To say that I already know I will leave DH because of his kids

[FuelTheBanana]

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child and it's because he already does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

I'm going to ignore some of the more hurtful ones about me not being ready for motherhood, I don't think you have any idea how hurtful that is. I've lost a huge number of babies, I've heard their heartbeats only for them to stop a week later, I've been though more D&C's than I can count on one hand, I honestly feel sometimes that I'd just be better off dead.

Try not to take it personally OP. Some people on here are just arseholes and forget or don’t care that there is a real person behind the screen.

It’s not actually a good site for support in my experience unless you can skim for the useful nuggets and have very thick skin for the cunty ones.

You already knew he had children when you married him, and there are no guarantees in life..

Bingo. Knew it wouldn't take long.

If you have fertility issues then it’s likely that you would have the same issues with a different partner and would end up childless regardless

She isn't bloody suggesting that she wouldn't have the same fertility issues with another person. But she wouldn't have to deal with seeing her partner be a parent. That is the point. She may be able to feel calmer and more at peace knowing her and her partner are on the same page and neither of them have children so there is nothing to feel envious about, they can both be childfree. Can you really not understand why someone in OPs position may think this would be the easier option?

You don't have to agree with it but surely you can understand why she may have reached the conclusion that that would be easier than the position she is in now?

And I'd say exactly the same to a man in such turmoil about this situation which is don't feel guilty, you are grieving and the mind torments us when we go through these sorts of things, be honest with your counsellor, you may not feel this way further down the line but I UNDERSTAND and hear you.

Totally understandable.

Being a step parent is not a living dream for most.
It is not the same as having your own child - if that is what you wish for.
You are often expected to put in the work and drudgery of being a parent (child care / financial contribution / house work / clothes shopping & washing / taxi service etc etc) but are not included in the overall decision making and parenting narrative when it really counts. You are always last as a step parent.

It’s easier to accept that as a blended family where you have your own or a shared child in the mix. Things are more equal.

There is no way I’d be with my partner now if i hadn’t have had my own eventually. I had fertility issues when we met and I never thought it would happen and I was willing to accept his children. Fast forward several years and there is no way I’d have been able to sit on the step parent side lines filled with resentment and grief.

That said, work through these feelings with your counsellor but do not commit to anything in haste. Things change. Give yourself and your partner some time. Nothing needs to be decided today.

if they abandoned their families for you.But, You want a child more than your husband, so you should go now

What the actual hell are you talking about? Why would it mean someone abandoning their family for OP? People without children do exist you know and for heaven's sake it isn't about OP wanting a child more than her husband. She is in pain. This feels like her only way out right now.

Some people are so obviously unable to empathise it's ridiculous.

You want a child more than your husband, so you should go now

Did you even read the OP? She doesn’t say that at all. Way to spectacularly miss the point 🙄

I completely understand and empathise with your post OP. I also think the same. It's not that you don't like your Step children it's just too painful.

I really hope that your IVF is successful. Take care xxx

This is so difficult and I totally get where you are coming from and why you feel like this. I can see why you feel it would be easier, to be with someone with no kids.

But if you were my dp (my dp doesnt have any biological children, I have 2) and yoi staying with me was dependent on having a child, I would want to know before I proceeded.

If I am having a child with someone, I would expect to be privy to this information.

I've no idea what's wrong with some posters tonight, it's not your ability to be a mother that's in question but judging by some responses here I'd question their suitability for the role!

It took me 8 years of treatment and loss before I had my two boys, I completely understand how you feel.

For the people saying the op should talk to her husband, what exactly should she say? It's not fair to either of them. He can't not be a dad, the op can't stay if things don't work out. If the op doesn't have her own child there is no happy compromise to find.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it's awful for you. I desperately hope you get some good news with your treatment. 💕

All I have to say OP is I get it.

Good luck with your IVF I really hope it works. I had 3 miscarriages, never found a reason, but then after 34 weeks of a complex early onset IUGR pregnancy I've now got DD. Crossing everything for you.

Hello OP

I would totally ignore the first two replies!! They obviously know nothing about infertility and the longing to be a parent and tbh knobs!

You are not being unreasonable at all! I think that your depressed and I'm glad you have a counsellor you can talk to.
I honestly thought my life wasn't worth living when I was having fertility issue especially with failed treatments/injecting hormones etc.
My friends having unplanned children and feeling as though everyone around you is getting pregnant. I was depressed!
Now I have a beautiful 10 month old daughter and I can barely recognise the person I was when ttc!

I hope your IVF round works, I honestly don't think you will leave your husband. I think it's the way your mindset is at the moment. Continue with your counsellor and take care xx

OP YANBU at all. I haven't been there but your posts just shout sadness and heartbreak, and for that alone you deserve kindness.

I'm so sorry. I hope some of the more measured responses here help you work out which step you take next. But do not beat yourself up for being hurt and broken by what you've been through, and do not feel guilty for how you're feeling now. I would say keep speaking to your counsellor and keep working through this with them.

But if you were my dp (my dp doesnt have any biological children, I have 2) and yoi staying with me was dependent on having a child, I would want to know before I proceeded.

You’ve missed the point, the grief, the anxiety of OP, the PPs who have said how struggled with infertility can make you catastrophise and think of worse case scenarios, that OP has said in her reply that she doesn’t know how she’ll feel once it’s all done. You’ve missed all that and boiled it down to a summary that misses the point.

OP isn’t saying give me a baby or I’ll leave. She’s saying that she’s worried that if they can’t have a baby she won’t be able to live a happy life watching someone else have everything she wants.

I think that's very understandable. You'll give IVF your best shot, but if it doesn't work out, it's entirely valid to plan a child-free future for yourself.

Oh God I hope the ivf works for you. I presume if you have had multiple miscarriages that you are under a specialist and ivf has been recommended rather than anything else (anti-coagulant meds/steroids).Sorry if that is a moronic thing to say but have spent a lot of time on infertility boards.

Totally understand your feelings! You can walk away from this if it is too painful for you, I had to cut off friends for years when they were all having children and I wasn't, there is literally no one I would have not turned my back on to protect myself. I hugely admire people who can be the bigger person but that's not me where having children was concerned. Wishing you all the best for your upcoming treatment xxx

I think some of the previous posters are being quite hard on you OP. Infertility is bloody awful and IVF is tough too. All this 'if it's not meant to be' business is utter bs and we live in the twenty first century for goodness sake. I don't think you need to park your ego, grow up or be content to be a stepmother, but I do think you could ring your clinic and find out what counselling comes with your cycle. Or pay to see a specialist counsellor if you can.
Perhaps park the anxiety about your relationship for now if you can and focus on getting through the IVF. I had similarly drastic thoughts when I was waiting for cycles and never had to go through with them. When it comes down to it, most people get their baby eventually. Hang on to that and you'll find yourself in a very different state of mind in the future xx

@HeckyPeck no, yoh are reading things into my post that aren't there.

I know that's what she is saying.....and I am saying I would want to know if it was my dp. Thats my opinion, you telling me I am wrong doesnt change....my opinion.

Why are you assuming I don't understand fertility problems? Why would you assume because I have 2 kids, they were easy to conceive. Why would you assume, i have no idea what the op is struggling with?

Good luck with your treatment OP. It sounds really tough. No judgement from me. It's good you have a counsellor to confide in.

Because you want to feel whole with him and your child together. I get that. Is there is any way to park it at the moment with your counselor and wait for ivf. Leave this thought in limbo. I wish you all the success

I think it's just really upsetting that you're projecting your own perceived failures into your husband and his ability to have children before he met you.

I definitely think whilst it's not a conversation you want to have , you definitely need to speak to your DH about these feelings and how they're affecting you x

Isn’t marriage all about commitment , trust and respect ?. I think you need to be honest with your husband so he can make his own decision.

@Hopeisnotastrategy @BlueTreeBlue I’m interested to hear the examples of how you proved/ knew with full certainty you were ready to put your ego aside for 20 years and then proceeded to try to conceive once you were ‘there’ Or .... did you just decide to have la baby have sex and get pregnant.

Your post smacks of sheer ignorance of infertility and the dark places it brings you. How dare you use such a condescending tone to the Op. it’s pathetic

I honestly feel sometimes that I'd just be better off dead.

@FuelTheBanana Please speak to your GP/consultant about your mental health, and ideally medication perhaps. If you've already been then go back and tell them how you're feeling. If you haven't got on with some meds then try one of the many others you can try, or a different dose.

You could also try other forms of therapy to help with what you're feeling.

From everything I've heard about IVF, it is incredibly difficult. You need to be as mentally healthy and resilient as you can be to face it. So, please seek more support. There's almost always more you can do or that can be done. Medication and other therapies will also help you have a less painful perspective on the family etc. EMDR may help you.

I can't have children but everyone's response to that is different- I have MH problems so to me I just accepted that it was probably better this way as I would've found the worry children bring hard to cope with.

I think if the marriage is good in most other ways, it wouldn't be a good idea to end it solely based on an issue you can have therapy/time to adjust to, and you're not even in the situation yet, or might not ever be.

You might not find someone who suits you as well as her DH in other respects. It would depend on the pros and cons of the marriage in its entirety whether leaving made sense.

@emmylousings They just mean that they agree with the comment the poster made, I'dve thought that was fairly understandable.

Whilst I completely understand how devastating this must be for you and I sincerely hope that your IVF is successful, would you really throw away a great relationship because of it?

This seems like a way to punish yourself and cause yourself the most pain you can possible muster. So, not only will your desire for children not materialise but you'll also dump a man who really really loves you? I dont understand why you'd pile more and more pain and hurt onto yourself. What if you do this and the next bloke you find yourself attracted to also has kids?

I hear you and I get it, but in the long term I really think doing this will make you miserable and it will cause further pain to an already hurtful situation.

*Your DH

@Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk l would hardly say “perceived” after a number of miscarriages. Plus they may be due to genetic issues from his sperm but who knows