To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

How is your marriage in other ways OP?

You don't truly know how you'll feel in the imaginary scenario because you're not there yet. If you were there you could give it a while afterwards, as you may adjust.

If your marriage/family life are excellent in other ways, you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face to end it. You could write a list of the pros vs the cons.

Obviously if there are other major issues, it's different.

You could continue in therapy in the imaginary scenario to help you come to terms with it. xxx

I can totally understand where you are coming from OP.

Fair enough. I can see why you feel like that. I have always said l won’t make sacrifices for someone else’s child and only my own. We have fertility issues and it appears even IVF can’t help us. I would decline to change my lifestyle for someone else’s children. Let’s be realistic no one really like soft play, assisting with homework etc

As ever a lack of empathy or understanding by those with no fertility issues. Infertility board might be better places for this, with more tact and beer standing given. Yeah it’s most likely a hell of a lot easier to make sacrifices for your own children, which you choose to conceive

You seem to be able to place your feelings but not those of your DH. It's not his fault he already has children and is a shame you base the continuation of your marriage on the success of a precarious medical procedure.
You need to have a conversation with your DH to at least put him in the picture. I understand this is a very difficult and emotional situation for you but is having your own child greater than the success of your already good marriage with a caring man.
I can't help but think that if the roles were reversed in terms of a Male being in this situation he would be flamed.

Yes, I do agree it is best for her to leave the relationship, I didn’t say otherwise.
A baby will bring a lot of joy and happiness but isn’t a magical pill, and other OPs have mentioned that blended families have complicated dynamics. One OP even said they never really work.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone resentful of me and my children.
Should we advise everyone who wants a child to not get together with someone who already has children? In case the baby doesn’t happen? Should people get into relationships where they think stepchildren are only tolerable if they have their own child?

DH can't have kids.
His ex divorced him when they found out.
And luckily for me she did
Opposite to you OP, as I've never wanted kids, but we're perfectly happy together most of the time
Do what you have to do to make you happy.
Good luck with the IVF.

@HeckyPeck l agree with all of your posts and you saved me making the same points

Yep back to infertility bingo! Luckily l already had my dabba out ready for adoption / just be patient / you’ve never known love until you have your own child etc. Blah blah blah blah blah

Has OP even said her husband is at fault for having kids??? She has only said that she personally does not feel strong enough to deal with it without it colouring how she feels. She is not blaming her husband for anything as far as I can see, she is admitting what her limit she can cope with is.

Do those of you acting like it's no big deal have any experience with a long and painful fertility journey, when your husband already has children?

Oh and the male / female different responses are a red herring l think. For the record MrEL8888 wouldn’t want to get involved with someone with children full stop, particularly if they couldn’t have children together. It would be a deal breaker for him

Fuel, it's not unreasonable, these are your feelings and your life. First massive good luck with the IVF, rooting for you. Try to focus on this for now. I do understand that if you don't give birth to children you may prefer to lead a life that has other fulfillments and richness rather than laboriously build family with your DP and the DSC. I have a step mum who I resented as a child but idolised as a teen. She was always encouraging, I never felt that she took my successes and failures personally, she had a younger, fresher outlook than my parents and broadened my horizons. She shaped who I became.

The infertility boards are excellent for sympathy but they are their own bubble. It can be useful to have a chat here and get different views, of people who were infertile and remained childfree, people who are infertile but have found ways of coping so don’t feel the need to post on topical boards etc.
I do worry for OP because IVF as we all know is a long slog and struggle, there is no baby guaranteed at the end of it. If she is feeling resentful now, she will feel even more resentful after going through the medical procedures for IVF. You have to be as strong as you can when starting that process, in yourself and in your relationship.

@Mintychoc1 I relate a lot to your comment. It’s how I felt too. Being around kids was just too hard for me.

Op - I think you need to take a breath and step back from this. Focus on where you are at now - ivf etc. If - and it is only an if - that doesn’t work out, then reassess how you feel about your relationship and step children. In 2-3 years (or whatever) you may feel differently - or you may not and thats ok - you don’t have to be a step mum if it’s too hard for you. But right now, you are catastrophising and putting extra pressure on already stressful situation. I haven’t had the step child issue, but I’ve been in the infertility place and it’s brutal - I literally wept every pregnancy announcement I got/every baby I saw. So I hear you. But you don’t need to decide this now, so go easy and focus on yourself and your ivf.

But right now, you are catastrophising and putting extra pressure on already stressful situation

100%. I recognise it because I did the exact same thing. It's very difficult to get out of this thought cycle and I still do it from time to time.

People telling OP how great and fulfilling being a step mother can be, how children aren't a right etc... Will be of no use and likely push her further away from opening up to anyone. She needs empathy.

It is fine to feel like this, it's fine to feel like this now, next week, next year and in 10 years. It is also fine to leave if you want, now, next week, next year and in 10 years. You have a choice. I totally get you. But I do not as some posts urge feel you need to share this with your DH. Focus on yourself, your relationship and your IVF. I hope it works out for you.

I agree with @SummerDayWinterEvenings.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do. The thought of living with a constant reminder of what you don’t have must be excruciating. But it isn’t a reality yet - because you haven’t had your treatment yet! So I think right now, all you can do is focus on your treatment. I haven’t been where you are, but I’m guessing you’re at a low ebb right now - the mix of infertility and waiting for treatment plus the pandemic must just be awful. And I imagine that infertility must make you experience really complicated and difficult feelings anyway. So please be kind to yourself.

Best of luck for the IVF.

PS. I’ve no experience of infertility so am not an expert but don’t ever let any fucker imply that you’re a bad or immature person for wanting your own biological child (as a couple of people on this thread have done). Those people are absolute cunts.

Can I just say it get's on my nerves when people copy and paste an OP / posters comment and put 'This'. What is that actually supposed to mean? If you can't be arsed to actually articulate yourself with words and even the odd emoji, why bother at all? We are not mind readers, how are we supposed to know what is meant by 'This'?!

To OP, I understand where you are coming from to a degree; but leaving this man you really like / love over something that neither of you can control does seem a bit like cutting your nose off the spite your face, but you are some way from that anyway. Counselling might, possibly, help you to open up other options which seem closed to you right now. You are still in the middle of it. Wishing you luck.

Also - I really wouldn’t tell your DH. I’ve had all kinds of awful thoughts about my partner/relationship/friends when I’ve been battling infertility - and verbalising then to a counsellor felt good - but it didn’t mean I had to share them. Counselling is for working through your feelings, and atm I don’t think it’s the right time to verbalise how you feel. I think some people would probably be quite alarmed if they suddenly had a window into their partners every thought - there will doubtless be some in there you’d rather not see!! there are good reasons for keeping some of our feelings quiet, sometimes, and I think this is one of those situations.

While I can understand that you want children of your own, I think that if you’re already planning to leave him if things don’t happen for you then you shouldn’t be trying for children with him at all.

Your marriage shouldn’t be dependent on whether or not you can have children. If you have fertility issues then it’s likely that you would have the same issues with a different partner and would end up childless regardless.

If you already think little enough of your DH that you can’t see the marriage lasting without children of your own then you should end it now.

if a woman posted here that her DH had said he would leave her if they couldn’t have children as they had fertility issues he would be ripped apart.

You already knew he had children when you married him, and there are no guarantees in life....

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I’m not unsympathetic OP, but I have always thought of having children as a privilege/ something that happens if it’s meant to be, rather than an entitlement. Your post makes it sound like you don’t like your stepchildren, or are making your OH responsible for something that’s not his fault.

I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

I’m really sorry for your difficulties, I appreciate it’s hard, and every hardship is magnified at the moment. 💐

This is something people only ever demand of the sub/infertile. If you can get pregnant easily no one ever demands that you prove yourself emotionally ready, no matter how manifestly unsuitable you and your life are for parenthood.

I’d like to see her reaction to having a Natal man change next to her in a changing cubicle or toilet But she can probably protect herself from the reality of her fickle allegiances by way of security men and money etc.

Thank you for all of your comments. I'm going to ignore some of the more hurtful ones about me not being ready for motherhood, I don't think you have any idea how hurtful that is. I've lost a huge number of babies, I've heard their heartbeats only for them to stop a week later, I've been though more D&C's than I can count on one hand, I honestly feel sometimes that I'd just be better off dead.

I don't dislike my step children. Or my husband. I don't hate him or blame him. I actually hate myself a great deal and my body that is failing me over and over again. Me leaving would not be because he has done anything wrong by having children. Of course that's not his fault. It would be because I would feel unable to cope. I feel like I would have no peace from what feels like a black cloud hanging over me all the time.

As another poster said, I feel like I would want to just fill my life with other things, things I probably couldn't do if I were to stay in this family set up where I essentially have children but I'm not a parent. I can't just fly off and distract myself with travelling or moving or anything like that. It may seem trivial but I honestly don't know how else I'd cope right now. Hopefully I won't feel this way whatever happens in the future, I'd give anything not to but it's not a switch I can turn on and off.

I appreciate being a step parent can be wonderful but I don't think it is comparable. Not when those children have two involved parents and I'm not really required to do any sort of actual parenting. I feel more like a friendly adult or an aunt maybe to them. They don't see me as a parent and I don't see them as my children. It doesn't mean I dislike them, I don't.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, it sounds really distressing.

Only you can decide on your limits within your relationship, and if not being able to have children is a deal breaker then that is for you to decide. I wouldn't judge a man or woman for their decision. Only you can live your life and you have to live with the impact of your decions. It is positive that you can think this through with your counsellor.

I sympathise entirely OP - I wouldn't blame you a bit. Perfectly reasonable to me. But it hasn't come to that yet, has it.

With all the delays of lockdown adding to the horrendous stressfest that is IVF, you must be feeling pretty tense about pretty much everything. Life has been winding you up for some time - I'd be tempted to let it all out the counsellor, and in private. The last thing you need is other people getting the wrong end of the stick or taking it personally.

You already knew he had children when you married him, and there are no guarantees in life....

But you could say that about the husband ... ''You married her without knowing if she could have kids of her own. Now she's too unhappy to stay and watch you with yours. Sorry, there are no guarantees in life ...''

I think the whole point of 'there are no guarantees' is that it's not about who's at fault. It's about life's shit sometimes and there are sometimes hard decisions to make.

You already knew he had children when you married him

Ahahaha. Bingo!

OP I’d disregard “advice” from anyone who trots out such useless rubbish. It displays a remarkable lack of empathy so anything else they say is usually equally unhelpful.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel, it's not something you can stop.
But you can look at things differently.
So you leave your husband and then find someone else?
Unless you are young, likelihood is, that person has kids, even if grown up, could have grandchildren. Somebody in this position would hardly be a good catch if they abandoned their families for you.
But, You want a child more than your husband, so you should go now.