To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

I’d try and avoid decisions while you’re on a fertility roller coaster.

I don’t think I’d verbalise any of this to DH. Hopefully the IVF will work, and it will be a moot point. I suspect you’re just generally in a very dark time, and I hope you can come out of it soon.

This. I'm a totally different person to the one I was going through fertility treatment/TTC. I look back on those days and remember how they took over my life, but also I can barely remember it!

I say this gently, but to have children demands you put your ego/ most wants and desires to one side for a minimum of twenty years in my experience. Your post doesn’t feel like you’re there yet.

What a cunty thing to say to someone struggling with fertility and having mad miscarriages. Shame on you.

OP you aren’t being unreasonable at all. It better to be honest with yourself and also keep your mind open in case you feel differently in the future.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling your DH, except to cause him worry, put added strain on your relationship and then make you feel bad for upsetting him which will hopefully be for nothing and the IVF will work out.

Keep speaking to your counsellor. You never have to share what you say in your private sessions.

As a side note, I wouldn’t expect much support on here as a step mum as too many posters gleefully sticking the boot in. See cunty post I quoted as an example. I’m sure there’ll be more soon.

Expect gems like:

You knew what you were getting in to

You’re own needs should always come last, even over the kids wants and ex’s whims

Were you the other woman.

Ignore that shit OP. It’s not personal - you only have to look at any step mum post to see that.

Good luck with the IVF!

Having had not having mad

Your post makes it sound like you don’t like your stepchildren, or are making your OH responsible for something that’s not his fault.

I don’t agree at all.

I am an SM and can whole heartedly say I felt the same prior to my own DC.

I agree HeckyPeck. That is such a nasty post. Besides, I bet that there is a significant difference between the sacrifices many women are prepared to make for the children they’ve birthed and raised versus their stepchildren. Many posters openly acknowledge this.

People have broken up with people for far less

My DIL is like this and I think ending things might be the kindest thing. I watch my son tying himself in knots, she isn't happy and I understand that, he is being torn between her, and he loves her very much, and his children and he loves them. Life is stepping on eggshells and I don't think it is doing any of them any good.

He can't change this for you and you can't just switch off your feelings. I really hope the IVF works and if it doesn't I hope you can make a good life for yourself. Good luck.

I get it OP

Keep quiet for now and see how IVF goes

I can understand OP.

Don't even think about it yet but do not beat yourself up about it.

Explore what you think your life will be like if you do have a child and your h is still a parent to this other kids as well, how this will change your relationship with your stepchildren. Personally, this is why it's generally a bad idea when you're childfree to become involved with a person who already has kids (not even touching on the whole effect of these second and more families on all the kids).

And no, being a 'loving stepmother' isn't the same thing at all.

Or have you looked at adoption? Or fostering? You don,t have to have given birth to be a mum.

Jesus wept. Some clever clogs can never resist coming out with this claptrap on every single infertility thread! Don't you think anyone who infertility hasn't considered this? It's not the same thing. Children are not consolation prizes. She said she wants her own biological child.

I think the posters who have been accused of not being empathetic may actually be more useful to the OP.
There are endless discussions on this but it’s really not healthy to feel jealous of your own husband. I say this as someone who suffers from infertility and I’m now too old, it won’t happen for me. But I see women suffering from infertility sending themselves into spirals like this and having really odd behaviour towards their friends and family. It’s like everyone in the world becomes their enemy. Any other babies and children are a personal affront to them. Does OP think that by leaving her husband, she will never see a baby or a child anywhere? It doesn’t even make sense. I think this level of resentment towards a person you love does show natural traits of jealousy; this doesn’t come just from being infertile. If it were a man saying this, the responses would be very different.

I totally get it OP, I think I would feel the same. I could not even have dated a man with children. This is a very controversial opinion but I just don’t think blended families work, there is always inequity somewhere.

I get it.

There is no-one in my life who I would both trust and be willing to burden with the truth about the lengths I went to to get a child (nothing that involved lying to anyone I would add). I had 9 miscarriages and carried on, alone, because I couldn't imagine being able to live life without a child. If you are that way inclined, it's an overwhelming urge that colours your whole life.
So I'm crossing everything for you that it works out with the IVF, and that one day soon all these feelings are a very distant memory.

It is fine to feel like this, it's fine to feel like this now, next week, next year and in 10 years. It is also fine to leave if you want, now, next week, next year and in 10 years. You have a choice. I totally get you. But I do not as some posts urge feel you need to share this with your DH. Focus on yourself, your relationship and your IVF. I hope it works out for you.

Disobedient Hamster, but is it so shocking that people are mentioning these options for someone who is clearly so desperate for a child? Of course a child isn’t a consolation prize. But if someone is so desperate for a child that they resent their own husband, then I guess posters are trying to remind OP that there are other options. I’m sure OP has thought of these herself, but it is a reminder that there is more than one way to become a mother.

Does OP think that by leaving her husband, she will never see a baby or a child anywhere? It doesn’t even make sense. I think this level of resentment towards a person you love does show natural traits of jealousy; this doesn’t come just from being infertile. If it were a man saying this, the responses would be very different.

It’s a completely different challenge seeing babies and children than living with them knowing you can never have one of your own.

My response would be exactly the same to a man.

Ignore the cuntish replies OP. A lot of people are jealous that they themselves have never been brave enough to be as honest with themselves as you are now. They put you in a box labeled selfish, jealous or difficult.

Many folk would rather live a lie than make an, on the face of it, destructive and disruptive decision - but which is in fact brave, honest and quite possibly the best thing for everyone.

YANBU at all to feel this way.
You have done well to face it.
My advice is the same as some previous posters: say nothing and make no firm plans for now. If/when this scenario comes to pass then rethink and then decide.

Oh and be kind to yourself OP

Jeeee some people really shouldn't post unless they have been through the deep pain of infertility. I get it OP . It's not that you don't love DH or his kids, but the daily reminder of your own pain in your own home is too much. Don't tell DH, just wait and see if things work out.

I get you, OP. I don't think your feelings are at all wrong and completely understandable.

But as a PP said, move on with fertility treatment and see what happens. One day at a time (especially in these awfully stressful days). Continuing therapy also sounds like a great plan.

Does OP think that by leaving her husband, she will never see a baby or a child anywhere?

It's very different though than living with children and watching the person you're closest to share a child with someone else and everything that comes with.

It's totally natural and normal to feel jealous toward those you're close to when you're struggling with fertility issues. You may not have but it is a very very common feeling, I've seen it often on threads on here. And it's totally understandable too. Our brains don't always work logically when we are suffering poor mental health but it doesn't mean we can't empathise with those thought processes and understand how a person could reach them.

It sounds to me that OP is in the midst of a really really dark time right now and she is desperate to get away from what is triggering for her. It may not work, it may not happen, she may find she is able to work past this and reach a better place.

And I think being understanding and gentle is far better and more helpful than suggesting a woman who has suffered multiple miscarriages maybe isn't ready for motherhood. That is horrid and that poster should be ashamed.

And to the PP, fine I apologise you did not say hate. You said OP sounds like she doesn't like her step children. My point still stands though, where did you get that from? She just sounds like a person in an enormous amount of pain to me.

Unfortunately a lot of people aren't able to actually look beneath the surface of what someone suffering says though and think what they may actually mean and need.

It's not about supporting OP to leave her husband. It's about supporting someone through what they think is impassable right now and listening, understanding and being gentle.

I think OP sounds depressed personally. The last thing she needs is posters saying she isn't ready for motherhood, is too egotistical to have a child, is a bad step mother and is blaming her husband for something that isn't his fault.

Frankly BlueTreeBlue, if you can’t see that seeing random babies whilst out and about, or even in the wider family is different to having to pretend to be happy and fulfilled by a stepmother role, you’re totally clueless. I can guarantee that if the OP doesn’t have her own children, her stepchildren’s mother will be very sensitive about OP overstepping her role. So she will be limited even if she decides to throw herself into being a stepmother, and the private pain will be immense because no-one will understand or even want to hear about it.

Anyway, if you think the OP is unreasonably jealous then you should agree that it is best for her to leave the relationship. What good would it do any party for her to remain?

@Hopeisnotastrategy could you be any more patronising?

I doubt OP actually resents her husband either. But it's very hard to keep a logical head in times like this. God I thought all sorts of things when it was me! Like a PP I thought I'd remove myself from all of my friends etc because they had kids. It really wasn't because I hated them. I didn't think I'd get through at the time if I didn't do that. I didn't think I would survive unless I removed myself from that situation. It's called self preservation.

Disobedient Hamster, but is it so shocking that people are mentioning these options for someone who is clearly so desperate for a child?

It's ridiculous and patronising. The OP knows this already and doesn't need reminders, either .