To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

Sorry you didn't understand my post. I think you need help and support and I wished you had someone close to help you. I'me sure life is very hard for you and you don't need this rubbed in however well meaning your colleagues are towards the other lady.

What Disregard said above.

And it is arrogant to dismiss circumstances (supportive family, financial security, other types of security and certainty in the face of adversity) as irrelevant and that the OP should just "grow some balls" in the face of what sounds like one thing after another for what sounds like a long time as evidence of weakness.

Resilience is a strength in the workplace. The best employees don’t bring their personal issues to work. You need to fake it till you make it.

as a post script I used to work somewhere where the mantra for senior management and the executive / non executive board was "grace under pressure" which meant they did NOT bully people who worked for them (whatever guise that bullying took...)
remuneration was linked to their ability to do this in their management of their teams. This was a private sector and extremely lucrative organisation.

In my definition that made the organisation and the people who worked there resilient.
Just referring people to resilience training or recommending the purchase of self help books or whatever is an incredibly arrogant and old fashioned point of view.

Yabu... not everything is about you!!! Let the poor woman be praised for her strengths without turning it into a pity party about you

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

I get told I'm resilient a lot but possibly the only difference between us is I learnt a long time ago that showing emotion just gives them another stick to beat you with.

No one has ever put that into words for me, so thank you.

People call me resilient as if it's some kind of praise. It's not. It's a kick in the teeth.

OP, I definitely know how you feel, and I feel the same a lot of the time, however, it isn't a good mindset for good mental health.
So, I'm saying with empathy (I go to buddhism classes at a centre to heal myself) that you need to know that you can be good enough without comparing yourself to others because that, in essence is what you are doing.
It erodes my ego a little to say I do the same, which is a good thing because I need to know there are others out there that feel as I do.
But don't create an identity out of being 'sensitive'. You are sensitive and at the mercy of your mind currently, but you can gradually grow from this and the only person that can do it is you.
It's an inside job.
I learned in class, that we create an idea of how others exist and act because of our need to feel superior. But we don't need to do this, because their gains don't take away from ours.
No judgement here, do you see what I'm doing? If I judged you based on this, I'd be judging myself because although it hurts me to believe it, I do the same.
I'll overcome it one day (wish it was tomorrow!!) but when I do, I 'll need to look back with kindness, otherwise I'd be judging myself, and that creates an image of how I exist inside my head.
Sorry if this is too technical, but it makes a lot of sense.
Going to a buddhist centre has helped me hugely, so maybe look one up ( I livestream from mine currently).
Best of luck xx

We are not all naturally skilled at being resilient. But it should be regarded as like learning to read - essential that those who struggle with it are supported to keep working at it.

OP can you learn anything from your colleague? If she has good coping strategies, are there any you might try? I struggled in a rough phase of my life and noticed that a very resilient relative had a very predictable daily routine eg meal times, regular exercise etc, and stuck to this wherever possible. I realised it really held her together in times of stress & try to build this into my own life now.

OP you are resilient for posting this in AIBU, which is viper central.

You've been given some great advice and insights on this thread, OP. I do hope you're taking it on board.

@Immigrantsong

OP you are resilient for posting this in AIBU, which is viper central.

100%, because you are putting a part of yourself out there that doesn't necessarily want to be seen. We all have parts of ourselves like this, some more than others. If you've had a hard childhood (like me) that wasn't full of praise and support, but with criticism and possible unrealistic expectations can contribute hugely to this. Hard as it is, you have to start at the bottom and build true confidence inside. I recommend 'I am Enough' book by Marisa Peer it's available on Amazon and it's very very good.

"fake it till you make it"
"don't make it all about you"

etc

My gosh the self help book industry has made a lot of (superficial) money out of some mumsnetters have they not. (maybe those particular mumsnetters should consider a change of career especially after lockdown....)

Of course

• comparing yourself to other people is (almost) always partly or totally unproductive;
• multiple and sequential very stressful life events of whatever form they take (bereavement, abuse, redundancy, death of any kind, ill health be it yours or others, relationship breakdown of any kind) one after another after another can often grind down any resilience which was there to begin with and YES circumstances (security in any guise) will be a cushion (if not a solution) against that

AND

• of course work place managers to a greater or lesser degree want employees who do not bring their personal circumstances into the workplace.

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OP do not be discouraged by the mumsnetters who think they are as tough as old nails because they have been through their own idea of truma and pat themselves on the back because they read a few books and "came through" it.

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What "YouStupidBoy" and "Icouldhavecheckedthisfirst" above said.

@FamilyOrganiser

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

Wow, that's interesting.

Yeah very interesting and rings absolutely true for my MIL - she’s been through a lot and come out fighting but she’s the last person you’d want to be around if you were hurting (she was so abrasive to me as a new mum).

OP I love the fragile, soft people of this world.

You are still standing, OP. And good on you. Being weak and sensitive is an advantage if you want to become resilient. It was for me anyhow. You need to look inward and make your own recipe according to your own individual personality. There are simple techniques to help control anxiety and ways to reset your mind. They do work. I read books that helped me learn, made an inner resolution that I would not give up but accept and work within my limitations: if I couldn't run, I would walk, and so on. I did eventually conquer my worst paralysing fears and in the process become what people would and do call resilient, determined etc. And it's good. You have that capacity within you. It starts with a little seed and grows, slowly maybe, but surely.

This thread is ironically hilarious.. you're all awesome and great and oh so worthy, except the people with shit experiences that made it through somehow. Nah, they're just spoilt, or lacking empathy, or hard as nails, or they just have an "idea of trauma".

Don't you dare stick your head above the parapet and insist you've done something. You gut got lucky.

I think you need to focus on yourself and improving your own self esteem/happiness. You sound like you’ve been through a lot and you’ve come out of the other side.

However as PP resilience can be something that you learn and can get better it. I would look into that.

I know I’m projecting here but I have a family member who crumbles at everything, needs lots of help, never helps herself, sees herself as a victim and tells me stuff like “you’re lucky because...” but can’t see all the positive stuff she has in her life, only what she doesn’t. I tell you it’s maddening. She talks about herself in a very fixed way like you do about yourself. People can grow,improve, change ... you may not become the most resilient person ever but you can work on making life better for yourself.

The science of resilience podcast if anyone's interested.

www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores

It was useful for me to find out that my experiences during childhood had an extremely detrimental effect on me. The evidence is clear - some people really are affected by things that happen to them and this creates neurological and physical changes that predispose them to social, emotional and physical difficulties compared to those who don't. Some people manage by disengaging painful parts of themselves to push through and others don't. However, it is real and valid and the answer is always compassion not criticism.

the answer is always compassion not criticism this is AIBU - the answer on here is leave your compassion at the door, criticism always welcome!

@Peckalina
That was interesting. I knew there had been odd things in my childhood but I never regarded it as having such an impact on me.
I can tick exposure to alcoholic, depression, prison and inappropriate touching before I was 18.

@TheOrigBrave

But OP you do sound resilient.

People often tell me I'm resilient. I generally do not feel like this. I tend to not "show" my problems and often cry to close friends and family. But I have been through a lot of hard time, something I don't even want my own DC to go through. No matter what I go through, I have to keep going, because this is the only life I have.

What I don't like... and I'm sorry, but this is such a negative trait. People who complain, complain, complain, people who cry and whinge, and they don't do anything about it. My ex was like this and I'm dealing with a friend like this, which makes me so drained when I've finished talking to her. OP, if your not like this, you are on the right track.

I know I’m projecting here but I have a family member who crumbles at everything, needs lots of help, never helps herself, sees herself as a victim and tells me stuff like “you’re lucky because...” but can’t see all the positive stuff she has in her life

If I only I can give you a cake. Well here's an emoji of one . This is exactly what I'm going through with a friend. It's draaaaaaining.

Yes it makes for interesting reading doesn't it. Life is not a level playing field and some people have to climb up from a long way down before they can even join in. There are multiple factors involved in our ability to live well in the world and it is foolish to judge without a full understanding of what lies beneath.

Thank you all so much for the replies, I’ve read every single one and special thanks to those who have replied with empathy and so much thought and wisdom. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I do feel a bit more empowered, thank you.