To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

If she was happy to raise another person's child she would be satisfied in her current situation

Not strictly true, although I really don't condone people suggesting adoption on threads like this either. But with adoption you would be that child's mother irrespective of biology, they would be your child. OPs step children have a mother.

I've had 4 miscarriages and you begin to obsess. It takes over. Your want for a child is the most important thing. Everywhere you look you see babies, pregnant women. After my 4th we decided together enough was enough.
Age was against us. My body was saying one thing my head another. After time I began to accept. Once accepted a huge weight lifts off you and with time you carry on. You are stronger than you think! It will be this time when your DH and his children will be your godsend. I wish you all the success with your IVF but I am certain your feelings will change. Don't over think the future - small steps.

Honestly OP my heart goes out to you and I don't blame you a bit.
I had secondary infertility, which I fully know is a tiny fraction of what you're going through, but even so I was blindsided by grief and rage. It felt like something was eating me from the inside out. As my eldest got older and approached the teen years I actively started to mould our lives in a way that avoided babies and younger children and which maximised the fact we had an older only child. There were certain things I had planned which I could not otherwise have done with more/smaller children, though I did end up getting pregnant very unexpectedly with my youngest

You are in a horrible position where you have all the constraints of parenthood with only an occasional part time share in the benefits. I'm sure your step children are lovely and I'm sure you're extremely fond of them, but if both the parents are doing a good and thorough job of raising them then yes it is different than if one parent was more absent/the custody of set up was uneven.

As much as you love your DH, it's a lot to ask of someone that you see your chance at motherhood slip away, and then you have to watch whatever benefits you could have gained of a childfree life slip away too- job and travel flexibility and the like. It would feel like you were the one constantly having to give up, sacrifice and lose out, and that will end up breeding resentment somewhere down the line anyway.

People who have conceived easily simply will not get it, again I don't pretend to have gone thorough anything like you are, but even so, the feelings my own experience threw up were nothing I'd ever felt or expected to feel. It frames your whole world in a totally different way and I still find it very hard to articulate

I am crossing my fingers so hard that the IVF works for you, and if it doesn't, that you can eventually find some sort of peace with that. It's utter utter shit, I am so sorry

I remember feeling like I didnt want to live anymore but I didnt want to die either.It fucks your head up.

Good luck with your IVF, you have the right to do what is best for you

Best of luck with your IVF. I totally understand where you are coming from. Take one step at the time and if it doesn't work out, do what is best for you. Yanbu at all.

There is so much sympathy on here for the OP, as if her desire for a child trumps everything. I am tempted to bookmark this thread and refer to it every time (and it is all the time) that women with children who have a new partner are told that she and her kids come as a unit. You cannot have one without the other and that he should treat her children as his etc etc.
There are such different standards expected from Stepdads and Stepmums. The OP met her partner knowing that he already had children. They are part of him and it is wrong to not recognise this.
I remember the post from the mother who had sons with her husband, who also had a daughter with his first wife. She admitted that she found it hard to see her husband and his daughter together and had huge resentment that they did not have a daughter together.
There are always causes for resentment but if a Step father had written this post, the outcry against him would be enormous.

@mrsmuddlepies you are missing huge bits.

Op may not have known they would have problems having a child.

Even if she did, losing your children and going through fetility problems is very draining on the couples mental health.

How could she have predicted how this would impact her?

Her issue isn't with the children. Her issue is that she feels she will become resentful. She didn't know that before. She may not feel like that further down the line.

She knows they are a package deal, which is why she is saying she will leave if she can not handle it.

What more can she do? She isn't asking him to not see his children, or not have them around her.

I do agree a man, wouldnt get much sympathy for walking away from a relationship because they couldn't have kids, on mn. But thats because we are more likey to hear it from the womans point of view.

If it was fully explained, that he walked because he relapsed not being able to have kids of his own was causing resentment....a feeling he had no idea he would have, because he couldn't predict the circumstances, then there would be sympathy.

And people would agree its the right thing to do, if the resentment can't be resolved.

I understand you perfectly, OP.

I’ve been in a similar position and I felt exactly the same.

I actually think your thinking is very clear-headed and insightful. You’re being honest with yourself and authenticity is never wrong.

To the posters saying a man would be ripped a new one of the roles were reversed: I actually think it’s fine for an issue as huge as this to be a deal breaker. If it hadn’t have worked out for me with my DCs, I doubt I would have stayed to be a ‘spare parent’ to a child that already had two very attentive parents, when I could have been off travelling the world or something.

@mrsmuddlepies

There is so much sympathy on here for the OP, as if her desire for a child trumps everything. I am tempted to bookmark this thread and refer to it every time (and it is all the time) that women with children who have a new partner are told that she and her kids come as a unit. You cannot have one without the other and that he should treat her children as his etc etc. There are such different standards expected from Stepdads and Stepmums. The OP met her partner knowing that he already had children. They are part of him and it is wrong to not recognise this. I remember the post from the mother who had sons with her husband, who also had a daughter with his first wife. She admitted that she found it hard to see her husband and his daughter together and had huge resentment that they did not have a daughter together. There are always causes for resentment but if a Step father had written this post, the outcry against him would be enormous.

Another person spectacularly missing the point. Well done 👏👏👏

Please explain what relevance saying OPs DH and her step children come as a package has in this situation? OP isn't suggesting her husband not see his kids. What exactly is it that you think her having a baby is trumping here?

It is not as simple as 'you knew he had them'. It's such a bullshit saying. No one knows what life is going to throw at them round the corner, no one prepares for absolutely every eventuality and I don't know why people pretend that you should have when it comes to step parenting, no one does this. Also no one knows how they'd feel in a certain situation until they are in it which is precisely why I think people are unable to grasp how destroying fertility issues can be to a person until they've been through it themselves and even then, mental health is so individual to each person it's impossible to know exactly.

I can't relate to the fertility struggle but it sounds hellish. OP have you explored in counselling how you might feel if IVF is successful and you have a baby how you might feel about your DH doing it all before? He's already had a first scan, first birth etc etc. It will be your first but not his and he will have to factor in his existing children into every parenting choice he makes about your first baby. I only ask as the step parent board is full of posters who resent that their parenting experience is overshadowed by the presence of step children.

Hello. Just wanted to say thank you for the replies, I'm reading through them all and I appreciate them.

The hardest thing for me is the loneliness. I feel so alone. I know no one in RL who is going through this. The only person who is is my DH and he is not experiencing the same thing either, he is not facing the possibility of never having children. Whilst it's not that I wish that on him, it's very lonely to be here and dealing with this on my own.

I don't really understand why people say I knew he had children. Yes of course I did. I obviously did not plan to suffer from fertility issues and feel so low either. Do people really factor in every possible scenario as they make decisions in life? This is not how I saw my life nor is it how I started out in my marriage but I feel beaten down to a point where I don't even recognise myself, I have no hope about anything anymore, I feel worthless. I would never in a million years suggest DH not see his children or want him to feel guilty for having them. I am fully aware they are a package. Which is why I would be the one to walk away in this situation.

My counsellor was explaining it like the fight or flight thing. Right now my head wants me to just run away from this. Every instinct in me is just telling me to get out of this situation because I'm not sure how else to cope.

Posters are right that it doesn't mean I'll be necessarily be happier. I do know that deep down. And perhaps as you suggest it would be a form of punishment of myself. I can see that in moments of clarity. But it's hard to keep that focus when I start spiralling into my thoughts and I panic and feel that I just need to get away.

And it's not really about only for wanting DH for a child or my need for a child trumping everything. If I don't have a child with DH I won't be having one with anyone. But I can't see, right now anyway, a way to heal from my pain whilst being here knowing that we'd exhausted all our options and that was it.

Honestly I've thought of much worse alternatives in my darkest moments.

I can also relate to this although I didn't, in the end, have IVF I can testify that infertility takes over your life, and in my case luckily it was only 3 years.

I remember the pain well compounded by
well intentioned comments made by those lucky enough to get pregnant easily ( my mum being one of them)

If you've not experienced it you truly don't get how painful it is and it's not about ego or being selfish.

I think you need to give yourself some time op, I wish you luck with your IVF and hopefully this will not be a decision you'll have to make. But feelings change over time and become less raw, you may not always feel this way even if you don't get the outcome you want.

OP- your posts just scream out with grief. I'm so, so sorry.

Just be aware that grief is distorting your perception of this situation.
Acknowledge the grief- you dont have to punish yourself or write yourself off, or lash out or do anything but just accept it. Acknowledge it and feel it. It fucking sucks and its ok to feel that. I wouldnt try to plan too far ahead right now, just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel this. Its ok. Get it out.

I think you are very brave to admit such dark feelings here and we all have them at times, we just dont verbalise them. Usually we lock them away in a place inside and dont allow anyone else to see them. You have. You are courageous and so honest and I admire you for that.
I wish you every success with the IVF because I think you'll be a fantastic mum x

OP Have you been on the other boards here? They're very very supportive. There are women who are just starting on their struggle and there are women who have been struggling for years and are able to empathise and help.

It helped me. I made a real life friend from the boards here. (although that wasn't the goal) We discovered we lived near enough to each other to have a coffee and cake together occasionally :) Even if you don't start your own thread you can gain comfort and info.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage

There are such different standards expected from Stepdads and Stepmums.

I agree but not in the way you meant it. Even in "together" families the woman is usually the primary caregiver, and even when the physical chores are split 50/50 you can bet it's nearly always the woman carrying more of the mental load. So when a man moves in with a woman who has children, the woman carries on being that primary caregiver. Not much is expected from the stepdad other than to be "nice" and maybe do the odd school run. There is also a different dynamic in that the DC will live there the majority of the time so you're coupled up with the person who has control of most or all of the parenting decisions - you can build a more traditional family dynamic.

When however a woman moves in with a man with children, you can bet your bottom dollar that she still ends up in that caregiving role doing a significant amount of DC related housework, laundry, family meals etc and if not she is judged harshly. And whilst men are admired "oh isn't he amazing for taking on another man's kids" a woman is viewed with suspicion..."oh she's getting too involved/she's not involved enough and must resent them/who does she think she is trying to play mum."

And as for "you knew what you were getting into" - how about you post that onto every thread where a parent is struggling with their baby, toddler, tween, teen etc...

I'm torn. The DH really ought to know his marriage is conditional because he might make different choices. On the other hand this could be part the OPs grief journey although it's a fairly extreme reaction and I agree with other posters it doesn't exactly bode well for coping with motherhood.

@CaspianSeaDog

I'm torn. The DH really ought to know his marriage is conditional because he might make different choices. On the other hand this could be part the OPs grief journey although it's a fairly extreme reaction and I agree with other posters it doesn't exactly bode well for coping with motherhood.

Obviously you've been in this situation then? If you're able to say what an extreme reaction OP is having you've obviously experienced the same thing?

it doesn't exactly bode well for coping with motherhood

I was unaware that in order to be a good mother you had to cope with such huge amounts of loss and grief, and depression, in your stride and not let it affect you at all. Give yourself a big pat on the back at how amazing you are because obviously you'd cope so much better in this situation.

That is so rude and offensive. There are plenty of mothers that experience depression. The fact that OPs is triggered by her difficulties in becoming a mother is irrelevant to how she would cope with motherhood. It's patronising rubbish.

OP I'm a childless step mum. My exH robbed me of my most fertile years but I wasn't too fussed either way about having children, which in hindsight was because I was with the wrong person. By the time I met DH and realised I would actually have liked a child I was in my late 30s and he'd had a vasectomy 10 years prior so realistically we were never going to have a baby together. I still find it hard to be around babies and have to turn off programmes such as one born every minute, and that's with me not having had an all consuming desire to become a mother. I can only imagine the pain you are going through.

I'm on the side of not discussing your thoughts with your DH about possibly leaving because there's absolutely nothing he can do to remedy the situation. It doesn't mean your his relationship with you is conditional because it's clear that you do love him in his own right. It's more that the immense pain of having to help parent children who aren't biologically your own when you're desperate to become a mother may well end up more powerful than the love you have for DH which isn't a failing on your part, it just is what it is.

I truly hope the IVF works out for you

Essentially saying OP wouldn't be a good mother because she can't just brush off miscarriages and trauma without a second thought.

In fact, I'll suggest that it may make OP a better mother than those who just decide to have a baby, have sex and then there one is. But I'm assuming people wouldn't like that.

I also don't think fostering /adoption make up for not being a biological parent. That has to be an active choice as children don't tend to be fostered/adopted without serious trauma.

^This, and I'm saying this as an adoptive mum. When I was going through infertility, I hated it when people suggested adoption, and a lot of people did! As my DH put it, 'Do they think we don't know about adoption?'

It was a long journey for me, through infertility, IVF (only one cycle as it demonstrated conclusively that I wouldn't ever be able to have a baby naturally) and then therapy. We finally had DD1 come to live with us 3 years later, at age 1.

My DH wasn't infertile, but he stood by me and we adopted together.

I do get it, OP. It's how you feel right now and you can't help that. I found therapy really helpful and now I can truly say that I have come to terms with not being able to having a biological child, but it didn't happen overnight.

But you do need to process the resentment and jealousy in therapy because it will eat you up inside. (I really resented my SIL.) You will get through that if you have a safe place to process how you're feeling.

I also wish you all the best with the IVF.

it doesn't exactly bode well for coping with motherhood

This is a ridiculous statement. Plenty of women suffer crippling post natal depression- does that mean they shouldn't be parents because it "doesnt bode well"?

I'd far rather model coping with difficulties to my child and dealing with them in a healthy way, seeking help (eg counselling) when needed than pretend to my kid that nothing bothers me and I'm dealing with grief like a robot. Thats how people end up being emotionally constipated- because feelings are labelled as "bad" and that they shouldn't express them.
The fact the OP can express her hardest thoughts with such honesty and clarity and courage and is seeking help via therapy is admirable, not something to be criticised.

The fact the OP can express her hardest thoughts with such honesty and clarity and courage and is seeking help via therapy is admirable, not something to be criticised

Agree, I think they are traits that 'bode well' for motherhood personally.

I'm not even sure why people say this as if motherhood is the absolute highest level of hardship you can possibly experience in life and if you find anything else difficult you're not ready for it. Patronising BS.