To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

It is embarrassing to not be an emotionally resilient person. I know/have known. Accept yourself, forgive yourself, and work on your emotional resilience through therapy, medication and self help.

Emotional resilience is something that can be improved.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses- you probably have some strengths she doesn't, and she may be weak in those areas (you might not know.)

I know it's easy to say but try and accept it, and seek support early when you need it. Take care of yourself the best you can and you'll be ok- and with work will get better and better. xxx

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

Wow, that's interesting.

you can't resilience train your way out of mental/physical health issues or traumatic life experiences.

@Disregard It is possible to improve how you deal with things. I mean that as a general point, not to say that employers etc shouldn't try and improve unpleasant situations, and other services shouldn't help.

I had EMDR and that was great for helping me deal with the effects of trauma, as was therapy in general basically. And meds for my mental health.

YABU. Being resilient isn’t something you either are or aren’t. If you want to become more resilient you can, you just have to work at it.

@disregard 'My friend works for an employer who's been absolutely horrible during lockdown and when people have tried to raise legitimate concerns about their working conditions they've been offered resilience training rather than actually address any of the employer's behaviour'.

That is shocking!

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

Are they? According to whom?

YANBU
I find the “oh you’re so strong” comments so very weird.
I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve heard it a lot and behind closed doors I’ve been having all sorts of mental health problems and overall I didn’t think I was coping well and all I really did was live through it.
People who also say “oh I don’t know how I’d live if that happened to me” like, yes, I have been suicidal over it I just don’t tend to broadcast that!
I think I’m more resilient now cause I went through a lot when I was younger and I now have specific coping mechanisms but I don’t know how else I’d have gained resilience

I think that people who can empathise strongly with others are often very resilient - they can "take on" others' emotions and provide support without it destroying them too. I think the ability to "soak up" other peoples' problems yet remain able to function as normal and provide support and stability shows good resilience.

@user you're twisting people's words to suit your agenda and because your "lucky,sunshine and rainbows lives makes you think your resilient " theory got disproved pretty quickly.

A shit past can build resilience in the sense that once you overcome certain things you know you can do it again. It doesn't mean that you don't struggle with anxiety,depression,breakdown etc. , just that you still get to hang on to a sliver of hope,that you can get back up again.

you've picked yourself up after three breakdowns, what's not resilient about that?

Everybody has different attributes and character traits that make us all unique with different skills for various situations. Your colleague might be resilient in her current problems but will have perhaps other things she struggles with. Don't compare yourself with her, she might admire you in an area where she struggles.

It's basically used as an extra way to pat people on the back for the dumb luck of having an easy life. Or by individuals whose method for coping with the uncertainty of life is trying to con themselves into believing they actually have the power to stop terrible things happening to them. As if.

It's also used by mental health professionals a lot. I am apparently resilient because I survived my interesting childhood, being raped and then losing my mind briefly when dc1 was born.

The thing is OP, you only get to see inside your own head. I hate myself, I think I'm worthless but I mostly hide that from everyone else. I have friends, do voluntary work, sit on committees including chairing one and am close to graduating with another degree. I get told I'm resilient a lot but possibly the only difference between us is I learnt a long time ago that showing emotion just gives them another stick to beat you with. I don't see resilience as a positive thing at all.

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum

Cant say that's been my experience at all.

No you are not being unreasonable and what you need is support not loads of people telling you you're unreasonable. Like you said this lady is financially and personally supported which stands for everything. Do you think that maybe your colleagues are trying to give you some hope by making a point about her, a hint that you can be stronger only they are using the wrong role model.

OP, YABU to Interpret a compliment given to someone else as an insult to you.

Also, you're more resilient than you give yourself credit for if you're happy to start a thread in AIBU!

I know someone universally admired as resilient. She's been through the mill with family illnesses etc, kept working full-time, a real 'people' person, empathetic, apparently able to give her all to everything and everybody, all the time. She has had to deal with more life-threatening illness and death around her in 5 years than most of us do in a lifetime.

Then it all caught up with her, and she's now very ill herself.

I can't help wondering if she was trying too hard to keep all the plates spinning. Maybe what looked like resilience o us, was just her way of trying to control things she couldn't control. Maybe others should/could have given her more support sooner, but didn't because she appeared to be coping so well. Who knows. Things are not always what they seem.

what you need is support not loads of people telling you you're unreasonable.

Real Support doesn't mean agreeing with someone all the time,especially not when they are wrong , and hurting themselves in the process.

That's superficial,fake BS to make life easier, generally the life of the person that is being "supportive " .

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy.

Erm, no. No reason why someone can't be both.

There are lots of resilient people who empathize with and help more vulnerable people.

^Like you said this lady is financially and personally supported which stands for everything.

@Choccylips I haven't read all the thread, but what do you mean? I don't have much money (disabled through bipolar etc and unable to work) or a massive support network. I can still try and improve myself, and have somewhat- my position isn't hopeless.

I have a switch which makes me amazingly resilient in a crisis, I have no control over it. When the crisis is over I fall apart. I suffer from anxiety and depression.

We are all different op, they only see the face she shows the world.

Resilience is overrated.

I’ve been “resilient” for a long time. Getting on with it, pulling myself up by my bootstraps etc. I’m absolutely sick of it. It means people expect you to cope with anything. It means people expect you not to need help. People see it as a strength when actually it can be a real weakness. It often means ignoring self care and putting your own needs last.

Not being able to just get over your mental health issues doesn’t make you weak.

I know what you mean OP. When you’re not a very sturdy resilient person that can just bounce back, it hurts to know that it is so valued by society. I felt the same when I had depression and even a priest mentioning having a purpose in life was enough to send me spiralling into a dark hole, because our society puts so much value on “having a purpose” and I didn’t / don’t really have one. I think that’s what you’re getting at? All I can say is try not to overthink it - it’s fine to have different qualities and not to be always strong and independent and able to recover immediately. It’s healthy to have emotions and need support. At the same time there are things that are clinically proven to help e.g. therapy, meditation - that you could try, but more for your own sake than to be resilient because you’re supposed to be.

You are being over sensitive and it’s good you’ve recognised this. It’s won’t be a dig at you.
IME resilient people are just good at putting a brave face on things and holding things in. They may be able to do that at work but let it all out at home.
There is a big focus in the workplace about being resilient, and I don’t particularly like it but it’s necessary to survive.

When you’re not a very sturdy resilient person that can just bounce back

Just bouncing back doesn’t happen though in my experience, you age to make a conscious decision to move forward and ignore the shit. It’s hard work to keep going sometimes.