To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

Just because someone is praised for their resilience, you shouldn't see that as an affront to you or about your lack of it.

You are being over-sensitive and self-absorbed. Not everything is about you. You probably need to have therapy to deal with your lack of self-esteem and lack of resilience.

I think you are aibu to take it personally. We all have different strengths - I'm sure you have some yourself. But resilience can be worked on - my work offers training courses on it. Does your job offer anything similar? It's obviously bothering you so why not try doing something about it.

Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

It's not about you. And this could well be related to why you struggle more. Having an internal locus of control means you believe you are in control of your fate. You have the power, you have the responsibility and frankly, you don't much care what people think of you. It sounds like you have an external locus. Meaning you care too much what other people think and see things like a loving husband and coping resources as the reason she is doing better.

I'd not care what people think (they aren't thinking about you right now, they are thinking of her) and work on focusing on your power, what you can do to future-proof yourself and your life.

We all have different strengths, OP. And in any case, it sounds like resilience may be one of yours too - you’re still carrying on, still working, still getting things done.

Yes, you’re BU for taking it personally. Being resilient is a great skill. For some people it’s innate, others learn it.

Being musical is a great skill and not everyone has that either. I’d love to be able to play the piano but I can’t. I’ve tried, but I’m just not naturally musical. I’ve had lessons and still no joy, so it’s not a skill I’m able to learn adequately.

That’s life.

I don’t get pissed off when people say they like Elton John.

YABU to take it personally. As a very resilient person myself it comes with downsides. No one really bothers to check in on me or see how I'm doing because it's just accepted that I'll get on with it and be fine. I'm always the one looking out for others.

We all have different strengths.

You are not recognising that you ARE resilient @Pigletspal. Coming out the other side of 3 near breakdowns takes a lot of strength, courage, and resilience. Dealing with anxiety day after day takes resilience. Give yourself credit where it's due and change your perspective a bit

Being resilient can be a curse. People say " oh you are so strong- youll get through this" Then stop helping you, or even speaking to you, because hey! Youll cope. Knowing you are not allowed to break down because EVERYONE relies on you to be strong is the shittest thing in the world.

I would also add that you could be the most resilient person in the world yet still suffer from mental illness. Mental illness does not infer weakness, far from it.

MH issues are a big disadvantage at work IME.

Employers do value people who “just get on with it”, and those of us with MH issues are often “put in a box” and perceived in certain, negative ways.

YABU to take it personally. How do you know they don’t say the same about you?
However... You’re not weak OP. You ARE strong to deal with your mental health.

But you are resilient? You've suffered serious illness repeatedly (mental ill health is serious illness much like any other medical condition) and you live your life despite it all. That's pretty amazing and you should give yourself credit for it!

Sorry but I think YABU. Being resilient is hard. It doesn’t mean she finds things any easier than you do. I was ‘resilient’ for many many years dealing with all sorts of shit and difficult things - and I worked my arse off, kept my head down and pushed through. It was hard work. Exhausting. I didn’t specifically get any praise, but if someone had, I would have deserved it.

So I think you’re comparing yourself with this colleague, and worrying about what others think.

I try hard not to do that, and to focus on my personal performance and wellbeing. I am not open with colleagues about my MH but have support in place outside work when I need it.

YABVU sorry op, it is not remotely about you and tbh this person probably needs every win she can right now even if that is only praise for being resilient (I have been through some dark times and survived and sometimes only the fact that people praise my strength and resilience is the reason I have kept going).
Paying a person a compliment is not an attack on someone who doesn't have that skill and in the nicest way I suspect that you haven't even crossed their minds.
If you feel like you are not resilient instead of feeling bitter about others you should try to think about how to cope better through CBT or the like.

A lot of people tend to forget that resilience is mostly about dealing with normal stressors. Arguments,bad feedback ,failing at something etc. When you can't cope with these things and they interfere to day to day life that's when you need to work on being more resilient.

Trauma,heartbreak,bereavement etc fall outside of this and people deal with them in different ways,and that's completely fine.

There is also a thing of employers paying lip service to health and wellbeing and expecting employees to manage our personal “resilience”, rather than addressing the major stressors that are in the employer’s, not individuals’, control.

Example: virtually no occupational health services for people working in the NHS, or measures to address problems, just praise for people’s dedication and resilience.

OP it almost reads a little selfish to take what you have admitted is a horrible situation for her, and make it about you. Different people handle things differently. Resilient doesn't equal better in the same way that emotional doesn't equal worse. This isn't a reflection on you, and you cannot help how you feel, try not to dwell on it 🙂

I don’t think YABU. I totally understand where you are coming from. In my workplace “resilience” seems to be code for turning up under all circumstances (chemo, bereavement, miscarriage,
feeling suicidal, being assaulted), never asking for help, never needing support, being able to switch off your emotions etc. I know that isn’t what Resilience is supposed to mean but it seems to currently be buzzword sort of way to beat those who struggle with mental health, who sometimes need support, who can’t do the “stiff upper lip” thing all the time and make them feel shame.

You actually do sound resilient in the real sense of the word.

Yabu as others have said it isn't about you. By praising her they're probably not giving you a second thought.
You only think this because you're sensitive about it.
If someone is praised for their ability to cook and you can't cook do you feel they're criticising you?
If they're a good artist and you're not?
If they can run a marathon and you can't?

I agree with you and until this lockdown, I was resilience personified. Looks like I've met the thing I can't cope with.

But that's not why I agree with you, I would have agreed with you in January. My resilience is not a decision, it's not moral, there is no goodness attached to it. It's just a quality of mine.

It sort of reminds me of when people talk about people "winning" the battle with cancer. As though there is some virtue involved, rather than luck and timing. When my Dad had cancer he absolutely hated having it cast that way. Perhaps because for him it was a losing battle from the start.

Also women who have easy births and are back up and running soon afterwards.

Or people who live in an old age.

Pretty much all these things are a matter of luck.

Nobody decides "oh, what I really want is to die in my 30s, get a 4th degree tear, and lose my battle with cancer."

We're all doing our best most of the time.

DS is regularly praised for resilience, particularly as this is a skill he has had to learn. He even won an award for it at school. It's been hard won. So YABU to take it personally that she is praised for it.

Recognising a strength in one person is not (usually) a commentary on the lack of that strength in another person.

Also, people commenting on one person's resilience doesn't mean you don't have that skill. If you're still getting on with things after such tough experiences, I'd say you clearly have some resilience too.

My BF, on the other hand, is not resilient at all. She has other strengths. But not that one.

Yabu. I say that because, for example, my best friend is amazing at art. It comes naturally to her.

Her being complimented for that, is not connect to me and my lack of talent. Its a compliment to her. About her.

Its not about me at all.

Oh dear, I've just done exactly that to DS. He's had to deal with a difficult boss and I told him it will be good experience to build his resilience and I'm impressed with how resilient he has been.

I agree (blowing my own trumpet) it's easier to achieve when you have a stable upbringing and a secure and supportive home life but it's still a good thing. I don't think I mean it as a slight to anyone less resilient but I am pleased for him that he has it (so far).

I do think what, in my early career, was called putting yourself outside your comfort zone, had a lot of benefits for future resilience and personal development but doesn't seem to be encouraged for children or adults anymore. Personal resilience is definitely something individuals can strive towards and develop.