents to her.

My DSis adopted her third DS, and some friends don't acknowledge him on Christmas cards, and only include her bio DC. One of them also sends cards to us and always includes our DDs; they're adopted too so what's the difference?

I find it all really sad. Adopted DC are as precious as bio DC.

My DSis adopted her third DS, and some friends don't acknowledge him on Christmas cards, and only include her bio DC

Gosh that is so sad. Why would anyone do that?!

Adopted DC are as precious as bio DC

Absolutely agree. Although I also don't think there is anything wrong with someone like OP saying she doesn't want to think about adoption. I know I didn't want to when it was me going through this and it really annoyed me when everyone kept suggesting it.

* My DSis adopted her third DS, and some friends don't acknowledge him on Christmas cards, and only include her bio DC *

A “friend” do this just once, they immediately go from “friend” to “enemy” with whom I have absolutely no engagement with, either in person, virtually, social media, nothing. Simple as that.

Yes I think Yabu ,
You are putting your needs/wants above the step children you already have,before your relationship with your partner,before your partner too.
Have you thought through the implications of your intended actions?
I hope nobody does ever get to hear of you saying this because it would be devastating to know you are not loved enough.
Many will tiptoe around your feelings but I cannot,as you would understand as you clearly don't care one iota for the family you have and are prepared to walk away from.

@KarmaStar

Yes I think Yabu , You are putting your needs/wants above the step children you already have,before your relationship with your partner,before your partner too. Have you thought through the implications of your intended actions? I hope nobody does ever get to hear of you saying this because it would be devastating to know you are not loved enough. Many will tiptoe around your feelings but I cannot,as you would understand as you clearly don't care one iota for the family you have and are prepared to walk away from.

Anyone can leave a relationship for whatever reason they want. They don't have to stay because of their step children, or because of their partner.

Where's the thought for the implications for the OP if she were to stay when unhappy and depressed?

This isn't about someone leaving a relationship or not caring for their existing family imo. OP is clearly depressed and struggling. It may, and I hope it doesn't, never come to this. But I can understand why your head might go there in this situation.

People walk away from relationships with kids involved all the time, step or otherwise.

And I think people struggle to admit it but most of the time, people don't love their step children as if they were their own children. It's human nature. Most step children don't love their step parents like their parents. It's just the way it is. OP doesn't have to wreck herself with guilt because she 'doesnt love them enough' to stay. They aren't her children, they have two involved parents.

You are putting your needs/wants above the step children you already have,before your relationship with your partner,before your partner too

You can't force yourself to be happy for the greater good of everyone else around you

If you're not happy, you're not happy. What good would it do anyone for OP to pretend to be otherwise for the sake of her SC and partner?

Sometimes your needs/wants should come first. Especially when not doing so would probably be detrimental to everyone else anyway.

So OP feels like shit, stays because she feels to guilty to leave, hates life, is unhappy, depressed etc .. how is that better?

You can't force someone to love SC like their own, you just can't. I make day to day decisions based on what would be best for the children in our house, step included. But I'm not going to base whether or not I stay in a relationship I don't want to be in, for whatever reason, on children that aren't mine at the end of the day. They have two parents, two heavily involved parents by the sounds of things, it's not the same as having your own children when you aren't involved in any of the actual parenting. Trying to guilt OP into feeling otherwise is a useless exercise imo. You feel what you feel. You can try and talk through those feelings and maybe iron out the reasons behind them, like in counselling or whatever but making someone feel guilty for feeling the way they is never going to work.

I think you should talk to your DH. Whilst obviously yours and his situations are different he is also the person closest to you in this situation, he is most likely feeling a lot more like you than you think. It is never good to go through something like this alone

The problem with saying that you will break up with him is you are placing even more on the success of the IVF, not just having a child but your entire life. It does sound like you are maybe punishing yourself if it is not successful, like if the fertility treatment doesnt workout then you wont allow yourself any happiness

You have no idea how you will feel, dont make decisions like that at this time. Take it day by day. Wishing you all the best Op

I feel so much for you OP

However I suspect that if you do not have biological children, and decide to stay with your DP, then the decision as to whether you stay or go may be taken out if your hands.
If I suspected my DP was bitter about my children, I would worry about their relationship and my children. I would finish it.

Oh OP I've had similar thoughts.

Who's bitter about anyone's children though? All OP is doing is considering her limits. It would be hard to live with children knowing you were so desperate for your own and it hadn't worked out. It's not about bitterness or dislike for anyone. It would be hard, I think a lot of people would struggle with it, they either don't want to admit it or they just don't realise because they've never had to deal with it.

It's hard to brush something like this off and say oh well, never mind, I'll just satisfy myself with my husband's kids instead, who have an active mother and don't require any parenting from me.

It's totally different, there is no use pretending it isn't, we all know it is.